Author: J Edward Neill

The First and Last Lines of Everything I’ve ever written

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Just for fun, I thought I’d share the first and last sentences of all my books.

Some of these will sound ridiculous when looked at side-by-side. Or…as my son likes to say…ridonkulous.

Others will probably come across as ominous. Just the way I like it.

Have fun!

* * *

Nine hundred years ago, humanity believed it had attained perfection. This is what I am meant to do. – from A Door Never Dreamed Of

I knew it’d be a mistake the moment it was over. Nor did she wake when two pale figures strode to her side and carried her away. – from Machina Obscurum

I still remember the eve I came to the city of Tessera. Until everyone in the world is dead. – from The Hecatomb

Hello. “Everything,” I tell him. – from Let the Bodies

It is cold outside, as ever it is in Shivershore. They are watching. – from Dark Moon Daughter

Dark Moon Boobs

“Read between these…”

The sea roils beneath my bedchamber. A hand, fat and stinking, reached across the little house’s threshold. – from Nether Kingdom

I once lived a normal life. And they did. – from The Sleepers

Morellellus, oldest harbor of Furyon, was not always so gloomy. Better that I should live long beyond today, and never again take a sword into my hands. – from Down the Dark Path

Which of the following do you think offers you the best chance of meeting someone amazing and firing up a long-term relationship with them? Float between relationships however and whenever you want? – from 101 Questions for Single People

The 7 Deadly Sins are: Envy, Pride… What’s something you’ve thought of, accidentally or otherwise, that might terrify the people who know you? – from 101 Deeper, Darker Questions for Humanity

If you could be the last woman alive in a world fully populated by men, would you? If you could ask all the men in the world one question and have them answer completely and truthfully, what would it be? – from 101 Questions for Women

If you could be the last man alive in a world fully populated with women, would you? His best course of action is to live them. – from 101 Questions for Men

Choose another place and time in history you’d like to live in. What is your Question for Humanity? – from 101 Questions for Humanity

How many dates with a new person do you require before you… Give an exact number. – from 101 Sex Questions

Imagine your worst enemy is kneeling before you. Will everything humanity has accomplished come to nothing in the end? – from 101 Questions for Midnight

Let’s start with a softball question. Or a bad thing? – from 444 Questions for the Universe

On the morning the hunt began, we’d had a hundred men. And when she killed me, it didn’t even hurt. – from The Skeleton Sculptor

You… none of you… are godly men. And I’m bringing the Heartstopper with me. – from Hollow Empire – Night of Knives 

* * *

That was fun.

Now…if you’re a reader, post the first and last sentences of your favorite book in the comments section below.

If you’re an author, do the same for your novel(s).

And to read all the words between the sentences, go here.

Love,

J Edward Neill

Surprise! Two Creepy Stories!

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Superior creep.

Horror on a stick.

The hairs on the back of your neck…rising.

Yep. It just happened. I’ve released two short stories. If you’ve already read Old Man of Tessera or Let the Bodies, these two creepilicious tales will finish you off. Nice and dead-like.

Introducing bite-size books The Skeleton Sculptor and The Circle Macabre:

*A soldier of misfortune joins ninety-nine of his brothers in the hunt for a mysterious creature that has tormented humanity for centuries. One by one, he watches the men vanish in the night. One gone. Every night. Forever.

*

*

*

**

**

**

*

Erisa Stavrou, hunter of hunters, pursues her final prey into the sprawling city of Valai. Armed only with her shirt, her sandals, and an unbreakable blade, she knows she alone can destroy the last Horror. Without her, the endless cycle of one dead, every night, forever will continue until all mankind is destroyed.

*

*

*

*

*

Both books also appear in the novella, The Hecatomb.

They can be read in any order.

So long as you read them in the dark… 🙂

J Edward Neill

The American Dream – A totally non-sarcastic essay

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A few years ago, I penned a quick essay for a European friend and high-school teacher. Its purpose was to educate a class of students, few of whom had ever been to America, on the meaning of the so-called American dream.

I recently stumbled across that essay. Looking back, I can hardly believe I wrote something so non-cynical and free of sarcasm.

Accidents will happen.

Enjoy:

Smeagle the Eagle

The American Dream – A Not So Simple Definition

If one believes historian James Truslow Adams, the American Dream is the unique and substantive quality of America ‘…which has lured millions to our shores.’

Of course it’s not nearly as simple as that.

There are myriad ways one might define the hopes and dreams of an American, and while many are optimistic, others are just as pragmatic, even cynical.  For as much as a man or woman might believe America is a land of endless opportunity, of boundless hope and liberty, there will always exist another who believes the opposite.  No two views are likely the same.

Let us begin by describing the classical view, the idyllic American life as imagined in hearts and on paper, if not in reality.

There exists an idea, however unattainable, that all American men and women possess equal opportunity for success, material gain, and personal fulfillment.  Whether an American hails from the poorest city slum or from the farthest rural meadow, the ideal says that we’re all the same, that no matter our pedigree we might hope to scale the rungs of happiness in whatever form that happiness might take.  This is not a utopian view, but simply a giver of hope, an unspoken possibility that because of the freedoms intrinsic to the Constitution, we might all aspire to be greater than we presently are.  This view of the American Dream would not have us believe that every man and woman is destined for fantastical prosperity, but instead that any person, no matter his or her beginnings, can hope for better than they have.

There also exists a more realistic view, a sensible way of believing in the American Dream without necessarily contradicting the idyllic hopes of our forefathers.  The practical American man or woman might say that the Dream exists not in the forefront of every American’s mind, but instead upon the very periphery of our collective consciousness.  While liberty, happiness, and success are possibilities, they are not always available or deserved.  This view stresses that while one might grasp for all things wished and hoped for, without hard work and good fortune such dreams might never come to fruition.  This view is not incompatible with the other, nor does it discount the great freedoms granted at America’s founding.  It aims instead to promote the spirit of striving hard for success, rather than see America’s hopes and aspirations founder while waiting idly for good things to come.

There are those who say the American Dream is dead, that the fantasy of America’s youth has given way to the cynicism of maturity.  Only the individual knows for certain.  This dream, likes so many others, lives solely in the hearts and minds of the people.

– J Edward Neill

circa whenever

J Edward is the author of sci-fi thriller, A Door Never Dreamed Of, fantasy epic Down the Dark Path, and the ice-breaking Coffee Table Philosophy series.

Why I gave up watching television

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I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I had to walk away.

One way to murder your creativity is to spend all your time embracing other people’s creations.

And that’s just scratching the surface.

TVShotgun

I can’t really remember when it started. Maybe when I moved out of my house as a teenager. Possibly even earlier. Some of the big shows of the early 90’s were stuff like Law and Order, The Simpsons, Full House, Martin, Coach, et cetera. There was nothing wrong with any of these. They were funny and engrossing, mostly. I watched plenty of them, and I enjoyed myself when I did.

But even back then, a thought process had begun to grow within me. It was subtle, but it was there. It itched, but not bad enough to apply any cream.

It went kinda like this: I begun noticing things about our culture. Small things. How people’s sense of humor seemed to start and end with whatever they’d seen on a little flashing box. How families set up their schedules in order to catch certain shows. How more and more channels sprang up, specialized channels, catering to every possible desire. How news and journalism felt engineered, not discovered.

Now this isn’t to say the shows themselves weren’t entertaining. Of course they were. Hell, The Simpsons is still funny (and Martin Lawrence still isn’t.) And yet it seemed every year more and more of each TV time-block became commercial time. An hour-long show was really only a 37-minute show. My friends’ conversations changed from being about the shows…to being about the funny new commercial, the hot new car, or the news clips they’d caught only a few seconds of but wanted to discuss as if they’d actually been on the scene.

Months went by.

Then years.

I still watched TV, but less and less. It wasn’t really a conscious decision. It was more like I wandered off. Like I’d forgotten.

And then I got married.

And TV came back into my life.

I can’t remember how that happened either. The TV coming back…or the getting married thing. Whatever. If there was a part of me that rebelled against watching TV, it got shoved aside. Suddenly I was watching game shows, sitcoms, Seinfeld, and some show about six douchebags I’d probably murder if they were my Friends. It wasn’t the wife’s fault. She was just doing what most Americans did: go to work, get home, and flip the TV on until bedtime. No biggie.

Except I hated it. I didn’t even know I hated it, but I did.

During those years, I didn’t paint much. I wrote books at a glacially slow pace. A full third of my conversations with everyone on the planet could be Kevin Baconed in two steps back to whatever show we’d mutually seen. My creativity felt stifled. My dreams were dulled. The situation wasn’t life-threatening, but even so. There was something about it that sucked. A small, dull suck. But definitely a suck.

And then one day I ‘forgot’ to pay the cable bill. The TV went off, and I awoke from a decade-long hibernation. At the time I didn’t put two and two together. I just felt…liberated. I didn’t know why. I guess I probably didn’t care. And when the wife ‘fixed’ the situation and got the TV back on, it stopped being a thing for me. Stopped dead. Shows I used to watch came on, and I walked out of the room. I heard laugh-tracks in the background, but I tuned them out. Entire wars in the Mideast came and went, and I missed the newsfeeds entirely. I’m sure this probably contributed to friction with the wife; after all, TV time had once been together time. But it didn’t matter. Not anymore. It was more than cold turkey. It was as if a surgeon had come into my bedroom one night, carved out the part of my brain that wanted anything to do with parking my ass on a couch for 2-3 hours every night and not creating, and left without billing me.

4978305

Now it’s true this little renaissance came with its share of problems. Friends I used to talk to would start chatting about TV, and a voice inside me would say, “If you say one more thing about American Idol or Bones, I’ll kill you and all your offspring.” Coworkers I liked would hit me up for my opinions on world news, and the first thing I’d think was, “When can I slap the shit out of you?” And naturally, whenever any TV would flicker on anywhere, I’d have to check myself so as not to judge the people watching it. It wasn’t easy. I suddenly had this asshole living inside my mind who thought judgy, nasty things about totally normal people. I didn’t like this asshole. But it’s clear he wasn’t going anywhere.

And so there I was, partnered with a huge inner-jerk. Sometimes I resisted him. Other times I’d completely give up on friends because of their talking-about-TV habits. And I get it; that’s not cool. But it’s what happened. I’d shut down whenever people talked about their fav show. Or when they talked about their TiVo lineup. Or programming their DVR. And after my divorce, I’d immediately rule out any girl who mentioned ‘Netflix binging’ as an acceptable date-night. (Actually, I still stick to this rule.) Harsh, right? But like I said, the asshole wasn’t leaving. He and I had to coexist. No getting around it.

During all of this, my last island of TV-interest lay in sports. Specifically baseball, hockey, and football. I still watched them once in a while, and I hated myself a little for doing it. Look, it’s true; I love me some Chicago Cubs, Blackhawks, and Bears. And for many years I justified watching them over sitcoms, reality TV, and news. “They’re different,” I convinced myself. “Sports aren’t like other shows.” “They’re real.”

But wait a second.

How does a 60-minute NFL football game take 3 hours and 15 minutes to watch?

How many commercials will I endure if I watch even half of my beloved baseball team’s 162-game schedule?

And why the fuck isn’t hockey on TV at all?

Holy shit.

