Ideas and (the lack of) Time

By Amanda Makepeace art, creativity, life

We’ve probably all wished at some point in our lives for a double of ourselves, to help us with our mounting To-Do list or just to be in two places at one time. There never seems to be enough time for everything. I’m continually blessed and plagued by ideas that I then have to prioritize. Do I have time for this? Is this more an experiment or is it part of my main vision? Sometimes side projects get put on hold, because I have to feed my soul and creative vision. That vision is the core idea of what I’ve been moving towards over the last ten years and it’s the heart of my art. Regardless, I’m still pulled toward these other ideas. Sometimes I jot them down in my sketchbook of ideas and that’s end of it. I can always return to them later. While others I start and then push to the side, hoping I can return to them later. Here are a few…

The Mystics

Yes, the steampunk fox everyone adores is part of a series of paintings. The Mystics are a fictional council, tasked with protecting the animal kingdom from human encroachment. I still want to continue with this series. I even have the fourth member sketched out, but… Time…

Rings of Magic

These are the pencil drawings for two of four small paintings I have planned. I even have the frames for these. Each ring has a story and a power someone has abused.

The White Crow

Remember these from Inktober 2015?! I said I was going to publish a book titled The White Crow. I’m still planning to publish this book. I promise.

I wouldn’t mind having a clone of myself–one connected to myself, so I was conscious of everything happening and also part of the decision making process. Science fiction, I know…

www.amandamakepeace.com

Run and Jump, Never Slowing Down

By John McGuire life

Not one person hasn’t experienced a moment in their life where they didn’t have a near miss, close call, “there but for the grace of God go I”. Instead we want to place the blame immediately, thinking ourselves to be all-knowing, all-correct in our assessment of whatever situation. Through all of it we forget all the previous times we escaped some kind of disaster.

It would be baffling if I didn’t read about it once a week. And whether it is a kid falling into a zoo exhibit or falling off the jungle gym there are always those people who KNOW BETTER. The same people who effectively say “it wouldn’t have gone down like that” when they have no idea.

Look, I’m not saying I know any better either. But I just think these people must have the shortest memories of all time. They are like the guy from Memento who can only remember a few minutes of his life at a time and everything else just disappears into the ether. All those bits of stupid they just fail to remember not only that they did them, but that they escaped something horrific.

Some of the stupid I’ve been connected to:

The biggest one I’ve done a whole post on, but it probably goes down as the single dumbest moment I’ve ever had. And even though it makes for a good story now – if my passengers had meant me any harm I might not be writing this post right now. Check it out, my dumbest moment.

***

It was a funeral for a relative, and at some point a 12 or 13 year old version of me was supposed to watch my 2 year old brother. So we went out back to the pool to dangle our (his) feet in the water. Somewhere in this process it turned into him trying to get up, slipping, and falling into the deep end of the pool. Not because I wasn’t watching him, but because he’s a 2 YEAR OLD and shit happens. I jumped in, suit and tie and all, grabbed him up and while there was a little crying – everyone was good afterwards.

***

My parents live in the backwoods of Virginia just outside of Richmond. They have a long dirt/rock driveway which connects them to the main street where larger trucks are certainly known to travel down from time to time. My nephew (another 2 year old) decides while in view of multiple adults who are outside as well, that it would be an excellent idea to take off down the driveway towards this street.

Now to hear my mom tell the story it was a case of the old 1 second he’s there beside you and the next he’s running. And now all the adults are either running or yelling or both because there is a truck coming…

Luckily adults have much longer legs than a 2 year old and they scooped him up well before something terrible could happen.

***

I was probably 5 years old when I wandered outside and saw my grandfather’s car set up on some kind of blocks. Noticing the driver’s side door was open, I climbed in and started to play every kid’s favorite game “I’m driving!” I start to twist the wheel a little back and forth, making car noises with my mouth. And then I decide to shift gears (even though it is an automatic). Giving it a little force, I click it into reverse and suddenly… I AM driving! Or more to the point the car is rolling off the blocks backward.

What I didn’t know was that my grandfather was UNDER the car working on it. Had the car rolled the other way (as in, had I somehow put it into DRIVE instead of REVERSE, he’d been crushed).

***

When I was 4 or 5 I was playing in the parking lot of our apartment complex with one of the neighbor kids. Probably some kind of “chasing” game. At the same time, one of the other neighbors was working on his car/truck and left a bottle of cleaner out (I think he walked back inside to fetch something. Of course, my friend saw the bottle and decided that it was his laser gun and he should shoot me. Spraying me with what he thought was water right into my eyes… hours later and a trip to the emergency room where they flushed my eyes repetitively, I emerged unscathed (I do wear contacts/glasses, but that is genetic).

But what if he hadn’t diluted his cleaner? What if the kid’s aim was a little better and put a more concentrated dose in my eyes.

***

There’s an old saying “Better lucky than good” which I think holds for all of us. But nobody hsould pat themselves on the back for just being lucky.

One second. That’s it. One second to have something go wrong. The universe gets in the way for one second.

Just be thankful. Just be thankful for all those “seconds”.

***

John McGuire

John McGuire is the author of the supernatural thriller The Dark That Follows, the steampunk comic The Gilded Age, and the novella There’s Something About Mac through the Amazon Kindle Worlds program.

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!

And has two shorts in the Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows anthology! Check it out!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

Humanity, and the loss thereof

By J Edward Neill life

Sometimes I’m grateful I don’t watch television.

Life is usually better on the days I don’t listen to the radio, chat about the latest news, or accidentally overhear someone running their mouth about politics.

And when I say ‘sometimes,‘ I’m referring to always. I avoid the media like the plague. Because let’s face it; the 5 ‘o clock news doesn’t make anyone happy. No matter how many splashy stories about puppies and charities they run, CNN, Fox, and all the other outlets are little more than a mushy stew of sadness, conflict, and death. Every day. Every night. Always.

I don’t know why anyone watches it.

…

So…the Orlando shooting just happened, and it’s about as bad as it gets.

People keep asking me what I think about it. I guess I really don’t know. I’m speechless, sort of. For as long as I’ve been writing, I’ve never really been tempted to talk about any specific world event. People get enough misery already, I figure. When something awful happens, like yet another mass shooting, what can little me add to the dialogue? Another opinion? Opinions are pretty much the weakest ventilation of human dialogue. And odds are, whatever crappy thing just happened probably took place because of…you know…opinions.

But tonight I have an observation:

When something bad like this happens, as in really bad, here’s how it goes: At some point early in the discussion, someone will ask, “Why? Why did this have to happen? What could we have done to stop it?”

And meanwhile, another question, infinitely more insidious, will creep up behind us and ask, “When will it happen again?”

Why?

How?

When?

No one has the answers. No. One. I certainly have none. I want to, but I don’t. A crap-ton of people on the internet (with the aforementioned opinions) will tell you they have the answers, but they don’t, either. Everyone starts screaming when dark stuff happens. They’ll talk about more guns, fewer guns, walls, immigrants, religion, hate, tolerance, and everything in-between. It’s the same conversation every time. We ask why, and even though deep down none of us know the answer, we talk like we do.

And it sucks.

Truth is: it’s a treacherous place outside our doors (and often inside them, too.) Having answers to the question of ‘why do assholes kill people’ won’t make our lives any safer. It won’t. I’m sorry. And that’s not to say we should all be afraid all the time or limit our excursions into the wide-wide world. But just that we should expect, at some point, for reality to burn us. Because apparently the world is full of crazy people. It feels like they’re everywhere. And maybe they are.

So with all that said, I guess I have one lonely little piece of advice to give everyone:

Stop trying to make sense of horrific things.

It’s an almost automatic response, right? Mass murder happens, people die, buildings explode, and we all want to know why. We ask the question a million times. Our Facebook feeds erupt with countless sentiments, most of them followed up by the admission that we don’t have any clue how something so terrible could happen.

Everyone wants answers.

Almost no one will ever find them.

And even if we did understand why someone did something horrible, so what?

Unless it stops the next horrible thing from happening, it doesn’t matter. Does it?

Now let’s be clear. I’m not suggesting inaction. I’m not saying we shouldn’t try to get to the root of this deadly problem and wipe it out. Of course we should. And while maybe the cynic within me says we’ll never, ever stop the pattern of mass murders and dangerous ideologies, we still have to give it a go. Right?

It’s just that, having seen and heard about all these horrible things happening over and over again, I’m not sure asking why is the right question anymore. I’m not sure there’s a real, tangible reason why some people choose to do awful things. I’m not convinced a mass murderer’s thought process is something we’ll ever really be able to understand. We call these people crazy for a reason. The definition of crazy – mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way. You see what I’m saying? Killers, fanatics, and psychopaths can’t be reasoned with. They’re like little Terminators. Somehow, someway, they’ve been reprogrammed (or they reprogrammed themselves) to cause the rest of us pain and suffering…and enjoy it.

Why do they do it?

I don’t think we’ll ever know. And even if we did, I’m not sure we could use that information to stop them.

How do we stop this from ever happening again?

I don’t know that we can. I’m eager to try. But for the moment, I have no answers. I don’t know why. I don’t know how. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to try something else other than asking questions. Trouble is, I don’t know what that something else is.

I guess what I’m saying is…

It’s hard sometimes being human.

Often, to find some small contentment in this world also means the acceptance of our own powerlessness.

Which sucks sometimes. A lot. Especially on days like this.

J Edward Neill

Author of the Coffee Table Philosophy series

There are no rules…

By J Edward Neill art, life, writing

Hi everyone,

We’ve got something interesting for those of you who are artists, writers, poets, and bloggers.

Dylan Kinnett, the head honcho over at Infinity’s Kitchen, just sent out a call for submissions. He’s teamed up with Ink Press Productions to bring you more off-the-grid artistic work. And we at Tessera Guild couldn’t help but support the cause.

Infinity’s Kitchen is a publication specializing in experimental literary material. What does that mean exactly? Well…it’s got off-beat poetry, digital-age wordplay, word squares, and interesting pop art. And more. It’s not what most of you are used to. And that’s what makes it cool.

In particular, the latest submission call (Active until June 17th) seeks anything artists and writers do in multiples. Like a series of images, a group of similar poems, a line of same-thought process Tweets, or short stories in the same setting. And these are just a few examples. The most interesting part of Infinity’s Kitchen is that there are no rules. If it’s cool, if it’s mind-bending, if it’s engaging, that’s what’s cooking.