And now here I am. For the last two years, I haven’t had cable. Or satellite. Or Netflix. Or whatever the fuck Hulu is. I rarely even watch sports anymore. If there’s a huge event I have to see, I call a friend and go to the bar…and usually completely ignore the TV in favor of drinking Long Island ice teas or Balvenie 17. It’s utterly freeing. I’ve no urge to ever watch anything. I save hundreds of dollars and thousands of minutes every year. And let me tell you; my creativity has never been more alive. Removed from the electronic influence of other people’s humor, stories, and art, my imagination is free. The time I once spent watching TV is now spent creating. Hundreds of hours per year…reclaimed. Just. Like. That.

And better still, the inner-asshole is gone. Dead. Deceased. The only time I even remember him is when someone starts talking about The Walking Dead, a show approximately 900% of my friends adore.

I’m kidding. I don’t hate people who love zombies.

Mostly.  🙂

Love,

J Edward Neill

Speaking of undead, here’s something WAY worse than zombies.

And speaking of ruthlessly invasive entertainment, here’s something WAY, WAY worse than TV.

J’s Magical Dating Quiz

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This is a special Saturday edition Tessera Guild blog.

Take it with several grains of salt. I’m chin-deep in some powerful scotch.

So, as a happily divorced father of one, I’ve found myself swimming in fresh new waters. There’s something to be said for being free and single. I’m not at mid-life crisis stage yet, I’m still young-ish, and I live in a big f’n city where everything can and does go down. It’s possible life has never been better…or more complex. But even so, I still date in the hopes of finding The One. I’ve come close, mind you. But I’ve fallen short. And so I persist.

As I wade through this existence, I find one thing is increasingly true: I’m picky about dating. Really fucking picky. Everyone has a right to be picky, but perhaps I’m the pickiest. It’s a long, slow road toward the end of life, and I figure (and I bet you do, too) that unless you’re spending it in the company of good people, good people who get you, you’re not doing it right. This is doubly true for dating. You know what I mean. It’s an absolute battlefield out there. As you get wiser, you start to learn what you love, and what you don’t love. You discover what you need, and what you’re willing to tolerate.

And so…now that I’m two glasses deep in my scotch, I present my somewhat sarcastic but also alcoholically honest:

Dating Audition Questionnaire!

1. Do you drink?

2. If not, how the fuck do you get through life? 🙂

3. Do you smoke?

4. If so, how often? And aren’t there better things to put your lips on?

5. How tall are you?

6. If shorter than 5′ 7″, are you willing to wear stilts? Or really, really high heels?

7. What are you passionate about?

8. It’s not Donald Trump, is it?

9. What ethnicity are you?

10. Did you know I don’t care what ethnicity you are? 🙂

11. Are you funny?

12. How funny?

13. Like, can I make vulgar yet sophisticated jokes around you and not have to worry?

14. Do you work out?

15. Ever? Or just sometimes?

16. Can I play Slayer, Carcass, Marylyn Manson, Pantera, or Danzig in the house?

17. Ok fine. What about if I only play it while you’re in the shower? Or sleeping? Or drunk?

18. Do you like country music?

19. If so, do you know where the door is? 🙂

20. If I say the word “Pi,” are you thinking food or numbers or both?

21. Do you believe in god?

22. If so, which particular sky wizard is going to smite me for this questionnaire?

23. What astrological sign are you?

24. Do you know the stars in the constellations are millions of light years apart? And that they look completely different when viewed from a different perspective in the universe?

25. Swords or guns?

26. How many times is enough sex in one month?

27. If I triple that, is that ok?

28. Do you like to give people ‘silent treatments?’

29. If so, do you know where the door is? 🙂

30. Red wine or white?

31. Meat-eater or vegetarian?

32. What’s your favorite food to eat in the morning?

33. And for dinner?

34. What percentage of Italian and/or Sicilian do you have in you?

35. If higher than 50%, am I going to die if we break up?

36. Are you going to trash my obnoxious friends when they leave?

37. Or are you going to accept the fucking challenge and be more obnoxious than they are?

38. Can we order Chinese tonight? And tomorrow? And what about Sunday night at 11PM?

39. Have you ever been to a movie in the theater alone?

40. If not, do you know where the door is? 🙂

41. If you’re the first person at a restaurant, do you go in and have a sip at the bar or do you hide in your car until someone else arrives?

42. How many minutes per day do you spend on your cell phone?

43. If more than 20, do you know where the door is? 😐

Gandalf

What creature is this crazy fucking wizard fighting in this scene?

Death

What movie does this car appear in?

Anton

Can you spell this character’s name without resorting to the internet?

 

CW

Can you tell me who this actor is without Googling a damn thing?

 48. If I turned your car stereo on right now, what song would start playing?

49. Is comedian Ron White funny? On a scale of 1-10, how funny?

50. Is Michael Bay a good movie producer?

51. Is Netflix binging an acceptable date night?

52. Really?

53. Cats or dogs?

54. If not both, are you allergic?

55. How many hours of TV do you watch every week?

56. If we trim that in half while we’re dating, is that ok?

57. Can you explain to me the difference between arguing and debating?

58. Do you consider shopping to be ‘fun?’

59. If so, why?

60. How many screws up do I have before you consider cheating?

61. No seriously. Can you give me an exact number? 🙂

62. What is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen?

63. Wait…you mean it wasn’t Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

64. What’s the last book you finished?

65. You wanna go stare at prisoners in the local federal penitentiary?

66. If not, are you ok with me not wanting to go look at animals in the zoo?

67. See what I did there?

Death metal

Can we do some of this?

Snuggle

And afterward some of this?

69.5. Are you jaded?

70. If so, what will it take to break through your armor?

* * *

At the time of completing this article, the author had consumed three glasses of scotch after running three miles.

Please forgive him.

Get more questions about life and love here.

And end the world right here.

J Edward Neill

* This article is mirrored from the original DowntheDarkPath.com blog

Ten Quick Observations About the Writing Bizniz

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It’s a quirky industry, writing books.

Some take it seriously. Others not so much.

Some work with an entirely homegrown approach. Others hire professional muscle to do their dirty work marketing. Most use a mix of the two.

One of the biggest vehicles for so-called ‘indie’ authors (I hate that term) is social media. Twitter, Facebook, Linked-In, Tumblr, and Instagram. There are many ways of publicizing a book, but most cost money and/or require authors to either sell their work for pennies or list it for free. Such is the world we work in.

In this new environment, everyone has a strategy. Or at least, everyone probably should. There is no silver bullet for literary success. Much of what we do involves throwing our work into the wind and hoping someone catches it.

And so…

The following are my somewhat satirical thoughts on what authors do and how they do it.

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untitled

1. What’s with all the memes?

Look, I get it. People nowadays communicate their feelings via memes. It’s cute, I guess. At least for a little while. To research this observation, I scrolled up and down the pages of some of the authors whom I follow. What did I find? Memes. Tons and fucking tons of memes. Most of which pretty much said the same things, including: Quotes by Stephen King, how much writers surf the web while they’re supposed to be writing, and how you can tell so-and-so is a writer because (insert some stupid stereotype here.) Ok. That’s all well and good. But while these people are busy posting memes, some of us are writing giant fucking circles around them. It’s also probably worth noting that if one’s audience is primarily made up of readers, one should probably target the commentary at them, not to other authors. Readers probably don’t give a rip about how much you surf Facebook while you’re writing vampire porn. Just a thought. 🙂

Pie Chart

If this is what you do when you’re ‘writing,’ it’s time for a new career choice.

 

2. Spamming on social media will only go so far.

Like anything involving people, images and links will only cut so deep. To really get people’s attention, you have to engage their minds. Authors shouldn’t want followers; authors should want fans. The best way to capture the hearts of your audience is to be in the moment with them. Talk to them. Show them how you’re a real person and you give a shit. Your product is only as awesome as you are. Whenever I see a writer or an artist having a conversation with their audience, I crack a smile. Whenever I see a pile of memes or spammed Amazon links, I shake my head.

3. Content, content, content

The state of the indie art seems to be: write book/pitch book. And then: write another book/pitch another book. I guess this approach might work if you’re A. A fucking badass author, or B. Lucky to  hit the right genre at the right time. But in case you’re not a badass or lucky, I suggest you spend a LOT more time creating content. And by content I mean shit that engages the audience, but doesn’t make a direct pitch at selling them stuff. Write about your life, your experiences, or just some funny stuff your cat did. But don’t expect to just write a book and sell 10,000 copies based on the work itself. Create content that has nothing to do with salesmanship. Entertain audiences for free…and then maybe they’ll consider forking over cash to buy your stuff. I dunno. Just a thought.

4. Your cover art is beautiful. Your book sucks.

There’s a famous saying. Goes something like, “Never judge a…” Oh hell, you know what I’m talking about. The modern state of the business is this: Kickass cover art is available to everyone. Good (and truly great) artists are out there, and they’re willing to take authors’ cash in exchange for creating cool-as-hell book art. The ish here is that for every one awesome storyteller selling his or her book for pennies on Amazon, there are ten people who couldn’t word their way out of a 1st grade creative writing class. Meaning…there’s some dude out there who just shelled out $500 for a sexy vampire slut on his book cover, but who didn’t spend a damn dime on getting the same book edited. His grandma and his sister’s barely-literate coworker were the only ones who read it before he hoisted his book, Vampire Sluts from Hell, onto Amazon. And yeah, you just bought that shit for $5.99. This probably sounds like sour grapes. It’s not. All I’m saying is…don’t judge a book by its cover…and don’t buy Vampire Sluts from Hell.

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“That book was awful. It was two hours of my life I’ll never get back.” “Well, you prolly should’ve looked past the boobs on the cover.”

 

5. No, I don’t want to ‘check out’ your new book.

Name a sales pitch that would grab your attention. Now name one that wouldn’t stand a chance. Chances are, if you saw a product on tv stating simply to ‘check out’ some new product, you’d gloss over that shit. (Imagine the Dos Equis ‘most interesting man’ if all he said was, ‘Check out this cool beer.’) If an ad features a unique take or maybe something funny, you might actually look into the product. If not…you won’t. And that brings me to this: if an author is trying to sell something, they should never ever use the words ‘check out’ in the sales pitch. Seriously. Never. Pretty much 40% of the book ads I see (or ads for any kind of art, really) use the exact phrase “Hey, check out my new ____.” Really? Is that supposed to grab a reader’s attention? Hint: it doesn’t. Try harder. Actually, since you’re all my competition, don’t. Ha.

Also…try not to use superlatives. Nobody’s book is the bestest ever of all time. 🙂

6. I can feel the love.

There’s at least one good thing that has come of the ‘indie’ author movement and the rise of online self-marketing. It’s called teamwork, and I’m happy to say I see it every day. People who would otherwise be stuck on lonely little art islands are now able to talk, vent, and most importantly, help each other. Artists can collaborate at the speed of light. It’s easier to have a voice than ever before. And yeah, I know I said I’m in competition with every other author in the world, but even so… Twenty years ago we were all slaves to the big publishers. Now…fuck those guys. Other authors and painters might be my competitors, but at least we’re all on the same battlefield. Now excuse me while I go retweet my twenty favorite writers and painters. Even if it involves a bunch of bullshit memes. 🙂

7. Why, why, why all the man abs?

Ok. This isn’t a serious question. All I’m asking is for all my cool-as-hell female authors to occasionally put an image up on the internet I can share for you that doesn’t include Captain Situp and his 74-pack abs. (In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s the title of at least half the romance novels out there.) But seriously…that shit’s intimidating. I do a fuckload of crunches every day, but I can’t live up to these dudes. I can’t in good faith share an image that makes me look pathetic. Now boobs, on the other hand…

abs

Jesus Christ, man. Eat a pizza or something.

 

8. We all need a better work ethic.

Myself especially. I mean…what excuse do we have? Thanks to computers, super-fast internet, and this wonderful little site called WordPress, reaching audiences is easier than ever before in the history of mankind. I’ve published 23 books in the last few years, which a hundred years ago would’ve taken most of my lifetime to finish (not to mention try to sell.) And yet here I am, knowing that if I worked harder, I could’ve done more. Look, I’m not gonna pitch statistics to you. Every writer in the world worth his or her salt will confess to needing to do more. It seems convenience is a double-edged sword. Technology gives artists the tools, but is utterly distracting at the same time. What’s the answer? Hell if I know. Smash your tv and dump your girlfriend, maybe? Worth a shot. 🙂

9. Automated Replies kill your business, not grow it.

See # 2 in this list, way up there near the top? Well there’s this sector of modern art marketing dedicated to using auto-replies instead of actual human engagement. I don’t know about you, but when I see an auto-reply for anything, not just books or art, I lose interest immediately. What it says is that I, the customer, am not worth a moment of personal time. What it also says is that the offending artist believes that the first contact with me should be a sales pitch, and usually a pretty boring one at that. Honestly, when trying to connect with new people online, I’d rather they not answer me at all than send me an auto-reply. That shit is annoying. Please stop. Thanks.

10. Despite all the mess, the writing world is a better place today.

You wanna know why? Because nowadays, if you’re a good storyteller with a tale to tell, you’ve got a shot. You’ve got some power. Your ability and effort matter. Ten little ole years ago, this just wasn’t true. So even though there’s a ton of straight-up awkward stuff going on in the biz, there’s also a lot of good. And to me, that good is great.

 * * *

Hey look, I’m breaking my own rules. Eat some of these delicious words. And be happier for it.

J Edward Neill

Porn searches leading to our non-porn website ( . )( . )

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Hi everyone.

Welcome to a special edition of Tessera Guild. Normally Amanda Makepeace gives us beautiful art every Thursday. But this week she turned the reigns over to yours truly, J Edward.

Big mistake. 🙂

Every day at the Guild we get hundreds and hundreds of hits. Hits, not tits. Geez. Some days we get thousands of hits. And on really good days, we get tens of thousands.

But…

Almost every single day since we started this site, people searching for porn end up here…on our totally non-porn website. We know this because our website host, WordPress, tells us the Google search terms people use to find us.

IMG_3361

Ummmm, this isn’t exactly what we had in mind when we Googled ‘Tits.’

 

To be fair, we have no problem with porn. We figure it’s kinda the reason most people are on the web anyway.  If you come to Tessera by accident while searching for Sasha Grey, Lexi Belle, or double-reverse panda bukkake, we’re cool with that.

So here’s a list of some of the porn search terms we’ve seen on our stats page. Plenty of these can be sexplained by the search term having something accidentally in common with an article we published. Others…well…we have no fucking idea.

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Enjoy…

Porn search terms leading to Tessera Guild:

 

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Pornstar

Porn Starlet

Pron Star

Pic of porno husband (was she trying to catch him cheat or something?)

Sexy Wallpaper

Sexy Labia Moon Party (Invite ME!)

American Porn Photo

Film About Free Sex

American Hot Pron Actress

A Name Pornstar (Lazy person doesn’t even know his/her adult actors.)

Sexy Skulls

Shelly Duvalls Tits

TopSexVids

Kmart Sex XXX (Is that a thing?)

Men Pornstar Image

Sex Yessera (WTF?)

Sex Video Gaees (Huh?)

View Animal and Human Sexy Down Spanking Free Video Down (I shit you not.)

How The Evil Sex Died

Terrance Stamp Naked (No thanks.)

Sexy Thighs Smoking on Halloween

The Diga Ass Photo

Yrul Sexy (Yrul is a place in one of J Edward’s books. It’s def not sexy.)

Tessra Lane Sex Videos

Glorious Foxhole (Not sure if this one’s even a porn search. But it sounds suspicious, so…)

Sex Oyun

Tessera Fucked (We hope not!)

Black Diva Sex Video

Fucking Crying Pornstar (I’ll pretend I have no idea what this means.)

Pronstar Sex Com

Sexy Bangladesh Girl

And also: Sexy Bangladesh Girl on Twitter

Men Pornstar Image

Men Pronstar Image

Tamil Ande Path XXX (Ande’s a character in this book. I guess she’d be Google-worthy.)

Black Big Spiders Hate Fucking Video

Sex Vedeo Pron Gallery (WTF is a vedeo?)

All porn is good. (Not sure I agree with that.)

Shonke Sex Vids (Probably looking for Chad Shonk.)

And finally: Calvin and Hobbes Fuck

* * *

 That was fun to type. Great release. I need a cigarette.

Oh, and This is almost pornographic.

This too, maybe.

J Edward Neill

Pencils, Paint, and Pain – Tyrants of the Dead Art

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It was long and difficult journey to publish my first three fantasy books.

I spent ten years writing them…then another two years in rewrites.

Along the way, I created and commissioned a ton of art for the series. Some of it was inspirational. Other pieces were meant as cover art, and still others for marketing.

Today I’ve brought a ton of it together. Think of this as a unified sketchbook. It includes pieces by the elegant Amanda Makepeace, the gifted Eileen Herron, and the super savvy Damonza.

Please enjoy the art of my Tyrants of the Dead series, which includes the novels Down the Dark Path, Dark Moon Daughter, and Nether Kingdom:

Ur Orig Sketch

Let’s start with a dirty little sketch I did. I sent it to Amanda Makepeace to aid her creation of Nether Kingdom’s cover art. You’ll see in the next pic how she took my humble idea and made it grand.

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Lady Makepeace’s full cover art for Nether Kingdom. This demonic dude is one of the Ur, the primary villains in the series. His skin is shadow, and his insides glow with starlight.

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Sarco

Here’s another bad, bad creature. This full-color piece was Eileen Herron’s vision of a Sarcophage (undead knight) who plagues the pages of book two in the series, Dark Moon Daughter. It’s one of my favorites.

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Dark Moon Daughter Createspace Kindle Front Cover LARGE

What’s this? Why, it’s the original Eileen Herron cover art for Dark Moon Daughter. I commissioned a full-scale painting, which still hangs in my bedroom to this day. Ultimately we went with something edgier and darker for the final cover, but I still love this piece.

 

DMD Warlock Image

This guy (in the lower right of the full painting above) is the only existing image of the malevolent Warlock. Ironically he was modeled after Eileen’s husband, who’s pretty much the opposite of evil.

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The Underhollows

Here’s a painting I did in 2015. I named it the Underhollows. It doesn’t appear in the books, but is meant to show what the world would look like if the villains won.

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Dark Moon Nether Kingdom Concept Dark Moon Daughter Interior Cover Art Cropped

Two Eileen Herron sketches of Andelusia, the series’ heroine.

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 IllyocHere’s a huge canvas painting I did called ‘Illyoc.’ It’s a bit abstract, I admit. It’s a view of the dark stronghold Malog, as seen from a balcony.

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A conceptual piece Amanda Makepeace did. You can see how it’s the beginning of the Nether Kingdom cover. Pretty ghostly, yeah?

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Kinda looks like the killer from the Scream movies, yeah? It’s actually the first ever sketch of the Ur. Another Eileen Herron piece. Nice and creepy.

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Ande Cover 2 (GIMP)  Ande Full Body

These are shots of Eileen Herron’s original cover art for Down the Dark Path. Once again, she painted a large canvas for me which still hangs on my wall. The redhead is pre-darkness Andelusia. The guy with the flaming sword is Garrett Croft. The big red spiky ball was the concept for the evil Soul Orb. I love this painting. But as it turns out, it didn’t photograph well for the final cover. Check out the lone black lock of Ande’s hair. Hint…hint…

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Dark-Andelusia-Landing

Another Eileen Herron sketch of Andelusia. This is our heroine gliding out of the shadows. It’s a simple little drawing, but I’ve always been in love with it.

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Early sketches of Andelusia by me (top left) Amanda Makepeace (top right) and Eileen Herron (bottom.)

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A promo digital painting of Andelusia by Amanda Makepeace.

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Here’s what the Soul Orb ended up becoming. This is just a sliver of Lady Makepeace’s cover work for Book I. And yes…those are bones!

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1 2 3 4

You’ve probably seen these before. I post them all the time. Book I is Amanda’s full cover art. The other three are paintings I did in 2015. The original canvas for Book II (Ghost Tree) ended up being a Christmas gift for a family member. The other two still hang on my wall at home. The painting for Book IV (Ocean of Knives) is epic-level huge, measuring in at 36″ x 48″. It took a month to paint!

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This one was done by online professional, Damonza. He custom-did the entire thing based on a photograph of a woman I was dating at the time. That’s post-darkness Andelusia, and the eyes in the background belong to the Ur. This one is a fan favorite, probably because it’s so damn sexy.

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Eileen Herron’s art for Down the Dark Path…the bookmark. That’s a Furyon knight, fully armored and standing in a storm. It’s a badass piece. I wish I could’ve found a way to make it work for a book cover. Maybe someday…

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 This was the original back cover for Dark Moon Daughter, which I nixed after Damonza finished his sexy cover. This was my first ever attempt at making a back cover by myself. It’s not horrible (but not good, either.)

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The Emperors Vision

 Here’s The Emperor’s Vision, a painting I did in 2015. You can probably see the similarity to Book IV’s cover art. This is meant to be the dark city of Morellellus, in which the very first passages of Down the Dark Path open. It’s still one of my favorites. It was among the very first things I painted for the series.

Ocean 6

Finally, I did a piece called Ocean of Knives. It’s an expansion of The Emperor’s Vision. Same city, same concept, but four times the canvas space.  This painting would quickly become the cover art for Down the Dark Path – Book IV in the mini-series.

Also, here’s a bunch of sketches I did wayyyyy back in the day.

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I hope you enjoyed this glimpse behind the scenes.

Love,

J Edward Neill

Are you an artist, a writer, or just a badass with words to say?

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artists%20wanted

Hey you.

Are you an artist? An author? A photographer? Or someone with something awesome to blog about?

Yeah. We bet you are. 🙂

We think you should know; Tessera Guild is looking for someone like you.

Did you just finish a rockin’ painting? Cool! We want you to blog about it.

Did you publish an epic novel or a smooth little short story? Nice! We want to interview you about it.

Or maybe you want a weekly platform from which to write or podcast about art, life, and the end of the world? Yeah. We can help with that.

Tessera Guild is looking to grow its readership and help fresh new artists and wordsmiths get the exposure they need. We have primary openings on Tuesdays, Fridays, and weekends.

There are no strings attached. We don’t charge any money to anyone. We’re not in this for the cash.

Seriously.

We’re looking for full-time contributors AND one-time interviews, blogs, and press releases.

Interested?

Good. It’s easy. Just reach out to us via the comments section OR the contact link. Or send an email here.

Tessera Guild gets thousands and thousands of hits every single week, and has been for more than two years now. Seems like a no-brainer for you to join us.

See you soon,

Team Tessera

 

The HECATOMB – One Dead, Every Night, Forever…

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THE HECATOMB

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In a drowned village, on a dark shore, in a city of white stones, an ancient evil stalks.
It has no name, no face, and no desire but to see the death of everything…
…and everyone.
One dead. Every night. Forever.
Until nothing remains.

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The Hecatomb includes four short stories, including previously published horror hits Let the Bodies and Old Man of Tessera. The series concludes with all-new spooky tales, The Skeleton Sculptor and The Circle Macabre.