Here’s the official submission sheet:

And here’s the scoop:

Infinity’s Kitchen & Ink Press Productions are coming together to ask: What belongs on the internet? Send us your content and we’ll make it a book.

WHAT IS IT?
tweets / screenshots / commentary / instructions / recipes / maps / memes / clickbait / spam / lists / calendars / emails / embarrassing evidence / tattoos / whatever, it’s your content/
Submissions for the latest issue: open May 1–June 17
Send your submissions to:

inkpressproductions@gmail.com

I know I’ll be submitting.

Will you?

J Edward Neill

Choose Your Own Afterlife

By J Edward Neill Dark Humor, life

In pretty much all my non-fiction work, I like to touch on the subject of the afterlife. Not in a morbid way. More of a ‘let’s think outside the box’ way.

It’s a topic I prefer to engage with questions rather than statements. After all, no one really knows what happens after death. Some people will tell you they do, but they don’t. Not even a little. Heaven, hell, reincarnation, utter destruction…all perhaps possible, but none even a little bit objectively provable. The realm of the afterlife is just another part of the human experience in which beliefs, no matter how closely held to the heart, can’t hold up the truth. And the truth is: we don’t know a damn thing about it.

“Shit. I’m either about to be sucked up into heaven…or the aliens from Independence Day have just targeted my ass.”

Especially in this little book right here, I love to ask people to talk about their belief systems. ‘Is there an afterlife?’ I ask. ‘If so, what’s it probably like?’ ‘If there isn’t, is everything we do pointless?‘ The conversation usually goes one of two ways. People either cite religion, which I confess gets pretty boring, or they admit they don’t know, and that’s when things get interesting. In asking these questions and getting people’s answers, one can learn a ton about what makes humanity tick. Because the afterlife discussion is all hopes and fears. It’s unknowable. It’s raw. ‘What if it’s awesome?’ we wonder. ‘What if it doesn’t exist?‘ we worry. ‘Or what if it’s absolutely horrific?‘ we tremble.

But after all the ‘I know’ or ‘I don’t knows,’ I like to take the conversation somewhere fun. I mean…since no one has a clue about the afterlife, why not enjoy the discussion?

And so the question becomes:

“If the afterlife were whatever you want it to be, what would it be?”

Now, perhaps through some crazy quantum mechanics, it’s possible in the afterlife (if there is one) we actually do get to decide what it’s like. Probably not, but you never know. I guess what I’m saying is…let’s run with that. Let’s embrace ‘I don’t know.’ Let’s forget about our preconceived notions. Let’s talk less about what we believe the afterlife is like, and let’s talk about what we want it to be like.

And I’m serious.

I want to know your answers.

Here’s the exercise:

You’re sitting before a blank sheet of paper. You’ve got a pen, and you’ve got all the time in the world. Your belief system, your religion (or lack thereof,) and your scientific knowledge have all fallen out the window.

What do you want to happen after you die?

Nothing? Just wanna nap forever?

Do you want to be alone? Or can other people join your afterlife beach party?

Want a heaven? Sitting on a cloud, eating chocolate, soaking up starlight for all eternity?

A more specific heaven? As in, you’re some kind of spirit worshipping a deity in the ether? Cool. Tell us about this deity. How do you battle the boredom?

If you want heaven, do you punish ‘bad’ people with some kind of hell? If so, what’s the hell like? Who exactly goes there? Go ahead. Set the rules.

No heaven or hell? Ok. You’d prefer to join the world-building spirit army who runs the universe behind the curtain? You want to be part of the machine beneath it all? Cool. What’s your plan for the next 500,000,000 years or so?

Or maybe reincarnation? You want another shot or ten at earthbound life? As an animal? A human again? Does this process repeat itself indefinitely?

Or maybe you’d like to be a ghost? A spirit wandering the ethereal plane, watching over humanity, helping people out when you can?

Or maybe you have a darker vision. You want to F with things. You wouldn’t mind being a naughty ghost, a boogey man under the bed, or even some kind of demon.

Happy cloud paradise? Or inbound ethereal storm from the nether world?

You see where I’m going?

French scholar and philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre once posited that since we don’t really know much about the why and how of our reality, we’re free to create our own. It’s a bit idealistic, but perhaps he’s got a point. Just make stuff up and roll with it. Since we might never know the truth, it might be fine just to imagine everything.

Sounds fun, right?

Try it, and share your answers with the world.

J Edward Neill

Asker of too many questions

Author of Matrix-like sci-fi

Searching for the Nothing

By J Edward Neill life

First, to set the tone, a few pictures:

And now, words:

Look, before we get started, there’s something you should know. I’m not depressed. In a world where everyone I know has anxiety, clinical depression, bipolar disorder, or just simply dry, cold malaise, I am free. I have no sadness, no anger. Nothing makes me nervous. I’m not on any medications and never have been. My senses are sharp, my mind the razor I need it to be.

Even so…

A while back I wrote about longing for rain. It reflected my status as an official lifelong wanderer. But this isn’t that, not quite. This is something else. Something deeper.

Last week a friend looked me in the eyes and said, “There’s no hope for you.”

And she meant it.

Now, she didn’t mean it in a cruel sense. She said it as if it were as real as gravity, as if everyone on the planet knew it the same as they know the sun comes up every morning. At first I brushed it off like I brush everything off. There’s not a bird in the world with feathers as oiled as mine. And yet, many days later, a part of me remembered what she’d said. And I thought about it. And I put some music on in the background. And I sat on my patio with the rain pounding the earth.

And I wondered whether she was right.

As an aside, the rain just started to fall. Just now. I opened up my windows. It’s pretty much the best sensation in the world. You should try it sometime.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh. Hope, and not relying on it. You see, I have this theory. It’s not really mine, but I claim it all the same. Hope is a mistake, it goes. Sounds depressing, right? It’s not. Not even a little. It’s simply a notion that hoping for something isn’t the same as moving toward it. That wanting something isn’t enough. That in order to earn your trophy in this life, you have to open your claws and snatch it from the void. And no, it doesn’t matter whether this existence has any meaning, any grand purpose. It’s what we have. It’s ALL we have. You either snare it by the throat, or you wash away with the flood.

So why did what this girl said matter to me? Why, when nothing else registers, did I keep it on my mind? I’m not sure. But what I do know is that it reminded me of something I hadn’t felt in ages. And when I say ages, I mean decades. Because you see, there was this dream. I used to have it nightly, like seriously every night, for years. I must’ve wandered through it a thousand times. And later, when the dream stopped, I daydreamed it. I’d take walks in the woods and dwell on it. I’d be in the middle of conversations with friends, and it’d steal my mind away. (Sorry, friends. You deserve better.)

The dream went a little something like this:

I’m the only person on Earth. Not the last person, but the only one who ever lived here. It’s raining. It’s twilight, and I can see the sun smoldering behind the storm clouds. I’m walking on a street between buildings that don’t exist. No one built this street; it’s just there. And then I’m walking on a shore beneath impossibly bright stars. And then I’m driving at night through a city no one lives in. No one made my car. It’s just there. After all of this, I take a journey. Down the street, across the ocean shore, toward a nameless place in my car. I travel into oblivion. I wander into nothing.

And I love it. Utterly.

I suppose some people might call it a nightmare. The loneliness of it all, the shadowed atmosphere, the destination of nothingness. Nah. It’s not a nightmare. It’s just a feeling that I, and I bet most people alive, carry with us. You want something, only you don’t know what it is or where to find it. I say want. I mean need. We need to find this nameless thing, whatever it is, and yet there’s no way to catch it. There’s nothing. It’s like a video game quest for which there’s no solution. I mean, just imagine you’re playing The Legend of Zelda, but instead of needing to find eight pieces of Triforce, you need to find infinite pieces. You’ll play the game your whole life, but you still won’t know what you’re looking for.

If I’ve lost you, I’m sorry. I’m deep in my cups. And there’s a chocolate cupcake on the counter, waiting for me to finish this article.

In ‘longing for rain,’ I talk about how people spend their lives searching for a place, a moment, or a state of mind. It’s an ideal, so to speak, of where we want our lives to go. We know in our hearts what or where it is, and we gravitate toward it. But this is different. Maybe you know what I’m talking about. I hope you do. If you’re like me, you’ve dreamed of a place that doesn’t exist, but you still want to go there. You’ve constructed a small hope in the back of your mind, and yet you’re without a means to fulfill it. Even so, you want it. A part of you thinks you can get it. Maybe you can. But wait…no you can’t. Because you can’t catch nothing. You can only catch something.

Am I making any sense?

…

J Edward Neill

Author of deep, dark thoughts.

And of extreme human dilemmas.

When Fandom Attacks

By John McGuire life

I want to start with the simplest of questions:

At what point is the “Thing” no longer your “Thing”?

Not this Thing… well actually, maybe this Thing

Fandom has reached the point where the next generation has caught up. They are already exerting pressure on the accepted way “things are”. When do we relax our grip on it and let someone else insert their own views/ideas/stories?

***

Did you know that eye-witness account only go so far with the police? The thought is if you asked six different people, who saw the same crime being committed, to describe it you’d come away with six slightly different versions of the same event. Sure, the big things would be the same, but the minor details – maybe something as simple as the color of a shirt would differ.

Why is that? They all saw the same thing. Why isn’t there a consensus on what happened?

***

We are all colored by every little thing we’ve experienced in our lives. Both obvious and not so obvious. Which means everything we consume gets put through a particular unique filter. Hence why we can all love a movie/show/book/album/piece of art, but not love the exact same particulars. It means we are shaped again and again so that those minor differences really become the most important things.

***

However, there is always a place we agree – the crime was that he broke into the car. Whether that was with his arm, a tire iron, crowbar, rock, or whatever.

Yet, on a long enough timeline those things are bound to blur.

***

Comics, books, movies, tv shows…

Fandom.

This new generation has absorbed what they thought important and focused on that. This pisses other fans off. The more the version deviates from the “CORE” things/values/ideas… the more we rebel. The more we are likely to exclaim, “That’s not this thing that I love!”