Each story is set in the same world. It’s up to readers to decide the order in which they happen…

The Agonizing Art of Writing Book Blurbs

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A while back I got mega sarcastic with a list of alternative movie blurbs.

And later I roasted myself in public by making fun of all my books.

This time I’m keeping it serious.

If only to illustrate the pain and suffering that accompany writing blurbs (and query letters…and synopses) I’ve challenged myself to write one-sentence descriptions of all my books. The real challenge: giving readers a feel for what the book is about. One sentence. Not too vague. Catchy. Not cliché.

I challenge all my writer friends to do the same.

And all my readers to enjoy this.

Darkness Between the Stars – While gazing at the night sky, the world’s loneliest boy sees the stars begin to disappear.

Big Shiny Red Buttons – The most absurd scenarios imaginable stacked between 100 pages.

Hollow Empire Front Cover

Hollow Empire – Night of Knives – After a plague wipes out most of a medieval nation’s population, five lost souls must survive the horrors that follow.

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Down the Dark Path – Book I – A young woman leaves home to make a better life for herself, only to wander into the heart of a horrific, world-consuming war.

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Old Man of Tessera – The lone survivor of a deadly storm finds the city of Tessera, in which nothing and no one are what they seem.

 The Hecatomb – A ghoulish monster and its offspring stalk cities at night with the aim of killing every last human in the world.

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101 Questions for Humanity – The original entry in the Coffee Table Philosophy series asks short, simple questions with aim of provoking thoughtful answers.

101 Questions for Midnight Front Cover

101 Questions for Midnight – The stakes are raised and the questions darker than ever in this fun, engaging ice-breaker book.

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Down the Dark Path – Book II – A woman follows her lover into a battle he can never hope to win.

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A Door Never Dreamed Of – In a distant Earth future, two young men on opposite sides of an apocalyptic war collide.

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Down the Dark Path – Book III – After invading and crushing his rival’s homeland, a war-crazed emperor sends his cruelest warlord to butcher the last of his enemies.

101 Questions for Women Cover

101 Questions for Women – Written with women in mind but accessible to everyone, 101 Questions for Women focuses on love, lust, and the breakdown of traditional gender roles.

101 Questions for Men Cover

101 Questions for Men – Geared for men, this entry in the Coffee Table Philosophy series asks questions about sex, relationships, and much more.

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Down the Dark Path – Book IV – As a world-ending conflict reaches its climax, a young woman must choose whether to join the winning side and become queen or sacrifice everything to betray her kidnappers.

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The Sleepers – A wealthy student in a far-distant future is tasked with destroying an alien world to save humanity.

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Let the Bodies – A little girl suffers alone while everyone in her city vanishes.

101 Deeper Darker Cover

101 Deeper, Darker Questions for Humanity – 101 dark questions to test your morality, challenge your ethics, and entertain your friends.

101 xxxy Questions Front Cover

101 Sex Questions – Lovers and laugh-seekers alike will find entertainment in this sexy sidekick to the Coffee Table Philosophy series.
  Dark Moon Daughter New Kindle CoverDark Moon Daughter – Young Andelusia Anderae is seduced by a messenger and convinced that her budding black magic is the key to saving thousands of lives.

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Nether Kingdom – At the world’s edge, a sorceress awakens to the terrible realization that she alone can stop an invasion of otherworldly horrors.

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444 Questions for the Universe – Meant to entertain for hours, 444 Questions is a grand compilation of serious yet fun questions.

The Little Book of BIG Questions – Science and morality collide in the ultimate conversation-starting book for smart people.

101QSP

101 Questions for Single People – In the modern world of swiping left and never looking back, 101 Questions for Single People asks readers about every facet of love, lust, and human romantic connection.

Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows – A leper dedicates his life to saving children, a woman accepts the rarest of all murder contracts, a girl suffers insanity in a space colony, a train-hopping duo crosses through dimensions, and much, much more…
*The Ultimate Get to Know Someone Quiz – A delightful crash course of fun questions to ask spouses, significant others, family, and friends.

 

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There might be no better way to grab a reader’s attention than through a good blurb.

…and no easier way to lose it with a bad one.

See you on the flip side.

J Edward Neill

101 Questions for Single People

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There’s a fun new book in town…

It’s book 8 in the Coffee Table Philosophy series.

 

101 Questions for Single People

It’s 101 pages chock full of funny yet serious questions about sex and relationships, online dating, and the pursuit of love (and lust) in the modern age.

 

It’s co-authored by Jaylene Jacobus and J Edward Neill.

Whether you’ve been single your whole life or married for thousands of years, this book will entertain you.

We promise…

101QSP Full Frontal

The sexy softcover

 

 

101QSP Full Front Cover

The easy-to-download Kindle version

Oh, and here’s a small sample of the kinds of questions you’ll find.

Get your copy and start 101 new conversations today!

J & J

10 Good Places to Eat and get Tipsy in Atlanta

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Ages ago, I moved from Chicago to Atlanta.

And now that I’ve lived here for the last thousand years or so, I’m starting to get a feel for what’s good to eat down here (and what’s not.) It’s also probably worth mentioning that I’m a foodie, a wine-lover, a cocktail fiend, and an atmosphere aficionado. I love to eat. And I love to eat out on the town.

Before we start, I’ve got a disclaimer. The following ten restaurants are NOT what I’m claiming to be Atlanta’s best food. That’s a different list. This list is exactly what the title says. Good food + good cocktails + cool atmosphere = on the list. These are all places I’d take a date, and none of them will break your bank.

In no particular order, please enjoy:

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Tannery RowTannery Row Ale House

Features – It’s all about the building. It’s literally a former tannery.

Way out in Buford (NE ‘burb of Atlanta) diners can experience classic American cuisine in a renovated tannery. The ceiling is three-stories high. The building still has remnants of its past as a full-service tannery…from 1873. The food here isn’t really the draw; it’s good, but not transcendent. It’s about the coolness of eating in a huge & open building. Tannery Row also doubles as a great event space, hosting New Years’ parties and other bashes. They can do it because they’re frickin’ huge.

Sage Woodfire TavernSage Woodfire Tavern (Two locations: Perimeter and Alpharetta)

Features – Huuuuge bar. Excellent wine list. Fantastic meat dishes.

Situated on Atlanta’s Northeast perimeter, Sage Woodfire is a meat and wine lover’s paradise. You say you want a great lamb shank, a succulent slab of pork, or a bombastic-good hamburger? This is your spot. And let’s not forget the wine list, which is big and yet somehow still refined. The wait-staff never fails to make excellent pairings. And…if you’re in the mood for a cocktail, they’ve got all the goodies. (Personally, I’m convinced they have a master-level sommelier hiding behind the bar.) Speaking of bars, Sage’s is truly massive. It’d be hard not to enjoy yourself sitting up there, soaking up the warm, oaky, and vibrant atmosphere.

Rumis

Rumi’s Kitchen

Features – Kabobs, custom cocktails, and the best rice around

Perhaps some are intimidated by the idea of Persian cuisine. At Rumi’s there’s no need to be. The menu features an amazing selection of fresh, perfectly-spiced meats, fine sauces, and over-the-top good rice. Like chicken, lamb, salmon, or prawns? Good, because Rumi’s makes them all taste unique and yet utterly approachable. Also, and perhaps most importantly, the cocktails are absurdly good. I’d list them here, but they’re all amazing. Just. Go.

Brio Atlanta

Brio (Downtown location)

Features – Classic Italian dishes served with fine wine in an upscale setting

In a big, open room, with a wait-staff buzzing all around, patrons can still find a seat and enjoy a private (maybe even romantic) evening. In the heart of downtown (there’s also a Perimeter location) Brio is accessible, fun, and delicious. They have all the classic Italian dishes, and they do them very well. While good for dates, it’s also a great spot for larger groups, which the huge central room can easily accommodate. Once again, here’s a spot with a good (but not great) wine selection. Need some noodles and a good drink or three? Get downtown and try Brio.

Eclipse di LunaEclipse di Luna (Perimeter location)

Features – Fast-paced tapas with amazing cocktails and late-night live music

Eclipse di Luna is one of my personal favorite spots in Atlanta. Either on dates or in small, tight groups, its lively atmosphere and stunningly good beverages can make the night just happen. The menu is almost all tapas, and it’s all great. Spiced taters, hummus, smoked salmon…the list goes on and on. It’s all got a hint of Spanish flavor; nothing too spicy, nothing too tame. Every time I go here, a pitcher of a little sumthin’ sumthin’ (usually mojitos) finds its way to my table. If you want a nice and loud night, this is your spot. (And afterward, head over to Café Intermezzo for coffee and cake.)

AntebellumAntebellum

Features – Small, focused menu. Top shelf cocktails. Wonderful staff.

Now let’s head out of the city. Way up in Flowery Branch (practice home of the Atlanta Falcons) one can find a true Southern gem. With a tight menu (usually 6-8 entrees) Antebellum’s focus is to make each bite life-changing good. They feature contemporary Southern cuisine, such as wild scallops & shrimp, braised duck, and mouth-watering short ribs. And let’s not forget the small but formidable wine list, perfectly paired to the seasonal menu. The bar is tiny, and yet…if you can find a seat there…you might not want to leave.

CincoCinco

Features – Straight up Mex and Tex-Mex entrees. Heavenly margaritas.

In sunny Suwanee, one can find Cinco, a somewhat upscale take on Mexican and Southwestern cuisine. Want sizzling hot fajitas? Go here. Want some choice tacos? Yep. Right here. Cinco isn’t super fancy, but it’ll fill you up with some damn good (and super fresh) food. Featured on Cinco’s menu are its margaritas, all of which are sharp, strong, and deeeeelicious. If you’re staying out late, Cinco also has a secondary bar attached to the restaurant. It’s called Cinco After 5. It’s great for people-watching (and eavesdropping) while sipping on top-notch cocktails.

Atlantic seafood

Atlantic Seafood Company

Features – Super fresh seafood paired with excellent service

Up in Alpharetta, we find Atlantic Seafood Company. As far as variety and quality of seafood options, there might be no better location in Atlanta. They’ve got everything…and they’ll prepare it any way you please. If you want classic and fresh-off-the-boat crustaceans or fish, they’re yours. And if you’ve got a taste for fresh oysters, look no further. Not to be outdone, ASC’s staff is fast, courteous, and professional. I’ve been there dozens of times, and I’ve yet to have a sub-par experience. Plus, like most of the restaurants on this list, Atlantic Seafood has superior craft cocktails.


Scope

Kaleidoscope

Features – Craft beers, excellent daily specials, and specialty pizzas.

A personal favorite of mine, Kaleidoscope is both a quality spot (to haunt and people-watch) and a solid choice for dinner and a loud conversation. Situated in the heart of Brookhaven, it features a huge long-table in its heart, surrounded by smaller, cozier tables. The bartending game is strong, with weekly craft beer specials and a tasty core of tending-toward-strong cocktails. They’ve recently added a pizza oven, which only adds to an already wonderful menu. Aside from the food and spirits, KScope has some of the liveliest late-night crowds in town. Pick a spot and sip the night away, people.

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Marlow’s Tavern 

Features – Mega-friendly staff. Monthly menu specials. Superior atmosphere.

With a sprinkling of locations in and around metro Atlanta, Marlow’s has quickly become a dining/drinking hot spot. The M (as they call it) specializes in its super, super, super friendly staff. Seriously, the M team is as professional and courteous as they come. Even better, as someone who’s been to the M hundreds of times, I attest I’ve never had a bad meal there. Gumbo, pork chops, salmon, crème brulee…it’s all solid. While not boasting a massive beer or wine selection, their cocktails are top notch, especially the famous New Fashioned. Forget your average sports bar. Hit up the M.

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Headed to Atlanta for the weekend? Lived here for ages and looking for someplace new?  Try one of these. You’ll not regret it.

And when you’re done eating (and maybe getting tipsy) entertain your guests at home with some quality Coffee Table Philosophy.

Love,

J Edward Neill

Author of the new novella, A Door Never Dreamed Of

Prolific painter of giant canvasses

Dark fiction novelist extraordinaire

 

Furious Feline Armageddon

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Ages ago when I lived in the real world, I had a crap-ton of cats. I mean…a lot…as in too damn many.

They swept in and out of my life like ocean waves. Sometimes the tide would rise (12 cats when I was a kid) and later recede (as I type this, only 2 are left.)

They’ve been a constant fixture in my life. I admit I’m not really sure what’ll happen when the last two go. Maybe I’ll get more, maybe not. We’ll see.

Look, I get it that dudes having cats is pretty much the end of the world.

F it.

Here’s a glimpse of my cat army, past and present:

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Let’s start WAY back, as in almost 20 years ago. This here is Pumpkin, codename: Mr. Bitch. He lost his eye due to surgery, but lasted many years afterward.

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The fun thing about Mr. Bitch was that even after he was fixed, he would try to have sex with all the female cats. They didn’t seem to mind. I guess you can’t keep some guys down.

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Here’s Mr. Bitch’s main concubine, Callie. Aka: Kong. As far as cat friends go, she was tops.

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Kong caught napping. This little cat would dream so deep she’d shiver. No doubt dreaming of Mr. Bitch gettin’ his groove on.

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This here is Giblet, codename: Jibby. And yes, that’s a human head she’s living on.

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Jibby was a nutty animal. Not quite right in the head. She eventually ran away. I still like to think she’s out there doin’ her thing. If she’s alive, she’s only 8 years old, so maybe…

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Now let’s talk about Chitlen, aka: Cheezy, aka: Chang. She was badly inbred and insufferably dumb. But damn she did funny stuff. Every time anything in the house would make a hissing sound, she’d go bonkers and meow…forever.

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Cheezy wrapped up in a Cubs blanket. Lil’ fatass could sleep anywhere, anytime.

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Introducing Angel, alias: Da Terre. She never really fit in with the rest of the troops. In an army, she’d be a spy, a sniper, a lone wolf. She may very well have been the smartest of them all. It’s probably important to mention this shelf was about 6 1/2 feet off the ground.

BaBa

I mean…I guess she was kinda pretty. A cameo Persian, they called her.

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Link and Melba. Named for the Zelda character and the toast. Found these two at a softball game. I think they were bro and sis, but who knows?

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That’s Cheezy on the right, and Braids (aka: T Nigs) on the left. I couldn’t even sit on the damn couch without them showing up looking for handouts.

 

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This one still lives with me. Noodle is impossibly stupid, but undeniably the nicest animal you’ll ever meet. Also, she smells bad.

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‘Derrrrrr, whad am I s’posed to do wit dat?’

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Now let’s talk about my BFF, my main cat, my little pardna in crime. This is Sticky, aka: Sticks, and even though she’s blind now, she’s still a lunatic.

LEAD Technologies Inc. V1.01

This is Sticky fighting UFO’s with her death-ray vision.

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She also makes for a great movie-time snack: Pretzels.

More Sticky action shots:

 IM000099 IM000098 Last Pics B4 Camera Erased 004 Last Pics B4 Camera Erased 003And random shots of the army at work…and asleep:

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I’ve had about 35 cats during various phases of my life. Alas, I don’t have pics of most of them (leastways not digital ones.)

Most of them have passed on.

But they’re still troops in my army. And always will be.

And when I reach the point of having no pets anymore (probable considering my plan to move) I’ll remember these little mofos.

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Sadly, in this book, all the cats are GONE.

See you next time.

J Edward Neill

Fifty MORE things you should probably think about…

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fitty

I’m not sayin’.

I’m just sayin‘.

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50 MORE Things You Should Probably Think About

A rare compliment is better than everyday flattery.

Don’t fistfight the person who cuts you off in traffic. Fight the one who says you can’t do something. And fight them with your mind, not your hands.

Patience is a virtue, but sometimes you need to do stuff right f’ing now.

Wine is healthier for you than soda.

Stainless steel looks cool, but definitely isn’t stainless.

Win or lose, there’s a six-month post-election limit on leaving political candidate bumper stickers on your car.

Be the one who tips too much.

Think of meteorology the same as telling ghost stories around a campfire. Both contain fiction designed to scare people.

 Don’t drive around looking for the best parking spot available. Get some exercise; park in the farthest spot imaginable.

Try not to do a movie on the first date. Go somewhere you can look them in the eyes.

The five minutes after you start doing something are easier than the five years you procrastinated before doing it.

Insulting the things other people love doesn’t make the things you love more awesome.

Consider being friends before lovers.

You can be a cat person and a dog person. It’s possible.

Kids these days want the same things as kids during previous generations’ days. They just chase it differently.

Never be ashamed of the music you love.

The best time to order pizza delivery is immediately after grocery shopping.

Valentines Day is a fraud if you want it to be. But extremely romantic if you care to try.

Odds are you probably already have everything you need.

Always keep Ramen noodles handy.

No one really cares whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert. As long as you’re a decent human being, it’s all good.

Sometimes the grass is actually a LOT greener. Sometimes not. Flip a coin.

Try taking MMA classes. Not to learn how to kick people’s asses, but instead to gain the confidence to know you can.

If you have to drive after drinking heavily, pound water for 90 minutes and stay in the fast lane. 🙂

It’s possible the only purpose of life is to live.

One learns much more in defeat than in victory.

Instead of lite beer, why not just drink water? It’s cheaper and has the same effect.

Try not to jump on the bandwagon of manufactured causes.

Consider collecting experiences instead of things.

The Big Green Egg is a fantastic grill, but steak still tastes better when cooked over charcoal.

It’s cool to be weird, off-the-grid, or eccentric. But it loses some of its luster when you talk about it too much on the internet.

Everyone can be corrupted. The trick is knowing exactly what ruins you and staying the hell away from it.

The coldest winds don’t blow through mountains or forests. They blow through the human heart. Luckily, the same is true for warm wind.

Forget sharks. Be afraid of jellyfish.

For every person who loves a thing, someone else is offended by that same thing. Fuck it.

Good luck changing anyone’s political belief system.

Resting Bitch Face (RBF) doesn’t always mean what it looks like. But sometimes it does.

The best kind of diet & exercise plan is one you can do for the rest of your life.

Survival of the fittest no longer really applies. But it might someday. So it’s probably a good idea to keep doing pushups.

Odds are someone is stalking your Facebook page right now.

Odds are even better someone currently has a huge crush on you that you’ll never know about.

The government will never be the super-efficient machine we want it to be. If it were, millions of people would be out of work.

There’s no such thing as ‘morning people.’ There are people who hate mornings and those who hate them slightly less.

It’s entirely possible there’s no such thing as right or wrong.

The key to finding happiness is embracing its elusiveness.

If you’re nervous about trying a new food, get tipsy first. Everything tastes a better with little liquor. Everything except key lime pie.

Mile number five is a thousand times more satisfying than Mile zero.

Almost everything you click on the internet is designed to take your money. (Oh, the irony.)

A sure mark of intelligence is the reservation of judgment.

All men are probably not created equal.

* * *

For the original 50 Things You Should Probably Think About, go here.

If you like the serious stuff, hit this.

J Edward Neill

Notes from a (mildly) successful author

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Last year I sold just over three-thousand books.

Using Kindle Unlimited alone, readers devoured about 18,000 pages of my written works.

Does that sounds like a lot?

It isn’t.

But nor is it insignificant.

So here I find myself, two years after starting my self-publishing journey.

Let’s be honest; I’m stuck squarely in mediocrity.

It’s not a terrible place to be, I guess. I’m not beating myself up about it, but nor can I pat myself on the back. To be honest, I don’t know what I expected in terms of success. When I started this journey I didn’t have a well-crafted plan, a true marketing focus, or an end-of-line goal. It was just me, a small pile of fantasy books, and a notion that a few people might like to read them.

And yet…

The more I wrote, the more I wanted.

And suddenly the idea of mere modest success didn’t sit so well with me.

Let’s jump back in time a bit. Last year I was at a friend’s house party. I was there alone, no date, but most of the others had significant others. As I sat on the couch, cocktail in hand, I people-watched. Cute girls, I observed. Young dudes. But WTF? Everyone is on their cell phone. An idea struck me right then and there. A non-fiction book. Something I’d never even considered before. Something simple to read at parties, break the ice, and pry people’s noses out of their devices. In that moment, the 101 Questions for Humanity series was born. I published the book in less than a month…and all of the sudden sales started to rise. (Special thanks to the UK for buying the hell out of these.)

So. Yeah. A non-fiction book. By a guy who’d only ever written deep, dark fiction. At the time I wrote it, I still didn’t have a plan. But I did have the drive. Know what I mean?

That was about eight months ago. And today here I am, still pounding out words. I’m floating in the grey space between not-at-all-successful and full-time-pay-all-my-bills-writer. I imagine this is where most of my contemporaries sit. We don’t make enough cash to quit our jobs (yet) but nor are we the sort to publish one or two books and sell them only to sympathetic families and friends. We pay our utilities with our royalties, but not our mortgages. Our sales charts look like roller coasters, neither flat-lining nor reaching the grand plateau of holy-shit-I-made-it.

Mosher

It feels a little like this. Battling for crowd supremacy. Sparring with a thousand other people who want the exact same thing.

I guess, given that I’ve only been at publishing two years, and taking into account I have a kid, a terrible day job, and an aggressive social life, I should probably be happy with being in Middle-Land. It’s not so bad. I could walk away right now holding my head high, thinking to myself, well, I wrote more words and sold more books than 99% of the population. I could probably give up the art and never look back.

But if you know me…and more importantly if you know human nature…sometimes settling for mediocrity isn’t in the cards.

I’m going to write until I’m dead. That’s just how it’s gonna be.

A while back, I penned a piece about enjoying healthy competition with your peers. I launched it with writers and artists in mind, but really it applies to everyone. The idea is this: if you want to be better than everyone else, you have to BE better. You have to live it, own it, breathe it. And when you find yourself swimming with ten thousand other fish and you’re aching to either push on or quit and try something else, you’ve got a tough decision to make. Existing in mediocrity ain’t easy. It’s hard to push yourself to the limit, harder still when you learn the fruits of your labor are smaller than you hoped for. You can quit and be happy. You can keep on keepin’ on, content with being in the middle. Or you can roll your sleeves up and get ready to fistfight the entire world. It’s your call, really.

Look, this is not where I get motivational. I don’t have any advice to speed anyone on the way to success. That’s not really my thing. But…I do have a few observations:

Being in the middle of the pack doesn’t suck after two years. It probably will after ten.

Having modest success feels a half a click better than having none…but ten clicks worse than earning big success.

Consumers of books and art don’t usually need perfection. They want to be engaged. They want an emotional response.

If you can keep giving it to them, you’ve got a shot.

My point is that swimming with the crowd won’t kill you. It’ll sting a little every day you’re stuck in it, but it’s not like swinging and missing completely.

Or is it?  

*

The End

* * *

Sudden stops are my kind of thing.

Sudden heart-stops, too.

Until next time.

J Edward Neill

One dead. Every night. Forever.