The scary piece is we probably are both correct and both flat out wrong about the piece of fandom. As the time ticks by there may be less and less opportunity to say “This isn’t right” and move towards “This isn’t my preferred version”.

Take the Hobbit movies. I personally really like them. Could watch them over and over (and do every time I see the Smaug scene is about to start).

I hated the book (and wrote about that very thing here). One could make the argument that I am literally the last person who should provide an opinion on that piece of literature or anything which might be derived from its pages.

And yet…

***

Batman V Superman

Batman doesn’t use guns.

But he does in the Burton movie. His Batwing is firing them directly at the Joker.

Superman doesn’t kill.

But he has… maybe the better thing to say is that Superman tries extremely hard to not take a life.

Because it isn’t never.

Here’s the thing, there is a group of fans who are absorbing these new movies and deciding what the hero does or does not do. They’ve seen the love story in the Hobbit and embrace that as now a proper part of the legend. They realize that Superman will kill as a last resort. Batman could use a gun.

These are the New Truths. Should we rage against them? Should we fight the good fight? Or should we possibly take a step back and reevaluate why we hold our particular truths so sacred.

Maybe we could just roll with these new punches?

***

On a long enough timeline, the details begin to blur. Will these stories end up a part of some elaborate telephone game where eventually the only thing which remains is Superman has an “S” on his chest? That Smaug is the dragon they are going to kill?

Maybe that’s why we’re gripping so hard right now?

***

John McGuire

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!

And has two shorts in the Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows anthology! Check it out!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

Co-Author Throwdown – J & Jaylene’s Favorite Things

By J Edward Neill books, humor, interview, life

Today at Tessera Guild, authors J Edward Neill and Jaylene Jacobus go head-to-head in their first ever e-interview.

Unlike most of our super friendly interviews, this one got a little colorful. 🙂

The blow-by-blow is right…here:

* * *

J EDWARD NEILL: Today’s creative interview is with Seattle author Jaylene Jacobus. Hello Jaylene, and welcome to Tessera!

JAYLENE JACOBUS: Hi J! It’s great to join you here.

J: You just published your debut novel, The Midnight Circle. Tell us about it.

JAYLENE: Hold up, J. I thought we were being interviewed. As in, you and me. Together. Cowriters. Partners in crime. East Coast Hustler and West Coast Enchantress. Internet besties.

J: Nope. None of that. I’m interviewing you.

JAYLENE: Why do you get to ask all the questions?

J: Because I’m good at it. It’s my thing.

JAYLENE: True statement! I love all your Coffee Table Philosophy books. You’ve written hundreds of thought-provoking questions, which makes you inquisitive, analytical, and investigative. But when you ask all the questions all the time, you become…

J: What?

JAYLENE: An askhole. 🙁

J: An askhole? 🙂

JAYLENE: Fear not. I’m good at asking questions, too. And I’ve softened your image. You know, with that book we wrote together.

J: 101 Questions for Single People! That was a lot of fun. Let me just say that writing a book for singles kept my image fully intact. I’m all about dating…as many women as possible. At once.

JAYLENE: Good times, indeed! But I wasn’t referring to that book. I was referring to our other book. 101 Questions for Couples! I’m all about romance and true love. Together forever.

J: In all honesty, I enjoyed writing about couples. Almost as much as writing about singles.

JAYLENE: And I enjoyed writing about singles. Almost as much as writing about couples.

J: One thing’s for sure. They were both a blast to write.

JAYLENE: The funny thing about both books is that our readers can’t always figure out which questions I wrote versus which questions you wrote. I can see why. We’re practically the same person. Except I’m the girl version of you.

J: Wait. Wouldn’t that make us opposites?

JAYLENE: Potato, Potahto. Tomato, tomahto. Let’s prove how similar we really are.

J: Or dissimilar. How?

JAYLENE: By answering questions about…

A FEW OF OUR FAVORITE THINGS

1) INDOOR HOBBY

J: Sex

JAYLENE: Reading. But I read this. So we’re one for one.

2) SUPERHERO

JAYLENE: Captain America. He’s the quintessential hero.

J: Yawn. Don’t like ’em.

3) VILLAIN

J: Dracula

JAYLENE: Dracula!

4) DINNER

J: Steak and potatoes

JAYLENE: Tofu and kale

5) WEATHER

J: Cold rain on a warm evening. Such that the steam rises from the still-warm grass.

JAYLENE: Cold rain on a humid day. Such that perfumed steam rises from still-warm magnolias.

6) SPORT

J: Baseball

JAYLENE: Ballet

7) NEO-NOIR PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER

J: Se7en

JAYLENE: We’re Se7en for Se7en!

8) BROADWAY MUSICAL

J: None of them

JAYLENE: All of them

9) TV SHOW

J: Nada

JAYLENE: None

10) COLOR

J: Black

JAYLENE: White

11) ADVENTURE NOVEL

JAYLENE: The Count of Monte Cristo

J: The Count of Monte Cristo

12) SEASON

JAYLENE: Winter

J: Summer

13) HOLIDAY

J: Halloween

JAYLENE: Halloween!

14) OUTDOOR HOBBY

J: Running, alone, in the wilderness

JAYLENE: Walking, in good company, through the forest

15) POET

JAYLENE: Edgar Allan Poe

J: Poe

16) SPORTS TEAM

J: Chicago Cubs

JAYLENE: Whoever the Seattle team is

17) BAND

J: Danzig

JAYLENE: Danzig!

18) ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE

J: Balvenie 17 Doublewood with a single oversized ice cube

JAYLENE: Probably what J said. But I don’t drink, so I don’t know.

19) ROMANTIC COMEDY

JAYLENE: Breakfast at Tiffany’s

J: Terminator

20) FINAL QUESTION. THE GLASS: HALF-EMPTY OR HALF-FULL?

J: There is no glass; therefore it’s neither half-empty nor half-full.

JAYLENE: There is no half; therefore my glass is always brimming full.

JAYLENE: Well, J, I think we just proved how similar we are.

J: Actually, Jaylene, I think we just proved how dissimilar we are. Half of our answers didn’t match.

JAYLENE: Which means half of our answers did match. But weren’t you listening to me? There is no half, and if you don’t have a glass, take mine. It’s brimming full with Balvenie 17 Doublewood.

J: I’ll drink to that…

JAYLENE: Ok, J. The party’s over. Let’s get back to work. We have more books to write. Together and singularly. Rumor has it, you’re plotting to end the world…

J: And rumor has it, you’re plotting to save it.

JAYLENE: In other words, we make a great team.

J: I’ll drink to that as well…

* * *

Fin

The Loss of Things

By J Edward Neill life

No talk of books today.

No new treacherously dark paintings.

And no extreme sarcasm.

I promise.

Today I summon you, internet, to be my catharsis. To hear my wailing. To soak up my rare bout of sorrow and listen to the tale of how I lost (gave away) my house. And to know why I’ll probably always be a little bummed about it.

So…

It all began in April 2014. After a few months of shoebox apartment life, I got it in my head to buy a house for me and my son (The G Man) to live in. And it wouldn’t do to just be any house. It had to be a new house in a part of town I’d always wanted to live in. Suburban, but not quite rural. Near the lake, but not on it. I wasn’t gonna compromise, not on this. I wanted what I wanted.

I was deadly serious.

Within a week of deciding, I gathered my funds, secured an agent, and started the long journey of building my future home. It wasn’t painless, by any stretch of the imagination. My lender put me through systematic torture, requiring an endless stream of documentation and re-documentation. My spotless credit and financial reserves didn’t really matter. If I wanted the bank to invest in my house, in me, I had to suffer through their endless inquiries with a smile. Anyone who’s ever bought property knows what I’m talking about. You play the bank’s game, or you walk.

And so I played.

Hard.

Because I wanted it that badly.

In June, they broke ground on a small piece of land in Sugar Hill, GA. Mine was to be the first house erected in the cul-de-sac, which meant I knew from the beginning the first several months of my living there would be to the tune of other houses being hammered into place. That was fine. The prospects of noise, nail guns, and concrete trucks didn’t bother me. Like I said, I wanted what I wanted.

Yep. There it was. This pic is from the first time I took the G Man to see our house-in-the-works. We explored the skeletal insides, stomped through the surrounding woods, and tracked mud all over the place. Despite my usual self, I allowed myself to feel just a little bit excited. Not everyone is lucky enough to build their own home. I knew that, and I still know it now. When the G Man and I glimpsed the epic-huge living room, the giant shower, and the grill-tastic backyard, we hi-fived each other. This is gonna kick ass, we knew. We’ll live here for F’n ever.

Weeks went by.

They felt like years.

Neighbors’ houses started to spring up, and while theirs had all kinds of problems (floods, cracked concrete, crappy grading) our house suffered no delays. Even so, it was a hard wait. Every day of waiting for the builders to finish and the bank to sign the final paperwork was a small eternity.

And then, on August 1st, 2014, the moment of glory was at hand.

Finished. Day one.

The G Man and I moved from our humble little 700 square foot apartment into our new home, which felt like a mansion. We didn’t have much stuff, which was fine. The big, open spaces were perfect for us. All we needed was our grill, our bean-bag chairs, and some sunshine.

Within a few months, we’d made ourselves perfectly at home:

Our living room. Complete with swords on the walls and a giant tapestry.

The painting room. With perfect sunlight in the morning and perfect gloom in the evenings.

Our writing and gaming room. In other words, our Heaven.

From that moment, we were in love. Weekends formerly spent cramped in a shoebox were suddenly glorious events that never seemed to end. We watched movies at top volume. We cranked up our guitars…and no one complained. We grilled all day and sometimes all night. We met our neighbors and we loved them. Somehow, after all the turmoil of the previous years, the G Man and I had found our sanctuary.

A year went by, and I can honestly say it was among the best years of my life. You see, when you have a place you can call home, a place you know and love, the rest of the world’s troubles begin to fade away. A hard day’s stressful work can be overcome with just two steps into your home. A rainy afternoon becomes a reason to open the curtains and watch the dark clouds stream by. A frigid winter’s eve is just an excuse to roast some marshmallows and curl up on the couch with hot cocoa in hand.

I slept better than ever.

The G Man sprinted to our door ever single time he came over.

We swam an entire summer away in the neighborhood pool.

It was a good time.

And yet…

Like all good times…

It ended too soon.