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Let’s keep 2016 cold.

Nah. Let’s keep it chilling.

Introducing the cover art for my novella, The Hecatomb.

TheHecatombWeb

Hecatomb (n) – an extensive loss of life for some cause…

The Hecatomb contains four spooky short stories, including fan favorites Let the Bodies and Old Man of Tessera.

The stories are all set in the same world.

It’s up to readers to decide in which order they take place…

TheHecatombWebBack

The Hecatomb is now available for Kindles and in a deep, dark softcover!

Special thanks to Amanda Makepeace for helping me put my original painting into print.

See you soon…

J Edward Neill

40 things you probably didn’t want to know about me

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A few weeks ago, the Warlock of Wednesdays (aka: Tessera god John R McGuire) posted a thoughtful, friendly piece about his personal life. It made for a warm read about a great guy. You see, John recently turned 40, and with his article he offered a bit of insight into the life experiences that got him to this point.

Yeah. Well. I’m a little envious. Not of turning 40. But of having cool, warm, and fuzzy life experiences.

So naturally I’m going to steal John’s idea and turn it into something sarcastic.

….just because….

* * *

40 things you probably didn’t want to know about me

1. Every year after my 6th birthday, I secretly woke up in the middle of the night to unwrap and rewrap every Christmas gift I ever received. This meant that for about 12 years, I had to feign surprise for every gift I ever opened. (If anyone from my family reads this, I’m sorry. Don’t be mad.)

2. When I went to middle school, which I hated every minute of, I was told I’d be joining the band. It wasn’t a choice. It just was. So instead of picking out the only instrument I really wanted to play (guitar) I chose the most obnoxious instrument I could thing of (trumpet) just to be a prick. And then promptly spent the next two years being the worst trumpet player the world has ever seen.

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The worst part about playing the trumpet: Cleaning the four gallons of spit out.

 

3. The second concert I ever went to (at the tender age of 15) featured a live sex show. I had no idea it was gonna happen. Nor do I know why they let me in. Thanks, Roxy!

4. When I was 16, a friend hit me so hard in the skull with a PVC pipe that I had a hematoma the size of my fist on my head for about a week. (Special thanks to the random nurse lady who told me the best way not to die was to not sleep for the next 48 hours.)

5. For my first five years of school, I went to a private Catholic gig. I was the only unbaptized kid out of 800. Every time they held Communion, I sat in the back pews and tried to make a girl named Trisha Graham laugh. She did, and I always got in trouble. Also, just like Bart Simpson, I actually had to write all my misdeeds on the chalkboard 100 times. For real. My most infamous chalkboard session read: ‘I will not teach Daniel to say the F word.’ (Sorry, Dan.)

6. The first concert I went to was Phil Collins. At the show’s end, he played a looooooooong drum solo, which was amazing. I’m still not really a fan of Phil, but the show was transcendent.

7. For a while when I was a little kid, we had 12 cats. Yes, 12. And when I sat on the couch, huge piles of them would come sleep on my legs. My favorite: a fat grey cat named Sluggo. And his mom, Airhead.

8. I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my entire life.

9. Or done a drug of any kind (other than liquor and a crap ton of Advil….)

10. When I was super young, we didn’t have a local little league baseball team. So to make my throwing arm stronger, I’d go alone to an abandoned school with a brick wall and hurl baseballs against it. I did it for hours every day, and this routine lasted for years. To this day, I can throw a baseball the width of a major league field and launch a football about 60 yards. Practice, kids!

11. I was once mauled by a German Shepherd. Damn thing almost took my leg off.

12. Until 2006, I wore glasses. I was blind as a bat. I couldn’t read signs further than 10 feet away and I struggled to play all the sports I loved. And then I got Lasik (from the dude who invented the machine, no less) and since then I’ve had 20/10 vision. I can’t even remember what it was like to not be able to see everything perfectly.

13. I have eight wisdom teeth. Yes, eight. They’re called supernumeraries, and I have f’n eight of ’em. The ones in the back look like creepy sideways vampire fangs. Six are coming out soon. Side-note: I’m not even a little bit wise.

14. At Dragon Con in 1994, I stepped on Glenn Danzig’s foot. Hard. In an elevator. While he was standing next to his bodyguard. And he didn’t say a word to me. Surreal, considering I love the dude’s music.

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Sorry about the toes, dude. My bad.

15. I have never owned a vehicle manufactured by any company other than Toyota.

16. Once, when I was 10, my dad came to my school in Chicago. He walked up to my classroom and took me right out in the middle of the school-day. Without explanation, he drove me to Wrigley Field to watch the Cubs play a day game. They lost (of course) but I remember that day like it was yesterday.

17. I have four siblings, none of whom have the exact same two biological parents. They live all over the United States. One is a museum curator, another a midwife advocate. Two are married. Sadly, I haven’t seen any of them in years.

18. I was fired from my first job for playing Doom. 🙂

19. In high school I had a haircut known as a Devilock. See below. Yes, really.

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Didn’t paint my face white. Probably should have.

20. Speaking of haircuts, in the last 25 years, I’ve had only 1 single haircut done by an actual barber. I’ve chopped my own hair every other time.

21. I’ve never met my biological mother. Don’t feel bad, though. I had a grandmother who pulled double duty as both the best mom AND best grandma ever. Her nickname: Grambo (For surviving multiple bouts of cancer.)

22. For the most part, I can’t stand reading books in the same genre I write. Meaning I have a strong dislike for most fantasy, sci-fi, and horror books. Weird, right?

23. In high school I handmade hundreds of T-shirts based on metal bands (Slayer, Morbid Angel, etc) and role-playing games. I still have a half-dozen or so of the originals in my closet.

24. My favorite movie of all time is the original Terminator.

25. My favorite book of all time is Ender’s Game. (the movie was awful)

26. My favorite food of all time is lobster (with drawn butter.)

27. Even now as I write this list I’m considering become a vegetarian. I’d still eat seafood, but not beef, pork, or chicken. The challenges: eating seafood is ‘spensive AND my kid doesn’t like fish at all.

28. It took me ten years and four rewrites to finish my first book, Down the Dark Path. But in the two years since I published it, I’ve written and published nineteen additional books. Obviously I wasn’t doing it right.

29. At the time of writing this list, it’s 2AM in the morning. I’m listening to this song on repeat. I’ve had four different glasses of wine at three different locations, driven three hours in the last 24, eaten 5 meals, and watched two friends fall in love with each other right before my eyes.  🙂

30. In my first little league game ever, I hit a grand slam. And then I didn’t hit another home run until I started playing semi-pro ball….nearly 14 years later.

31. The first video game I remember playing in my life is an ancient game called Utopia. It came out for a wonky system named Intellivision about 25 years ago. I remember playing it in my aunt’s room until the wee hours of the night, at which point she’d have to chase me out to get me to stop playing.

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This game. Right here. Look at those graphics!

32. At the time of this article going live, I will have published nearly two-million words between this blog, my DDP blog, and all my books combined. Obsessed much?

33. My oldest cat, Sticky, is completely blind. But the real story is in her name. I named her Sticky, or ‘Sticks‘ after the nickname Mad Martigan gave the baby in the old-school movie Willow. And I have no idea why.

34. In high school (down here in North GA) I met a friend who lived about five miles away from me. His name was Lee. After a short conversation, Lee and I learned that we’d actually grown up (in Chicago) only about five miles apart. Small world, right? Wait, it gets better. That same year I met another friend who was born on the exact same day in the exact same year as me, about five minutes apart.

35. Every morning for about four months during my senior year of high school, I played hookie and went to Waffle House instead. And still got an A in the vocational class I was skipping. Clearly my teacher just didn’t care.

36. I have never eaten a scallop.

37. I have a nervous habit of folding drinking straws into triangles at restaurants. I’ve done it for decades without even really realizing it. About a week ago, a beautiful woman noticed me doing it, called me out on it, and suddenly after all these years the habit is gone. Just. Like. That.

38. I can’t sleep unless it’s absolutely freezing in whatever room I’m in. And I don’t mean 65F with a fan on. I mean 50F with two fans on. I pity all the women I’ve dated. Sorry, ladies. My bad.

39. Over the years I’ve been robbed a few times. Once, a thief stripped my cd player and cds from my car. Another time, someone stole all my Nintendo cartridges. But the worst, and the only one I really ever cared about, was the time someone stole my custom bowling ball out of my trunk. It had ‘Ball of Death’ engraved on it. It was gunmetal grey. I loved that damn ball. F you, thief.

40. For almost my entire life, I railed against the idea of having children. The idea of being responsible for another human being sat in direct opposition to every instinct I had about being free and happy. And then one day my newborn kid looked me in the eyes as if to say, ‘Hey there. Nice meeting you. Feed me.’ And since then I’ve been an emotional wreck who can’t go five minutes without wondering how I could’ve ever NOT wanted this kid in my life. 🙂

* * *

 Ok. We’re done with that. Now let’s get dark again.

Read this, and tell me what you think.

J Edward Neill

20 Things I’ve Dreamed About

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Not so long ago, I lost my dreams.

Meaning; I stopped having them.

Entirely.

I think I know the reason why. But reasons aren’t always important. Instead I think I’ll catalog some of the ones I remember. For my sake. And hopefully for your entertainment.

* * *

A lot of people describe having falling dreams. I can’t remember ever having one of those. But I used to have falling ‘up’ dreams. As in I keep falling toward outer space. I don’t die out there in the stars. I just keep going. Trippy.

Remember the cool spherical submarine James Cameron took down into the ocean deeps? I dreamed that. Except the sub went way, way down. Not just the seven miles into the Marianas Trench, but a hundred miles deeper. I can’t really recall what I saw down there, but it was fascinating…and terrifying.

I once dreamed I met two men in Israel. They each offered me a different power, but the catch was I’d have to use it to help them do nefarious things. One power was to slow time for everyone else besides myself. The second was to become as heavy (in terms of weight) as I desired, while maintaining the same size. Both would make me unstoppable. I did bad things. I chose the weight power, then used it to steal the time power from the other guy. Oddly enough, this weird little dream inspired my new book, A Door Never Dreamed Of.

Ever seen the movie, The Fountain? Pretty good flick. I dreamed I was the dude in a space bubble, and I dreamed it fifty times, maybe more. I was utterly alone, forever floating. I was immortal. It was kinda cool, and supremely lonely.

I had a baaaaad nightmare when I was eight. My recently departed grandfather visited me, only he was rotting, eyeless, and nasty. His guts were hanging out. He looked like the dude from the old Metallica video, The Unforgiven. Yikes.

Less a dream and more an observation. I’ve never heard music of any kind during any dream I’ve ever had. Is that unusual? Do you guys hear tunes while you sleep?

I used to have a specific night terror as a boy, then later as a teenager (after several years of not having it.) In the nightmare, a skeletal shadow hovered over me as I slept. It woke me, whispered horrible things to me, and promised one day it would destroy me. Not just my body, but my soul. I decided later in life to make this critter the bad guy in my way-too-F’n-long fantasy series, and haven’t had the nightmare since. Hmmmm…

I had a recurring dream about a genie in a bottle. No…not the Christina Aguilera song. The genie asked me what my one wish was. (It was BS I didn’t get three.) My answer was always the same: The Power of Persuasion. Meaning anything I suggested to any person, they listened to. It was the ultimate Jedi mind trick. Sometimes I used the power for good. Sometimes just to get laid. Other times I took over the entire planet, upon which I established a seriously dark, tyrannical empire. Fun!