After about eighteen months in lovely little Sugar Hill, several hard truths hit me:

Living so far from the city, I was driving at least two and a half hours every day.

Property taxes were rocketing skyward

HOA fees and insurance were gobbling all my savings.

And as an extreme extrovert, dating and making new friends in ‘burbs was no picnic. Actually, it was almost impossible.

Now, to be clear, I still loved my house. I mean…really loved it. But as the months rolled by, I was spending not nearly enough time there. If I wanted to do anything (shop, dine out, go on a date) it was a two-hour driving commitment. Harder yet, the town of Sugar Hill was growing fast, meaning taxes were tending toward the absurd. Road projects sprang up all over the place, adding insidious delays to my commute. And with the neighborhood filling up, swimming in the pool became like swimming in a bathtub with seven-hundred toddlers.

The struggle was real.

And my savings, hard built over the last ten years, were dwindling.

Now, as an aside, I feel the need to disclaim that I’m not a materialist. Things and possessions are not what makes life good. Moreover, I realize my good fortune in being able to build a house. How many people get to do that in life? Not many, I wager. As long as I live, I’ll never overlook the fact that I’ve been damn lucky, and that most of my struggles are what you’d call first world problems.

Even so…

In February 2016, when I made the decision to put our house on the market, it was the hardest thing I’d ever done. Harder than taking ten years to write a book. Harder than divorce. Harder than anything. It felt like a betrayal of all I’d worked for. It felt like pulling the rug out from under the G Man. It felt a little…like death.

It sucked.

And sitting in the lawyer’s office, signing papers that would release my house to someone else (she was a nice lady, at least) I felt the only real thing I’d ever wanted for myself slipping away. Sure, it refilled my coffers somewhat. And sure, my daily driving would go from 150 minutes down to 25 minutes. But I knew at that moment I’d probably never again fire up my grill while surrounded by trees I’d planted. I’d never stand in the moonlight filtering through my windows and paint fearsome art. I’d never sit in my writing chair, windows open to the owls and crickets, and write in the starlight. I mean…I might do all these things again someday, but not in the same context. Not in that exact moonlight. Not with the same owls and crickets. And most importantly, not with the same sense of peace washing over me.

I say never.

But even as I’m writing this, even as I hurt with the subtle pangs of losing my house, I’m plotting.

I’ll find someplace new. It may be smaller and closer to the clamor of the city, but I’ll find it.

It just won’t be the same.

Thanks, house in Sugar Hill. I’ll always remember ya.

* * *

J Edward Neill

Hard, dark author and painter of deep shadows (most of the time)

Why I don’t write negative reviews.

By J Edward Neill art, books, film, humor, life

People who know me will say I’m cynical.

They’ll note my lack of optimism, my occasional indifference, and my somewhat dark view of humanity’s intentions. These observations are completely my fault. I’ve worked a bit too hard to earn a ‘cold’ reputation, and now I’ve got to live with it.

But…

Despite this image I’ve cultivated, there are traits neither my friends nor foes will ever observe in me. Things like anger, entitlement, a sense of vengeance, or a tendency to be judgmental. I’ve my share of failings, but these are not among them. I lack the genetic disposition to hate, to scorn, and to demand retribution. I just can’t do it. It’s not in me.

I will never be this guy.

So…

Like any American, I buy my share of stuff. Some of it is awesome stuff, like my writing chair, my epic-level pancake griddle, and the billion books I’ve collected for my son. Likewise, some of my stuff sucks. Like the patio umbrella I bought that rotted within a month or the DVD copy of Devil’s Advocate which turned out to be a blank CD (serves me right for getting excited about a $0.99 DVD.) In each of these cases, I spent money. Hard-earned money. And in each case I took my new possession home and installed it into my life.

But…

No matter whether my purchase turned out amazing or shitty, I didn’t let it affect my emotional state. Meaning; my pancakes were amazing, but not life-altering. My writing chair is so very comfy, but I don’t plan on living in it. And my Devil’s Advocate DVD is…well…still blank. I figure, no matter how great or terrible my purchases are, it’s not worth getting ecstatic or depressed about stuff. Because it’s just stuff, right? So even when my umbrella fell to pieces and my Xbox told me to F off when I slid Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron inside, I didn’t get pissed. I didn’t rush to the complaint dept. And I definitely did not write any scathing reviews.

Ok.

There was one exception.

It’s story time.

Very recently, I moved. It wasn’t a fun move. I had to leave a dream home I loved for a third-story apartment in a complex with about two-square feet total of green-space. It took two weeks to complete the move. It sucked. Hell, it still sucks. But the worst part was my experience with a not-to-be-named moving company. Two guys showed up to help me carry all my aforementioned stuff out of my beloved house and into a cramped, third-story shoebox. And to be honest, these guys sucked worse than leaving my dream home. One of them quit in the middle of his shift. I’m serious. He looked at me and said, “I’m done.” The other guy was slow. As in slooowwwwwwwww. In the end, I ended up carrying way more of my stuff than both guys combined. It was amusing…in a way. If you think paying someone else money while you perform hard labor is funny.

A few days later, the moving company sent me a review request.

Oh, was I ever tempted. I could’ve crushed these guys. In the big blank thousand-character space requesting ‘customer comments,’ I could’ve named names and drilled these guys seventeen new holes in their asses. I could’ve told them everything they did wrong, and I could’ve clicked ‘No’ in the big fat box labeled ‘Would You Recommend Our Service?’

And so I did. I killed them. I slew them. The fires of their failure are still smoldering. Their manager has called me…oh…a dozen times to apologize. And I’ve ignored him. Utterly.

It felt a little bit like this.

…and a LOT like this.

But there’s two differences between reviewing a moving company and reviewing art, books, and movies.

1. I reviewed the moving company privately. For their benefit alone. No public slander. No single-star rating on Yelp.

2. There’s no opinion involved in reviewing someone’s skill at box-lifting. There’s tons of opinions involved in reviewing film, paint, and words.

Which brings me here…to Tessera Guild…and to my personal website, Down the Dark Path.

From time to time I write reviews. Movie reviews especially, like this one and this one, and a recent review of Neil deGrasse Tyson throwing down some science in Atlanta. If you’ve ever read my reviews, and you should; trust me :), you’ll notice one thing they have in common: they’re ALL positive. Not positive in a blow-sunshine-up-your-ass way. Positive in a I-want-to-share-something-amazing kind of way. I review stuff I love because to me that’s the only stuff worth reviewing. Sure, I pick at a few small failures, but overall my comments on other people’s creative work are glowing. Because I want to spread the love, not stifle it. Because my opinions are better served helping people than shitting on other artists’ efforts. And because, let’s face it, the world and everything in it has plenty of bad reviews already.

A few observations:

A great review of an awesome piece of creative work will do hundred times more cultural good than a horrific review of something shitty.

When I see extremely negative reviews of movies, art, or books, I find it hard not to yawn.

I have better things to do (and so do you, probably) than sling stones at other artists and writers.

Opinions of art, movies, and books are rarely objective.

* * *

Look, I get it. If you spent $12 to watch a movie you hated, you’re entitled to vent about it. If you paid $9.99 for a crap novel on Amazon, you’ve every right to give it negative 47 stars. And if your umbrella rots while your lazy movers are carrying it, go nuts and complain to everyone. Scream into the heavens. Slap the cashier in the mouth. Burn down your local Wal-Mart. You’re allowed to do all of this.

But not me. I’m not allowed. I’ve banned myself from bitching. I’ve closed off the part of my mind that wants to nerd-rage about how such-and-such movie is awesome, but another one is trash. If I want bad reviews on stuff, I’ll just visit Rotten Tomatoes or post my selfies to Tinder. Sure, it’s fun to read a good rant, but it really doesn’t entertain me as much as it used to.

So if you see a movie review, a book review, or a commentary on a piece of art, and if you see I’m the one who wrote it, maybe you don’t have to read the review at all. You’ll know it’s positive when you see my name.

Unless you work for the moving company.

Then you’re screwed.

J Edward Neill

Author of A Door Never Dreamed Of

Creator of the Coffee Table Philosophy series

101 Questions for Couples!

By J Edward Neill Coffee Table Book, humor, life, Sex Questions

On a road trip together.

During a romantic dinner at home.

Holding hands on a park bench.

After twenty years of marriage.

Read a few of these to the special person in your life.

And thank us later.

101 Questions for Couples

The new book by J Edward Neill and Jaylene Jacobus

It’s 101 pages.

With 101 questions meant to be shared between lovers, new and old.

Take it anywhere.

And capture your partner’s heart all over again.

Try some sample questions right here!

* *

J Edward Neill & Jaylene Jacobus

Oh…we’ve also got a book for single people. Right here!

Finding the Words

By Amanda Makepeace art, life, Poetry

I’m not a writer. When it comes to writing anything, even an email, I put a tremendous amount of thought behind it before I begin. I’m the same with talking. There is always far more I’m thinking than saying. This is who I am. Don’t be mistaken. I have the ability to talk for hours with friends on a topic I find interesting or one that sparks my passion, but sitting down to write a blog post… I’d rather go back to my drawing or painting. What do I have worth saying to the world? I find it easier to speak through art, or poetry, because in truth I have simple loves in life.

Photograph by Amanda Makepeace

***

Satin soft petals reaching toward
the clouds, sway aloft sturdy stalks–
To and fro, to and fro.

They lure me with luscious hues
To places unknown, and
Capture me with Spring incense,
A meadow inside my soul.

Lay me down midst the Aster and Sage,
So I may rest, may dream,
If lucky, live again.

50 Ways to Live a Little Differently

By J Edward Neill humor, life

I’m not sayin’…

…but I might be sayin‘.

* * *

At bars and restaurants, be the best tipper around.

Selfie sticks should be used to start swordfights, not to take actual selfies with.

Stairs should be climbed, not avoided. And whenever possible, take them two at a time.

The first pancake is usually the worst. Give it to your dog. Or your cat.

Limit your usage of ‘lol‘ when texting. Or when emailing. Or always.

Your icemaker line will eventually break and flood your kitchen. Buy some ice-cube trays before it happens.

Shrug off small inconveniences. Also…the big ones.

Conservative and Liberal aren’t the only two choices. And not everything falls on the spectrum between these two.