First dream I remember having: I’m in a car driving down a long road I’ve been down before, but can’t remember where it is in real life. Graveyards sleep on either side of the car. It’s not scary at all. There’s someone singing to me in the front seat. It’s soothing, but kinda dark.

The worst nightmare I’ve ever had (worse than rotting grandpa and shadow demon) was definitely this: I’m relaxing in my childhood bedroom. I have earphones on, but no music is playing. I’m at peace, but suddenly every single light in the world starts going out. I can sense the lights dying one by one. And then the outage comes to my house. It’s slow. It’s agonizing. And when the last light dies (a lamp beside my bed) I expire.

I dreamed this one almost exactly as I ended up writing it. I’m a boy at a zoo for aliens. I’m with my family. Everything seems fine, until it doesn’t. If you care, the story is here.

Ever played the game Metroid? Basically it’s a story about a woman alone on a planet full of things that want to kill her. For almost a year, I had a similar dream. Earth needs me to go to this weird planet and blow it up. No one can go with me. After training, I land on this eerie place and wander into some caves. Sadly I never get to finish. I like to think I completed my mission. Guess I’ll never know.

In a completely non-sexual way, I had a recurring dream about a red-haired woman. She was like my sister or something, and I was completely obligated to follow her around, protect her, and to not under any circumstances fall in love with her. All of this I did in a medieval setting. No modern conveniences at all. The girl later became part of the inspiration for the heroine (Andelusia) in my dark fiction series.

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In one of my favorite dreams, I soar through clouds that look much like these. I’m utterly free, no cares in the world. I like to think we’d all love this dream.

I dreamed once, maybe twice, of a great, dark city. The city was newly-made, shiny and black. It wasn’t really modern, but nor was it from the old world. The city lay on a black shore upon which oil instead of water washed up in waves. I wandered the city for years. And found no one. So I painted it here.

Had a dream that the Russian government asked me to end a war. All I had to do was assassinate the president of their rival nation. I did terrible things in this dream, but perhaps the saving grace is that I never got to the end. The Russians didn’t win, and I always had the sense that they were the bad guys to begin with. (Disclaimer: I don’t believe this in real-life.)

I used to have persistent (and weird) dreams of being Lucifer from Paradise Lost. I fight God, lose, and fall. Except Hell in my dreams isn’t scary or hot. It’s peaceful, albeit cold.

Ok. Yes. I’ve had the typical I’m the best NFL quarterback in the world dream. I mean…it’s been a while. Forgive me, ok?

This one sounds like a nightmare, but it never really was. As a ghost, I wandered the world for hundreds of years after my death. I couldn’t touch or really affect anything. I figure I should’ve been lonely, but somehow I wasn’t. It was kinda interesting observing how humanity evolved. I only wish I could’ve remembered all the cool tech I dreamed up. 🙂

The last dream I remember having before my dreams stopped: walking through the rain on a forested mountainside. So very peaceful. If that was the last one I ever have, I’ll take it.

* * *

Here’s a book that wasn’t inspired by any dreams.

And here’s one almost entirely dream-made.

See ya.

J Edward Neill

 

Down the Dark Path – Deadly Little Discount

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This week only.

Down the Dark Path

Mega-discounted for Kindles underworld-wide!

When Andelusia Anderae leaves home in search of a better life, she plunges into the world-ending war between Graehelm and Furyon. The deeper she falls, the more she senses the dark powers rising within her, and the more she realizes she is not so different than the enemy.

Love might not be enough to save her, for the Furyons are all-powerful.

And the shadow within desires her more than any living man ever will. 

Soul Orb New DDP Cover Second Try

Down the Dark Path – Epic Fantasy for Adults

J Edward Neill

Painting with Darkness, Part VIII

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In recent weeks, I’ve been working with my paintbrush more than I’ve been writing.

Turns out slashing with paint gets the darkness out of my system much faster than hammering on a keyboard.

And so I thought I’d share:

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‘Fire Lens’ – 36″ x 36″

Fire Lens is 3 lbs of canvas. It’s huge! The photo here is somewhat muted, but the live version is lustrous and dark, a shining white eye wreathed in deep crimson and black. It’s a room dominator, to be sure.

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Dripping

‘Dripping’ – 36″ x 22″

Dripping was a tortuous painting. It started as a watercolor experiment and became much more. I saturated my paints with as much water as they could hold (while still maintaining a bit of grey/black) and went to work. The acrylics drained down the canvas. The white lines you see are drip marks, which is exactly what I wanted. The muddled blacks and gruesome greys are where I let the watered paint form into little puddles. This is one sad, cold painting.

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G Sunshine

‘Sunshine’ – 16″ x 12″

My kid, the G Man, won’t let me paint without him. He’s done almost as much canvas work as I have! Here’s a quick multicolor work he named Sunshine. It’s a stark contrast to my darkness, which I love about his method. He says this is what the sun looks like up close. Pretty close, right?

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The Hecatomb Master

‘The Hecatomb’ – 30″ x 20″

Most of my work is without purpose. I just paint what I want and let the brush fall where it may. Not so with The Hecatomb. This large canvas was created with a book’s front and back covers in mind. The book by the same name will be out soon. It’s a sequel to this and this.

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* * *

If you liked these, here’s a few Painting with Darkness posts from history. Like this. And this. And this.

And the darkest of all my art appears on these.

Until next time.

J Edward Neill

J Edward’s Alternative Book Plotlines

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So…

A few weeks ago I got super sarcastic with my list of alternative movie blurbs.

So now that I’ve made fun of everyone else, it’s time I put my own face in the cannon.

Here’s everything I’ve ever published, but with smartass descriptions.

Enjoy!

Hollow Empire Front Cover

Hollow Empire – Night of Knives – Five homeless people with crappy hygiene do their best to avoid living normal lives. The five include an overweight leper, two lovers who refuse to have sex, and the world’s most negligent mom.

 

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Down the Dark Path – Book I – A redheaded girl decides the best way to improve her social status is to follow a murderer into the woods. Meanwhile, a guy with a beard builds a shitload of boats.

 

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Old Man of Tessera – A teenager runs away from home and shacks up with the first guy he meets, who happens to be a creepy octogenarian.

 

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101 Questions for Humanity – An asshole who never studied philosophy in college decides to ruin everyone’s buzz by asking complicated questions.

 

101 Questions for Midnight Front Cover

101 Questions for Midnight – The aforementioned asshole shows up really late and craps on the party. This time he brings a pile of immoral, morbid questions to pester everyone with.

 

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Down the Dark Path – Book II – Rather than live happily in a beautiful city where everyone loves her, a lonely woman stalks a clueless soldier directly into the battle he’s trying not to fight. The soldier’s friend (his hopelessly lousy wing-man) starts killing everyone with a purple sword.

 

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A Door Never Dreamed Of – Two racists decide to impress their girlfriends by using high-tech gadgets to slaughter a bunch of people who can’t even move.

 

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Down the Dark Path – Book III – A bearded douchebag uses his sword to turn his enemies’ country into Seattle. Meanwhile, five guys try to end a war by marching through a swamp and bitching endlessly about the weather.

 

101 Questions for Women Cover

101 Questions for Women – A sexist pig attempts to disguise his chauvinism by approaching women with inappropriate, misogynistic questions.

 

101 Questions for Men Cover

101 Questions for Men – Too terrified to go out and get laid, a guy poses questions about sex and beer to other guys.

 

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Down the Dark Path – Book IV – After ruining a bunch of people’s lives, a woman decides to marry a creepy old wizard. In a petty act of revenge, her boyfriends and their cohorts sneak into the wizard’s house and start breaking his stuff.

 

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The Sleepers – After a family trip to the zoo, a rich kid lets his dad talk him into genocide.

 

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Let the Bodies – A little girl counts her grandpa’s money while watching everyone else die.

 

101 Deeper Darker Cover

101 Deeper, Darker Questions for Humanity – Not content to ruin just one party, the asshole returns with the goal of depressing even the most optimistic people.

 

101 xxxy Questions Front Cover

101 Sex Questions – A sex-addict with no relationship skills breaks into normal people’s bedrooms and begs to watch them do nasty stuff.

 

  Dark Moon Daughter New Kindle CoverDark Moon Daughter – Thinking it’ll be the life change she needs, a red-headed woman dyes her hair black and starts having an affair.

 

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Nether Kingdom – Fully gothed-out, a woman wanders the countryside in search of her dad’s house. Meanwhile, a guy starts a war just so he can have a séance in a cave.

 

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444 Questions for the Universe – The party-wrecking A-hole returns, compiling a crapload of philosophical BS to annoy and frustrate his friends.

 

Machina Front Cover

Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows – A morbidly obese guy runs a day-care center, a pothead decides to get pizza, a woman starts dating the dude she murdered, an arguing couple kills in the name of train-hopping, and much, much more…

 

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I’d love to say these were all jokes and none of these descriptions are accurate.

But let’s not kid ourselves…

See you soon!

J Edward Neill

A Big ole Brainy Bundle

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Got a few guests to entertain?

Having some company in for a party?

Got a glass of wine and a warm, crackling fireplace to sit beside and fall into deep thought?

Good. I knew I could count on you.

If you’re looking to engage your intellect, go no further. Get the Coffee Table Philosophy Bundle. It’s 4 books flush with 404 questions to challenge, entertain, and arouse. Questions are focused on Life, Death, Good vs Evil, Morality, Sex, Relationships, etc.

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Get it. Devour it.

And since we’re BFF’s, I hope you’ll review it. 🙂

J Edward Neill

Movie Plots for Sarcasm Lovers

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So…

I recently bumbled and stumbled across a number of ‘honest alternative movie descriptions.’ You’ve probably seen these. They’re movies looked at from a brutally honest, non-family friendly perspective. They’re pretty funny…mostly. In case you haven’t seen any, here’s a small sample of other articles’ work:

 Home Alone – Neglectful parents go on holiday but leave their unhinged, sociopathic son at home to entertain himself, which he does by mutilating petty criminals. *

 

 Gladiator – After a successful campaign annihilating free people, a Roman warmonger (played by Hollywood warmonger Russell Crowe) is enslaved but makes the most of it by killing fellow prisoners on his quest to commit history’s most public regicide. *

 

* Courtesy of: http://www.sbs.com.au/comedy/article/2014/06/30/honest-alternative-movie-synopses (Liam Ryan)

 * * *

These were fairly funny.

But they got me thinking.

I can do this better. Or at least cruder…

Let’s go.

  * * *

J’s Alternative Movie Plots:

(Yeah, there are a few spoilers.)

MockingJay

Hunger Games – Mockingjay – Well-dressed terrorist uses a bow and arrow to promote anarchy and attempt multiple assassinations. She then succeeds at getting the first black woman president elected.

 

 Gone GirlGone Girl – Having somewhat subdued his Boston accent, a slow-witted cheating husband chases down the woman he betrayed in order to continue living a hollow, unhappy life with her.

 

 American SniperAmerican Sniper – A gifted killer travels to a faraway land to slaughter freedom fighters from a rooftop.

 

Edge of Tomorrow

Edge of Tomorrow – In a blatant remake of Groundhog Day, an asshole becomes a better man by forcing himself to relive at least two-hundred days with a stunningly beautiful woman. Meanwhile, the woman insists on using a giant sword instead of a gun.

 

Mad Max

Mad Max – Fury Road – A speech-impaired drifter helps a truck driver kidnap and endanger five women who happen to be Australia’s only hope for having normal, healthy babies.