Reserve your highest expectations for yourself. (i.e.; demand greatness from you and no one else.)

If a child asks you a question, consider answering with a kindly, “What do you think?”

Remember: your perspective is just one of billions.

At the grocery store, insist on using paper bags instead of plastic.

Never greet friends or lovers with complaints.

The only purpose of TV is to keep your ass on the couch…watching more TV.

Be the person who pushes your shopping cart back into the store, not the one who shoves it in the corral a hundred yards away.

Nobody likes a one-upper. Listen to your friends’ stories and shut up. 🙂

Avoid huge charities. Give your money, donations, and time directly to those in need.

These days, nerds can be jocks, and vise-versa.

When picking fights, don’t.

And when you feel the instinct to judge, don’t.

Consider leaving your cell phone behind. Often.

No matter how hard you believe in something, it’ll never trump the truth.

And your beliefs should never control another human being.

Unexpected gifts are the best.

Except for Valentines Day. You’d better deliver for that one. 🙂

As for compliments, smile and accept them. And then forget they ever happened.

Try being a third (or fifth) wheel during a night out. It’s more fun than you think.

Politicians want you to be angry about stuff. Resist it.

Somebody probably already thought of the awesome meme you’re about to post. 🙁

Extreme independence is a heavy cross to bear.

Think about changing your religion to humanity.

Buy a tongue brush. Use it.

Avoid the parking spots closest to the store. Park in the farthest spot imaginable. (Doubly true for parking at the gym.)

If you have kids, remember that life’s problems should go up, not down. For an explanation, watch Saving Private Ryan.

See this? This is a wolf spider. Don’t kill these. They eat other spiders. Put a glass cup over it, slide a piece a paper underneath, and hurl it outside.

Escalators are not meant to stand on. You’re supposed to walk up them just like stairs.

Consider never allowing your emotions to be someone else’s burden.

Crisp cold mountain water isn’t as safe to drink as you might think. 🙁

If you work in an office, get up and walk to the printer. Don’t keep one in the room with you.

If someone asks to borrow money, think about just giving it to them.

Don’t underestimate the effect your words have on other people.

And don’t overestimate it either.

Think twice before tattooing someone else’s name on your skin. Get a tribal or something.

When dating, approach a new person without expectations.

But do approach with wine. 🙂

Shitty grammar is ok among friends, but will undermine you among colleagues.

If you don’t like to run or jog, try walking. It’s just as good for your body.

Consider that 95% of all statistics on the internet are probably bullshit. 🙂

And also consider that 95% of your problems can be solved with pizza and/or beer.

* * *

Here’s the original 50 Things You Should Probably Think About.

And here are 444 things you should definitely think about .

🙂

J Edward Neill

5 Little Questions for Couples :)

By J Edward Neill humor, life

You probably knew this was coming.

In the wake of this and this, we just had to do a book for lovers.

So grab your partner and ask ’em to indulge you.

Here’s five little questions for couples!!

* * *

One-Word Knockouts

Use one word to describe each of the following things:

The way your lover kisses you

The way you feel when you see them after a long day

Where you want to take them on vacation

Where you want to live with them

What you’ll do the next time you’re alone together

Your favorite part of their personality

Robin Hood

Suppose you could take any one thing away from your lover.

Any burden.

Any health issue.

Any bad feeling they’re stuck with.

Anything.

So go ahead. Swoop in and save the day. What one thing are you taking away from them that they’ll never have to deal with again?

It’s Not What You Think. It’s Worse

First, read these non-dictionary definitions, which are based on things women sometimes say:

“Fine” – The argument is over. You lost. She won.

“Nothing” – Something is wrong. You’d better guess what it is

“Go ahead” – The opposite of permission. More like a dare

“Whatever” – You’re in trouble. Big trouble

Now…

Ladies: are these true?

Gentlemen: are these acceptable?

Fantasia

Imagine tomorrow you and your lover wake up on a warm, sunny day.

You find a million dollars on the foot of your bed
If you have kids, they’ve graduated college and moved out
Your job called and said you’ve got two months of paid leave, starting immediately

So…

Where are you two going and what are you doing there?

Hang the Moon

Imagine you have the power to give your lover a gift.

Just one gift.

It can be anything.

Something physical.

Something emotional.

Or something completely unrealistic.

It doesn’t matter. There are no boundaries.

What one gift do you give them?

* * *

101 Questions for Couples, by Jaylene Jacobus and J Edward Neill, is now available.

Get ready to fall in love all over again.

🙂

Post JordanCon Thoughts

By Amanda Makepeace art, events, life

I’ve been home three days now, but they’ve not been the best of days. I woke up Monday feeling rough and then realized soon enough I had a stomach virus. Today I’m better, but not quite back to normal. Not fun, especially after such an incredible weekend. Part of what I love about conventions is meeting up with friends I only see at conventions. I have a couple I don’t see but once or twice a year. So that is always a treat. I definitely had a little too much fun this weekend.

Photos…. I have very few. I’ve found that since I’ve begun attending conventions as an artist, I either don’t think about taking photos or I simply don’t have time. Here’s a very tiny collection, if you’re interested in seeking more out, the JordanCon Group on Facebook has a great gallery of images from this year’s event.

My friend Melissa Gay getting first class treatment in the art show.

Charity Art Jam

It occurred to me to have Melissa take a photo of us.

We played Loteria with John Picacio.

This weekend was my most successful convention to-date. I sold my largest, most expensive piece, Renascentia as well as, eight other pieces from my art show bay. As for the prints I brought, I only sold 1 of the Alchemist and 1 of Spirit Guardian, but all 4 of the limited edition Dawn and Dusk prints. Those were more expensive than the regular prints and smaller, so go figure. I obviously should have brought more. Live and learn.

Limited edition print of Dusk – Hand embellished.

Regardless, I’m kind of blown away. I don’t think I’ve ever sold so much art in one weekend. I came home with empty boxes! A few of the unsold pieces will go into my shop, but some of the pieces I will retire and others I’ll store for another show.

What was different about this year compared to last?

1. JordanCon hosted DeepSouthCon – It’s a travelling convention. Our attendee numbers were higher than last year and author Brandon Sanderson was there too.

2. I wasn’t an unknown. After winning Judges’ Choice last year I did gain new followers on Facebook from the convention, some of which became new fans of my art and in turn new friends. I returned to JordanCon this year feeling as if I was part of their family.

3. I was more active, socially. Last year, I didn’t really know anyone. This year, I had a few friends that helped me feel more comfortable. We all hung out a lot and went to various room parties where I met more people. I spent an hour behind John Picacio’s (Artist Guest of Honor) table, just chatting. And I was also a part of an event called Win, Lose or Draw. I’m hoping to be even more involved in the art show programming next year. Ultimately, I met and spoke with so many more people than I did last year. My lips are still chapped from talking so much!

It’s a little weird having a big blank space on my wall. But, I’m okay with Renascentia going to a new home. It was time. She helped me discovered exactly what I want to do with my art–what I want to say. It took a year, but now I have Earth Rituals about to begin. It’s an exciting time. 🙂

The American Dream – A totally non-sarcastic essay

By J Edward Neill life, writing

A few years ago, I penned a quick essay for a European friend and high-school teacher. Its purpose was to educate a class of students, few of whom had ever been to America, on the meaning of the so-called American dream.

I recently stumbled across that essay. Looking back, I can hardly believe I wrote something so non-cynical and free of sarcasm.

Accidents will happen.

Enjoy:

The American Dream – A Not So Simple Definition

If one believes historian James Truslow Adams, the American Dream is the unique and substantive quality of America ‘…which has lured millions to our shores.’

Of course it’s not nearly as simple as that.

There are myriad ways one might define the hopes and dreams of an American, and while many are optimistic, others are just as pragmatic, even cynical. For as much as a man or woman might believe America is a land of endless opportunity, of boundless hope and liberty, there will always exist another who believes the opposite. No two views are likely the same.

Let us begin by describing the classical view, the idyllic American life as imagined in hearts and on paper, if not in reality.

There exists an idea, however unattainable, that all American men and women possess equal opportunity for success, material gain, and personal fulfillment. Whether an American hails from the poorest city slum or from the farthest rural meadow, the ideal says that we’re all the same, that no matter our pedigree we might hope to scale the rungs of happiness in whatever form that happiness might take. This is not a utopian view, but simply a giver of hope, an unspoken possibility that because of the freedoms intrinsic to the Constitution, we might all aspire to be greater than we presently are. This view of the American Dream would not have us believe that every man and woman is destined for fantastical prosperity, but instead that any person, no matter his or her beginnings, can hope for better than they have.

There also exists a more realistic view, a sensible way of believing in the American Dream without necessarily contradicting the idyllic hopes of our forefathers. The practical American man or woman might say that the Dream exists not in the forefront of every American’s mind, but instead upon the very periphery of our collective consciousness. While liberty, happiness, and success are possibilities, they are not always available or deserved. This view stresses that while one might grasp for all things wished and hoped for, without hard work and good fortune such dreams might never come to fruition. This view is not incompatible with the other, nor does it discount the great freedoms granted at America’s founding. It aims instead to promote the spirit of striving hard for success, rather than see America’s hopes and aspirations founder while waiting idly for good things to come.

There are those who say the American Dream is dead, that the fantasy of America’s youth has given way to the cynicism of maturity. Only the individual knows for certain. This dream, likes so many others, lives solely in the hearts and minds of the people.

– J Edward Neill

circa whenever

J Edward is the author of sci-fi thriller, A Door Never Dreamed Of, fantasy epic Down the Dark Path, and the ice-breaking Coffee Table Philosophy series.

J’s Magical Dating Quiz

By J Edward Neill humor, life

This is a special Saturday edition Tessera Guild blog.

Take it with several grains of salt. I’m chin-deep in some powerful scotch.

So, as a happily divorced father of one, I’ve found myself swimming in fresh new waters. There’s something to be said for being free and single. I’m not at mid-life crisis stage yet, I’m still young-ish, and I live in a big f’n city where everything can and does go down. It’s possible life has never been better…or more complex. But even so, I still date in the hopes of finding The One. I’ve come close, mind you. But I’ve fallen short. And so I persist.

As I wade through this existence, I find one thing is increasingly true: I’m picky about dating. Really fucking picky. Everyone has a right to be picky, but perhaps I’m the pickiest. It’s a long, slow road toward the end of life, and I figure (and I bet you do, too) that unless you’re spending it in the company of good people, good people who get you, you’re not doing it right. This is doubly true for dating. You know what I mean. It’s an absolute battlefield out there. As you get wiser, you start to learn what you love, and what you don’t love. You discover what you need, and what you’re willing to tolerate.

And so…now that I’m two glasses deep in my scotch, I present my somewhat sarcastic but also alcoholically honest:

Dating Audition Questionnaire!

1. Do you drink?

2. If not, how the fuck do you get through life? 🙂

3. Do you smoke?

4. If so, how often? And aren’t there better things to put your lips on?

5. How tall are you?

6. If shorter than 5′ 7″, are you willing to wear stilts? Or really, really high heels?

7. What are you passionate about?

8. It’s not Donald Trump, is it?

9. What ethnicity are you?

10. Did you know I don’t care what ethnicity you are? 🙂

11. Are you funny?

12. How funny?

13. Like, can I make vulgar yet sophisticated jokes around you and not have to worry?

14. Do you work out?

15. Ever? Or just sometimes?

16. Can I play Slayer, Carcass, Marylyn Manson, Pantera, or Danzig in the house?

17. Ok fine. What about if I only play it while you’re in the shower? Or sleeping? Or drunk?

18. Do you like country music?

19. If so, do you know where the door is? 🙂

20. If I say the word “Pi,” are you thinking food or numbers or both?

21. Do you believe in god?

22. If so, which particular sky wizard is going to smite me for this questionnaire?

23. What astrological sign are you?

24. Do you know the stars in the constellations are millions of light years apart? And that they look completely different when viewed from a different perspective in the universe?

25. Swords or guns?

26. How many times is enough sex in one month?

27. If I triple that, is that ok?

28. Do you like to give people ‘silent treatments?’

29. If so, do you know where the door is? 🙂

30. Red wine or white?

31. Meat-eater or vegetarian?

32. What’s your favorite food to eat in the morning?

33. And for dinner?

34. What percentage of Italian and/or Sicilian do you have in you?

35. If higher than 50%, am I going to die if we break up?

36. Are you going to trash my obnoxious friends when they leave?

37. Or are you going to accept the fucking challenge and be more obnoxious than they are?

38. Can we order Chinese tonight? And tomorrow? And what about Sunday night at 11PM?

39. Have you ever been to a movie in the theater alone?

40. If not, do you know where the door is? 🙂

41. If you’re the first person at a restaurant, do you go in and have a sip at the bar or do you hide in your car until someone else arrives?

42. How many minutes per day do you spend on your cell phone?

43. If more than 20, do you know where the door is? 😐

What creature is this crazy fucking wizard fighting in this scene?

What movie does this car appear in?

Can you spell this character’s name without resorting to the internet?

Can you tell me who this actor is without Googling a damn thing?

48. If I turned your car stereo on right now, what song would start playing?

49. Is comedian Ron White funny? On a scale of 1-10, how funny?

50. Is Michael Bay a good movie producer?

51. Is Netflix binging an acceptable date night?

52. Really?

53. Cats or dogs?

54. If not both, are you allergic?

55. How many hours of TV do you watch every week?

56. If we trim that in half while we’re dating, is that ok?

57. Can you explain to me the difference between arguing and debating?

58. Do you consider shopping to be ‘fun?’

59. If so, why?

60. How many screws up do I have before you consider cheating?

61. No seriously. Can you give me an exact number? 🙂

62. What is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen?

63. Wait…you mean it wasn’t Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

64. What’s the last book you finished?

65. You wanna go stare at prisoners in the local federal penitentiary?

66. If not, are you ok with me not wanting to go look at animals in the zoo?

67. See what I did there?

Can we do some of this?

And afterward some of this?

69.5. Are you jaded?

70. If so, what will it take to break through your armor?

* * *

At the time of completing this article, the author had consumed three glasses of scotch after running three miles.

Please forgive him.

Get more questions about life and love here.

And end the world right here.

J Edward Neill

* This article is mirrored from the original DowntheDarkPath.com blog

Marking Time with Movies

By John McGuire film, life

Like everything else in my life, I have milestones, road signs, stops, ups and downs, and everything else in between. These moments become fixed in my mind whether I want them to or not.

But there is another thing that can happen. Through the movies we watch. The best movies have a story. And I don’t mean the plot of the movie. I mean they tell a story from your own life, offering a snapshot of what things might have been occurring around the time you watched the film.

Sometimes I think that aspect can get lost in the newest spectacle which comes down the pipe from Hollywood. We rush to see these things on opening weekend that we’ll forget details of in the weeks and months that follow.

But when you can connect them to something else. Some event… they will always be there to illuminate that memory.

Star Wars – At the Drive Through – When I was about 3 or 4 years old.

I like to think of this as my first memory. It could be that I don’t know the exact dates involved here. I have others from around this time, so it is entirely possible that it chronologically falls later than I think. What I do know is that this is the very first “movie experience” I have. It’s no surprise then that like every other kid I fell in love with the movies.

The thing is, I don’t have specifics. Oh I remember little things, but over the course of 30+ years and multiple viewings of the movie I’m no longer sure what is my memory of this event and what might just be a memory of the movie itself.

Still, that opening scene… I can hear that through the speaker perched on the driver side window.

Transformers the Movie – At home

Consider something you are ultimately passionate about. Some toy or comic book or tv show or novel or whatever. Now find out that they are making a movie about that very thing… you’d be excited. You’re friends would be excited. I mean, you talk about the show ALL THE TIME.

ALL THE TIME.

And then the day begins to approach. Yet, for some reason your mom is unable to take you to the movies opening weekend. You, being the kid, actually take it fairly well (I have no memory of complaining… I’m sure I did). Promises of seeing it the following weekend accepted, you go to school on Monday to hear your best friends talking about these characters you’ve never seen. Plus, this being a time before you even understand there is such a thing as spoilers… well, they tell you the biggest news: Optimus Prime is dead, killed by Megatron.

You have your Princess Bride moment, “You mean Megatron wins?”

On and on it goes, bits and pieces of the movie suddenly etched in your mind without having viewed the damn thing.

But it didn’t matter. You were going to see it in 5 days… 4… 3… 2… 1… and on Friday you hurried home to look at the movie times on Saturday…

And couldn’t find the movie listed. See, you live in small town USA where movies come and go in a week’s time.

Disappointment. That’s what it felt like. And you watched the new episodes where they referenced some of the stuff in the movies and you figured it out, but still… you missed out…

Until finally it came on tv, broken into 5 parts (to be shown in place of the regular episodes). And you finally connected all the dots.

Clerks/Mallrats – Dorm Room

While it was Chad Shonk who first showed me his copy of Clerks, it wasn’t until my college roommate and I made a bootleg copy of Clerks and Mallrats onto one VHS tape that it became an anthem of sorts for those long days in the middle of the year. Those days where we weren’t going anywhere. We didn’t have any homework to do (or we just weren’t going to do it right then). So we’d pop it in and listen more than watch as we sat at our desks surfing the internet, playing video games, or just talking.

All those quotable scenes flying in the background helped the two of us bond in a way that we might not have if we hadn’t found the appropriate common language.

Ghostbusters II and Who Framed Roger Rabbit – Home… and the beach

For two summers I saw these two movies every day at least once each. My sister and I watched our younger brother (2 or 3 at the time) during the summer months while my mom slept (she worked nights). Now when you are babysitting a small child with your mom trying to squeeze in 6 hours of sleep it is a lot like Fight Club.

Rule 1 – Don’t let Mark wake up Mom.

Rule 2 – Don’t let Mark wake up MOM!

Most days we could find plenty of things to keep him occupied, whether it was hanging out with me in the basement playing video games (he just held the other controller while I played)… but the all-time fix to a fussy toddler was those two movies (again bootlegged on the same tape). One played right into the other. And while he’d normally fall asleep on the couch at some point during the 3 plus hours of cinematic offerings, neither my sister or I dared to change the tape… Mark had a 6th sense about such things.

However, in the last year there is a slight caveat to Who Framed Roger Rabbit for me. While at the beach with my nephew, he asked to watch a movie with me (he was 7) and we chose Roger Rabbit. Even though he had seen the movie before, it was like he was watching for the first time.

And when the Judge is revealed as a Toon… his mouth literally fell open. Just perfect.

That image will stick with me now… and so the movies change my perception one more time.

***

John McGuire

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!

And has two shorts in the Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows anthology! Check it out!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

Ten Quick Observations About the Writing Bizniz

By J Edward Neill books, humor, life, writing

It’s a quirky industry, writing books.

Some take it seriously. Others not so much.

Some work with an entirely homegrown approach. Others hire professional muscle to do their ~~dirty work~~ marketing. Most use a mix of the two.

One of the biggest vehicles for so-called ‘indie’ authors (I hate that term) is social media. Twitter, Facebook, Linked-In, Tumblr, and Instagram. There are many ways of publicizing a book, but most cost money and/or require authors to either sell their work for pennies or list it for free. Such is the world we work in.

In this new environment, everyone has a strategy. Or at least, everyone probably should. There is no silver bullet for literary success. Much of what we do involves throwing our work into the wind and hoping someone catches it.

And so…

The following are my somewhat satirical thoughts on what authors do and how they do it.

* * *

1. What’s with all the memes?

Look, I get it. People nowadays communicate their feelings via memes. It’s cute, I guess. At least for a little while. To research this observation, I scrolled up and down the pages of some of the authors whom I follow. What did I find? Memes. Tons and fucking tons of memes. Most of which pretty much said the same things, including: Quotes by Stephen King, how much writers surf the web while they’re supposed to be writing, and how you can tell so-and-so is a writer because (insert some stupid stereotype here.) Ok. That’s all well and good. But while these people are busy posting memes, some of us are writing giant fucking circles around them. It’s also probably worth noting that if one’s audience is primarily made up of readers, one should probably target the commentary at them, not to other authors. Readers probably don’t give a rip about how much you surf Facebook while you’re writing vampire porn. Just a thought. 🙂

If this is what you do when you’re ‘writing,’ it’s time for a new career choice.