 

The Hobbit

The Hobbit – Battle of Five Armies – A stoner gathers thirteen dwarves and a thief to burglarize their own mountain and sacrifice their lives for a cause he reveals only to tall people.

 

Maleficent

Maleficent – An angry faerie seduces an asshole and casts spells his on daughter, thereby perpetuating war between normal people and ambulant trees.

 

 WhiplashWhiplash – The guy from the Farmer’s Insurance commercials starts bodybuilding in order to intimidate young musicians. His latest target, a petulant boy who hates beautiful women, decides that the best way to impress his new teacher is to practice so hard his hands no longer function.

 

 Wolf of Wall StThe Wolf of Wall Street – A movie centered around mocking American greed is absorbed by its target audience wholly and without any sense of irony. But the parties are epic and Margot Robbie gets nude…so it’s all good.

 

Terminator Genisys

Terminator Genisys – A robot built to live thousands of years begins to age poorly after just a few decades. Is once again sent through time without any decent weapons to stop an ultimate killing machine.

 

Imitation Game

The Imitation Game – A socially inept cryptologist decides he hates people so much he’s going to help them win a war.

 

Star Wars

Star Wars – The Force Awakens – A young woman teams up with a janitor to steal a spaceship, ignite a violent insurgency, and lead a galactic hero to his death. Meanwhile, a bearded man who killed his dad plays a pointless game of hide-and-seek with the entire universe.

 

* * *

If sarcasm’s not your thing, get serious here.

If sarcasm IS your thing, you might wanna read this.

J Edward Neill

Down the Dark Path – Resurrection

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With new art comes new possibilities.

 Introducing ALL NEW cover art for the Down the Dark Path four-book series.

They’re slick. They’ve got terrifying new covers. They’re bound in feels-amazing-beneath-your fingers matte.

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3 4

Book I preserves most of the original Amanda Makepeace art, but books II, III, and IV are darker than ever.

Drown in the darkest of all dark fiction series’ today.

J Edward Neill

The Revenant Movie Review

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(Disclaimer: No major spoilers. Includes small plot revelations.)

 

Revenant: One who returns after death or a long absence

An apt name indeed.

The Revenant was a movie I knew I had to see from the first time I glimpsed its preview. A frozen wasteland. A grizzly Leo DiCaprio. An even grizzlier Tom F’n Hardy. And not to mention an actual grizzly bear. Terrible things were about to happen. Even watching the trailer, I could just feel it.

First, let me hit you with some truth. The Revenant is NOT for everyone. It’s not for kids. It’s not for teenagers. It’s not for the faint of heart. It’s not for fans of Michael Bay, Kevin Hart, superhero movies, or happy endings. It’s dark. And when I say dark, I don’t mean in a visual sense. Or a gothic, ‘look how angst-ridden the hero is’ sense. What I mean is that the subject matter gets down to the very bottom of what it is to be desperate. And human. And hungry.

The Revenant may very well be the darkest movie I’ve ever seen.

And the longer I lie here and dwell on it, the more I like it.

What we’ve got here is Leo DiCaprio as Hugh Glass, an enigmatic tracker/hunter in the service of Captain Andrew Henry (Played sharply by Domhnall Gleeson.) Also in their group are the brutal John Fitzgerald (Tom Hardy) and the young Hawk, who happens to be half-Native American (and Hugh Glass’s son.) These men find themselves on an expedition to collect and prepare hundreds of animal skins for sale, presumably to the American army.

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John Fitzgerald – Not a dude you want to F with

Without giving anything away, the whole sell-animal-skins plan goes downhill…and fast. The Native American Arikara, hostile with every right to be, get involved. A grizzly bear shows up. Tom Hardy is pissed. And death starts happening.

Let me summarize the next two and a half hours: Beautiful Violence

Because The Revenant is violent. So very violent. It’s not stylized. It’s not pretty. It’s not epic. It’s harsh. And it’s realistic. By realistic I mean it’s so visceral and unwashed that it feels like this is how real life was. It’s the opposite of The Matrix’s pretty skirmishes, Lord of the Rings’ bloodless warfare, and even Saving Private Ryan’s booming, catastrophic clashes. If I had to pick a movie to step through a door and experience in real-life, The Revenant would be last on the list. I’d be dead in seconds. And so would you.

But it’s also beautiful. So very beautiful. I fully expect this movie to take home the easiest Oscar for best cinematography ever. Not that awards matter. They don’t. What I mean is; every frame of The Revenant is poetry in motion. From the cold, sharp, deadly mountains to the frosted rivers to the snow-blanketed plains, the landscapes are stunning. I sat in my seat and felt the wind blowing over me. I saw the characters wandering beneath moonlit skies, and I was held rapt. The shots were all real. Very little CGI. The Revenant’s terrifying world is the truth. These places exist.

So what’s the point? What are these hard, hard men doing out in the middle in winter? It’s clear from frame one that some brave and foolish white men are moving through the wilderness during the last stages of the war against the Native American tribes of the American Northwest. They’re risking their asses, and they know it. But in the midst of this, Hugh Glass appears different. His son is half-Native American. He endures constant flashbacks (some of them a bit disconcerting) of his Native American wife and of the terrible things that happened to her tribe. His son, Hawk, is as noble as he is, and therein lies a problem. Fifteen minutes in, you know things are gonna go very wrong for Glass. And you know why. And how. It’s not just about racism. It’s about how some people know what honor is, and everyone else does not.

Kinda sounds like modern-day reality, right?

I suppose some people might say that the majority of the movie is a revenge/redemption trip similar to Braveheart. Or maybe a survival tale a la The Grey. I get it. And there are definitely moments in the movie that will confuse some folks. There’s not a ton of dialog. There are no one-liners. All the movie’s glory is given over to nature, not to man. Once it comes down to one dude slogging his way through the brutal wilderness, there is a slowness that will drive some movie-goers away. That’s all well and good.

But if you love movies, and you have a soul, and you’re willing to stop worrying about just simply being entertained, you’ll find something in The Revenant. It’s not just about white people fighting natives. The bad guys don’t wear capes to make themselves easy to hate. Every deed that happens here feels like it really could go down. It’s all so bloody human. When you finish watching it, sit down and ask yourself if you’d never do the things the bad guys do in this movie. If you’re honest with yourself, really honest, you’ll be conflicted.

And that’s beautiful. Because the best movies should make you think.

Look…I’m not sure whether or not The Revenant is my favorite flick over the last year. It had a few strange moments, to be sure. And sometimes it walked a tightrope of not knowing whether to be hard and cold or a little abstract in meaning. But ultimately, if you like movies about realistic human conflict, this is up there with the best of them. I recommend you go see it early in the day. Preferably on a cold, rainy day. And then, after it’s over, maybe even several hours later, I think you’ll start to like it more and more.

Just like I did.

* * *

Like this review? Hit up my reviews of Mad Max – Fury Road, Whiplash, and my personal favorite, Ex Machina.

Or, since we’re talking about seriously dark fiction, drown in my short story, Let the Bodies.

J Edward Neill

A Door Never Dreamed Of – Opened!

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A thousand years from today, nearly all of humanity is jacked-In.

We sleep, connected to machines, dreaming our lives away.

For most, it’s the perfect life.

But for the few who never jacked-In, it’s exile.  

Abandoned, persecuted, and betrayed, the Outs plot their vengeance across the centuries.

And when they open the Door, two sides will meet.

But only one will survive…

A Door Never Dreamed Of

A sci-fi novella

Now Available!

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The beautiful SOFTCOVER, featuring the stunning art of Amanda Makepeace.

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The deadly E-BOOK. Ending Kindles everywhere.

J Edward Neill

The 7 best things from 2015

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2015 was a pretty straightforward year.

It had a lot of suck: gearing up for an election, Rhonda Rousey, crappy movies, dabbing, death, war, and the continued proliferation of Facebook quizzes

But whatever.

For once in my life, I’m gonna dwell on the positive.

So eat some of this:

 * * *

The best movie(s) of 2015:

No. Not Star Wars. Ha. Not even close. The best movies of 2015 were Ex Machina, with its subtle nods toward one possible fate for humanity, aaaaaand Inside Out, among the most thought-provoking kids’ movies ever made. Please, let’s not talk about Jurassic Park (yawn) or Avengers 900. The year was short on excellence, but had high moments that might never be forgotten. Also considered for this list: The Revenant (technically didn’t hit theaters in time) and Mad Max – Fury Road (aka: the best action movie ever made.)

Machina

Ex Machina. Wasn’t really a hard decision.

 

The best book of 2015:

Whoa. Intimidating choices here. Admittedly I read less than any previous year since grade school (was too busy writing.) Nonetheless, with attention spans decreasing and the glut of vampire/romance/vomit thundering down upon the world, I’ve an answer for you. It’s Neil Gaiman’s Trigger Warning. It’s a bunch of slick short stories. It’s perfect for those who like quick reads, but who also like sharp, dark, excellent literature.

Trigger Warning

The best album of 2015:

Look. I get it. I know what you’re gonna say. You’re gonna talk about Drake, Adele, The Weeknd, or a bunch of other stuff with words. My full confession is that I can’t stand music with words. It really has all been said before. The sounds are what’s new, not the words. So with that in mind, I’m giving you an album you can actually use. It’s Junkie XL’s Mad Max soundtrack. Just blast this shit while driving and tell me it isn’t extreme fun. What’s better: no words. None. Just booming, thundering, 1,000 horsepower beats. Even my kid loves it, especially the unbelievably intense track – Brothers in Arms.

Max

The rhythms ARE the words.

The best meme of 2015:

Yep. Memes. They suck. They’re supposed to be miniature joke bombs to lighten everyone the F up. But nowadays they’re abused for politics, bullying, and stupid, never-ending inside jokes. So instead of sifting through the trash and finding something transcendent, I give you:

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The best TV shows of 2015:

Look. I’ve a confession. I didn’t watch a single minute of anything not named football, baseball, basketball or hockey. Not a single, f’ing minute. So I’m leaving this one to you, the readers. What were your favorite TV shows? Because hell if I know. Just insert your show here __________________. I’ll trust your judgment.

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Jake Arrieta. What real reality TV looks like.

Most beautiful woman of 2015:

I know said I didn’t watch any TV in 2015. It’s still true. But I did catch a preview or two, and it got me thinking. Who’s this year’s new hotness? Who the F really cares? But since I made this a category, we’re going with that girl from that new show. I’m talking about Krysten Ritter. Followed closely by Rosie Huntington Whiteley. Yeah. I know. Rosie’s another nod to Mad Max. Shut up. 🙂 Anyway, Krysten really is stunning. Just look at her sulking here. If you can sulk and still be attractive, you’ve done something. Also a close runner up: Jan from the Toyota commercials. No kidding.

Krysten

Really? Right here on the train? Ok, girl from that show. If you insist.

Most handsome guy of 2015:

Who the F cares?

🙂

 

* * *

This got really sarcastic, really quickly.

Cut the sarcasm out of your life with some deadly serious fun. Right here.

J Edward Neill

J Edward’s premier dark art sale

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 Finally…

At long last…

My paintings are for sale at Society6.

If you’re into my dark art, and you know you are 🙂, click the pics below to get your very own art print or canvas reproduction:

 

Ghost Tree2

Ghost Tree

 

Spiritfall

Spiritfall

The Underhollows

The Underhollows

Ocean 6

Ocean of Knives

Grave Rain

Grave Rain (Cover art for the short story – Let the Bodies)

Pale Swamp

Pale Swamp

The-Abyss-300x237

The Abyss

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Black Moon Rising

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Falling In

Enjoy,

J Edward Neill