2. Spamming on social media will only go so far.

Like anything involving people, images and links will only cut so deep. To really get people’s attention, you have to engage their minds. Authors shouldn’t want followers; authors should want fans. The best way to capture the hearts of your audience is to be in the moment with them. Talk to them. Show them how you’re a real person and you give a shit. Your product is only as awesome as you are. Whenever I see a writer or an artist having a conversation with their audience, I crack a smile. Whenever I see a pile of memes or spammed Amazon links, I shake my head.

3. Content, content, content

The state of the indie art seems to be: write book/pitch book. And then: write another book/pitch another book. I guess this approach might work if you’re A. A fucking badass author, or B. Lucky to hit the right genre at the right time. But in case you’re not a badass or lucky, I suggest you spend a LOT more time creating content. And by content I mean shit that engages the audience, but doesn’t make a direct pitch at selling them stuff. Write about your life, your experiences, or just some funny stuff your cat did. But don’t expect to just write a book and sell 10,000 copies based on the work itself. Create content that has nothing to do with salesmanship. Entertain audiences for free…and then maybe they’ll consider forking over cash to buy your stuff. I dunno. Just a thought.

4. Your cover art is beautiful. Your book sucks.

There’s a famous saying. Goes something like, “Never judge a…” Oh hell, you know what I’m talking about. The modern state of the business is this: Kickass cover art is available to everyone. Good (and truly great) artists are out there, and they’re willing to take authors’ cash in exchange for creating cool-as-hell book art. The ish here is that for every one awesome storyteller selling his or her book for pennies on Amazon, there are ten people who couldn’t word their way out of a 1st grade creative writing class. Meaning…there’s some dude out there who just shelled out $500 for a sexy vampire slut on his book cover, but who didn’t spend a damn dime on getting the same book edited. His grandma and his sister’s barely-literate coworker were the only ones who read it before he hoisted his book, Vampire Sluts from Hell, onto Amazon. And yeah, you just bought that shit for $5.99. This probably sounds like sour grapes. It’s not. All I’m saying is…don’t judge a book by its cover…and don’t buy Vampire Sluts from Hell.

“That book was awful. It was two hours of my life I’ll never get back.” “Well, you prolly should’ve looked past the boobs on the cover.”

5. No, I don’t want to ‘check out’ your new book.

Name a sales pitch that would grab your attention. Now name one that wouldn’t stand a chance. Chances are, if you saw a product on tv stating simply to ‘check out’ some new product, you’d gloss over that shit. (Imagine the Dos Equis ‘most interesting man’ if all he said was, ‘Check out this cool beer.’) If an ad features a unique take or maybe something funny, you might actually look into the product. If not…you won’t. And that brings me to this: if an author is trying to sell something, they should never ever use the words ‘check out’ in the sales pitch. Seriously. Never. Pretty much 40% of the book ads I see (or ads for any kind of art, really) use the exact phrase “Hey, check out my new ____.” Really? Is that supposed to grab a reader’s attention? Hint: it doesn’t. Try harder. Actually, since you’re all my competition, don’t. Ha.

Also…try not to use superlatives. Nobody’s book is the bestest ever of all time. 🙂

6. I can feel the love.

There’s at least one good thing that has come of the ‘indie’ author movement and the rise of online self-marketing. It’s called teamwork, and I’m happy to say I see it every day. People who would otherwise be stuck on lonely little art islands are now able to talk, vent, and most importantly, help each other. Artists can collaborate at the speed of light. It’s easier to have a voice than ever before. And yeah, I know I said I’m in competition with every other author in the world, but even so… Twenty years ago we were all slaves to the big publishers. Now…fuck those guys. Other authors and painters might be my competitors, but at least we’re all on the same battlefield. Now excuse me while I go retweet my twenty favorite writers and painters. Even if it involves a bunch of bullshit memes. 🙂

7. Why, why, why all the man abs?

Ok. This isn’t a serious question. All I’m asking is for all my cool-as-hell female authors to occasionally put an image up on the internet I can share for you that doesn’t include Captain Situp and his 74-pack abs. (In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s the title of at least half the romance novels out there.) But seriously…that shit’s intimidating. I do a fuckload of crunches every day, but I can’t live up to these dudes. I can’t in good faith share an image that makes me look pathetic. Now boobs, on the other hand…

Jesus Christ, man. Eat a pizza or something.

8. We all need a better work ethic.

Myself especially. I mean…what excuse do we have? Thanks to computers, super-fast internet, and this wonderful little site called WordPress, reaching audiences is easier than ever before in the history of mankind. I’ve published 23 books in the last few years, which a hundred years ago would’ve taken most of my lifetime to finish (not to mention try to sell.) And yet here I am, knowing that if I worked harder, I could’ve done more. Look, I’m not gonna pitch statistics to you. Every writer in the world worth his or her salt will confess to needing to do more. It seems convenience is a double-edged sword. Technology gives artists the tools, but is utterly distracting at the same time. What’s the answer? Hell if I know. Smash your tv and dump your girlfriend, maybe? Worth a shot. 🙂

9. Automated Replies kill your business, not grow it.

See # 2 in this list, way up there near the top? Well there’s this sector of modern art marketing dedicated to using auto-replies instead of actual human engagement. I don’t know about you, but when I see an auto-reply for anything, not just books or art, I lose interest immediately. What it says is that I, the customer, am not worth a moment of personal time. What it also says is that the offending artist believes that the first contact with me should be a sales pitch, and usually a pretty boring one at that. Honestly, when trying to connect with new people online, I’d rather they not answer me at all than send me an auto-reply. That shit is annoying. Please stop. Thanks.

10. Despite all the mess, the writing world is a better place today.

You wanna know why? Because nowadays, if you’re a good storyteller with a tale to tell, you’ve got a shot. You’ve got some power. Your ability and effort matter. Ten little ole years ago, this just wasn’t true. So even though there’s a ton of straight-up awkward stuff going on in the biz, there’s also a lot of good. And to me, that good is great.

* * *

Hey look, I’m breaking my own rules. Eat some of these delicious words. And be happier for it.

J Edward Neill

Fools Get Their Own Day?

By John McGuire humor, life

April Fools’ Day

Ugh.

To quote Gollum – “We hates it!”

This guy gets it.

Here’s the deal. Yes, you’re going to get me. Whatever plans you’ve drawn up and schemed for the past 12 months. It’s going to work. Whatever test you think that you have gotten me on… I am Charlie Brown trying to kick the ball and you are forever pulling it out of my reach.

Congratulations! You win!

Your prize? Oh, someone else’s humiliation. My embarrassment.

So “Yea!” for this “holiday”. Yea, for people dog-piling on to make everyone else feel less clever.

How is this foolishness encouraged? Why?

A few years ago, my Mother-in-law called saying that she was on her way to Florida to visit with some friends because her husband had left her (my wife’s Step Father). And it wasn’t an immediate thing where she said, “Awww, just kidding!” No, she milked it. And my wife tried to work through it a little bit. Trying to figure out the details while in complete shock about the whole thing.

Then the punch in the gut happened.

“April Fools!”

To which I said (after I recovered from the “what just happened moments”), “Well, that was awful brave of you. What if we had went off on him and said he was a horrible person and we never liked him? That could have really backfired.”

Of course, that doesn’t mean that anyone will have learned their lessons. I just know it. And that’s just one example of many (that I’m not going to get into right now).

Did you know that the night before I repeat a mantra reminding me what April 1 will bring? I set constant reminders. I end up not visiting any blogs or news sites for the day lest I fall for the latest attempt to make me read an entire article.

Again, congratulations! You made me waste time from my day.

Aren’t you clever?

It’s like being told that there are tacks on the floor and we’ve misplaced your shoes… and it’s really dark. So I tip-toe through this hellish day just hoping beyond hope that people don’t look directly at me. That they forget about me and run their prank train on someone else. Just leave me be for 24 hours.

I prefer it when the day lands on a Saturday or Sunday, then I can retreat to my house and not leave for the entirety of the day. I force the pizza delivery guy to hand me the things I’ve ordered and then leave as quickly as possible.

It’s like no one has ever read Peter and the Wolf or something.

<Speaking of old tales… I read that it may/probably/could have originated with Chaucer. So in 1392 he mentioned something that I would rue to this day.>

<700+ years is a long con if ever there was.>

<Well played, Mr. Chaucer.>

And no, this isn’t going to be one of those posts that is so meta that I’ve somehow made it a trick that I hate the day, but at the end I’ll reveal I’m the biggest prankster EVA! And then you’ll feel foolish.

No. That is not going to happen. Instead I invite you to share in my hate. Embrace it with me.

And if you need to get a hold of me, best do it by 12:00 on March 31, because I’ll be in 24 hour lock down for the next day. And no matter what you tell me I won’t believe you. The truth won’t save you on that day.

But let’s be honest, I’ll forget the date and you’ll get me again and dance in the streets…

And I will fume for another year.

***

John McGuire

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!

And has two shorts in the Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows anthology! Check it out!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

Are you an artist, a writer, or just a badass with words to say?

By J Edward Neill art, books, life, marketing

Hey you.

Are you an artist? An author? A photographer? Or someone with something awesome to blog about?

Yeah. We bet you are. 🙂

We think you should know; Tessera Guild is looking for someone like you.

Did you just finish a rockin’ painting? Cool! We want you to blog about it.

Did you publish an epic novel or a smooth little short story? Nice! We want to interview you about it.

Or maybe you want a weekly platform from which to write or podcast about art, life, and the end of the world? Yeah. We can help with that.

Tessera Guild is looking to grow its readership and help fresh new artists and wordsmiths get the exposure they need. We have primary openings on Tuesdays, Fridays, and weekends.

There are no strings attached. We don’t charge any money to anyone. We’re not in this for the cash.

Seriously.

We’re looking for full-time contributors AND one-time interviews, blogs, and press releases.

Interested?

Good. It’s easy. Just reach out to us via the comments section OR the contact link. Or send an email here.

Tessera Guild gets thousands and thousands of hits every single week, and has been for more than two years now. Seems like a no-brainer for you to join us.

See you soon,

Team Tessera

Thoughts from a 12 Year Old Me

By John McGuire life

As time goes on there are moments you’d like to go back to. Maybe you’d want to just relive them. Maybe you’d want to talk to your younger self and inform them of things to come. Let them know that while there are going to be some chaotic times coming for them, to just hang in there. There are many things I would like to share with my younger self. A version of me in Middle School, having recently moved back to the Atlanta suburbs. Dealing with being in another new school and trying to figure out how this was going to go. I wouldn’t mind talking to him and giving him a glimpse of some things to come (nothing that would mess up the time stream, don’t worry).

Things we all would like to say to our younger selves.

Yet the other day, as I was digging through my email I found something my mother sent me… from that younger version of me. I’m think this is his way of having a little visit with me.

“Ten Guidelines I Would Like to Live By.”

1 – Make the best grades I can.

One of the things I took pride in was being good in school. Up until Middle School the only B I’d ever gotten was in Penmanship (and that was quickly corrected after my step-father spoke with the teacher). This striving came to a head in college when I had made a couple of D’s one quarter and proceeded to doubt my abilities to even make it. Luckily my dad understood exactly what I needed to hear and instead of disappointment from him, I got encouragement.

2 – Be more considerate of other peoples feelings.* (apparently I put the asterisk there, probably denoting a level of importance)

I try to do this. I think I’m more successful than not, but I know there are things I could do to ensure no one thinks I take them for granted (friends, family, co-workers). Sometimes it’s easy to get lost in my own world.

3 – Try my best at doing everything.*

Another one that I still strive for. I think it is something I would like to have in my writing… always getting better, always trying to learn…

4 – Respect elders

That’s one of those from my own parents and grandparents and Aunt and Uncle. It was ingrained at an early age. Something as simple as saying “yes sir” or “yes ma’am”.

5 – Keep organized

Well, you can’t win them all can you…

Actually I am pretty well organized. Following my lovely bride’s example, I worship the Goddess of the To Do List. The thing that eludes me is organizing my time in the most efficient manner. So many distractions (so many more than the 12 year old me could imagine).

6 – Do not vandalize

A very odd one. I’d love to know why this was on the list at all. Not like I did any vandalizing in my youth, and I’m happy to say, as far as I can recall, I’ve never defaced anyone else’s property.

7 – Do not steal

My younger self wouldn’t count Napster as stealing would he? I mean everyone was doing it. How else was a struggling college student going to keep up with all the new music? But I never bothered with Metallica (I had their stuff already).

8 – Do not lie to elders

Tied directly into number 4 above. Again, I think I’m winning this one so far.

9 – Respect other people’s ideas

But what if they are really dumb?

I mean, really dumb? Then it’s OK, right?

As a writer, working with other writers, not only do you need a tough skin to handle criticism, I think you also have to be open to other ideas about your work. You need to be able to use the parts that make the most sense and those that you don’t believe apply… don’t use. But always remember each little note, as painful as they can be, is only going to make you better.

10 -Set goals and keep them

100 times this. I struggle with this, as I think most people do. And I think it is important to do this, but I also think you have to be careful to set realistic goals. Push for things you can control, but don’t beat yourself up about the stuff you can’t. And celebrate your victories, because sometimes they come in bunches, but sometimes it takes a while for the next one to get here.

***

With all of this, I would like to think, even with my failings, that I’ve made my 12 year old self proud. Just need to shore up some of those I’ve fallen a little short on.

***

John McGuire

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!

And has two shorts in the Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows anthology! Check it out!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

10 Good Places to Eat and get Tipsy in Atlanta

By J Edward Neill Great cocktails in Atlanta, life, Reviews

Ages ago, I moved from Chicago to Atlanta.

And now that I’ve lived here for the last thousand years or so, I’m starting to get a feel for what’s good to eat down here (and what’s not.) It’s also probably worth mentioning that I’m a foodie, a wine-lover, a cocktail fiend, and an atmosphere aficionado. I love to eat. And I love to eat out on the town.

Before we start, I’ve got a disclaimer. The following ten restaurants are NOT what I’m claiming to be Atlanta’s best food. That’s a different list. This list is exactly what the title says. Good food + good cocktails + cool atmosphere = on the list. These are all places I’d take a date, and none of them will break your bank.

In no particular order, please enjoy:

* * *

Tannery Row Ale House

Features – It’s all about the building. It’s literally a former tannery.

Way out in Buford (NE ‘burb of Atlanta) diners can experience classic American cuisine in a renovated tannery. The ceiling is three-stories high. The building still has remnants of its past as a full-service tannery…from 1873. The food here isn’t really the draw; it’s good, but not transcendent. It’s about the coolness of eating in a huge & open building. Tannery Row also doubles as a great event space, hosting New Years’ parties and other bashes. They can do it because they’re frickin’ huge.

Sage Woodfire Tavern (Two locations: Perimeter and Alpharetta)

Features – Huuuuge bar. Excellent wine list. Fantastic meat dishes.

Situated on Atlanta’s Northeast perimeter, Sage Woodfire is a meat and wine lover’s paradise. You say you want a great lamb shank, a succulent slab of pork, or a bombastic-good hamburger? This is your spot. And let’s not forget the wine list, which is big and yet somehow still refined. The wait-staff never fails to make excellent pairings. And…if you’re in the mood for a cocktail, they’ve got all the goodies. (Personally, I’m convinced they have a master-level sommelier hiding behind the bar.) Speaking of bars, Sage’s is truly massive. It’d be hard not to enjoy yourself sitting up there, soaking up the warm, oaky, and vibrant atmosphere.

Rumi’s Kitchen

Features – Kabobs, custom cocktails, and the best rice around

Perhaps some are intimidated by the idea of Persian cuisine. At Rumi’s there’s no need to be. The menu features an amazing selection of fresh, perfectly-spiced meats, fine sauces, and over-the-top good rice. Like chicken, lamb, salmon, or prawns? Good, because Rumi’s makes them all taste unique and yet utterly approachable. Also, and perhaps most importantly, the cocktails are absurdly good. I’d list them here, but they’re all amazing. Just. Go.

Brio (Downtown location)

Features – Classic Italian dishes served with fine wine in an upscale setting

In a big, open room, with a wait-staff buzzing all around, patrons can still find a seat and enjoy a private (maybe even romantic) evening. In the heart of downtown (there’s also a Perimeter location) Brio is accessible, fun, and delicious. They have all the classic Italian dishes, and they do them very well. While good for dates, it’s also a great spot for larger groups, which the huge central room can easily accommodate. Once again, here’s a spot with a good (but not great) wine selection. Need some noodles and a good drink or three? Get downtown and try Brio.

Eclipse di Luna (Perimeter location)

Features – Fast-paced tapas with amazing cocktails and late-night live music

Eclipse di Luna is one of my personal favorite spots in Atlanta. Either on dates or in small, tight groups, its lively atmosphere and stunningly good beverages can make the night just happen. The menu is almost all tapas, and it’s all great. Spiced taters, hummus, smoked salmon…the list goes on and on. It’s all got a hint of Spanish flavor; nothing too spicy, nothing too tame. Every time I go here, a pitcher of a little sumthin’ sumthin’ (usually mojitos) finds its way to my table. If you want a nice and loud night, this is your spot. (And afterward, head over to Café Intermezzo for coffee and cake.)

Antebellum

Features – Small, focused menu. Top shelf cocktails. Wonderful staff.

Now let’s head out of the city. Way up in Flowery Branch (practice home of the Atlanta Falcons) one can find a true Southern gem. With a tight menu (usually 6-8 entrees) Antebellum’s focus is to make each bite life-changing good. They feature contemporary Southern cuisine, such as wild scallops & shrimp, braised duck, and mouth-watering short ribs. And let’s not forget the small but formidable wine list, perfectly paired to the seasonal menu. The bar is tiny, and yet…if you can find a seat there…you might not want to leave.

Cinco

Features – Straight up Mex and Tex-Mex entrees. Heavenly margaritas.

In sunny Suwanee, one can find Cinco, a somewhat upscale take on Mexican and Southwestern cuisine. Want sizzling hot fajitas? Go here. Want some choice tacos? Yep. Right here. Cinco isn’t super fancy, but it’ll fill you up with some damn good (and super fresh) food. Featured on Cinco’s menu are its margaritas, all of which are sharp, strong, and deeeeelicious. If you’re staying out late, Cinco also has a secondary bar attached to the restaurant. It’s called Cinco After 5. It’s great for people-watching (and eavesdropping) while sipping on top-notch cocktails.

Atlantic Seafood Company

Features – Super fresh seafood paired with excellent service

Up in Alpharetta, we find Atlantic Seafood Company. As far as variety and quality of seafood options, there might be no better location in Atlanta. They’ve got everything…and they’ll prepare it any way you please. If you want classic and fresh-off-the-boat crustaceans or fish, they’re yours. And if you’ve got a taste for fresh oysters, look no further. Not to be outdone, ASC’s staff is fast, courteous, and professional. I’ve been there dozens of times, and I’ve yet to have a sub-par experience. Plus, like most of the restaurants on this list, Atlantic Seafood has superior craft cocktails.

Kaleidoscope

Features – Craft beers, excellent daily specials, and specialty pizzas.

A personal favorite of mine, Kaleidoscope is both a quality spot (to haunt and people-watch) and a solid choice for dinner and a loud conversation. Situated in the heart of Brookhaven, it features a huge long-table in its heart, surrounded by smaller, cozier tables. The bartending game is strong, with weekly craft beer specials and a tasty core of tending-toward-strong cocktails. They’ve recently added a pizza oven, which only adds to an already wonderful menu. Aside from the food and spirits, KScope has some of the liveliest late-night crowds in town. Pick a spot and sip the night away, people.

Marlow’s Tavern

Features – Mega-friendly staff. Monthly menu specials. Superior atmosphere.

With a sprinkling of locations in and around metro Atlanta, Marlow’s has quickly become a dining/drinking hot spot. The M (as they call it) specializes in its super, super, super friendly staff. Seriously, the M team is as professional and courteous as they come. Even better, as someone who’s been to the M hundreds of times, I attest I’ve never had a bad meal there. Gumbo, pork chops, salmon, crème brulee…it’s all solid. While not boasting a massive beer or wine selection, their cocktails are top notch, especially the famous New Fashioned. Forget your average sports bar. Hit up the M.

* * *

Headed to Atlanta for the weekend? Lived here for ages and looking for someplace new? Try one of these. You’ll not regret it.

And when you’re done eating (and maybe getting tipsy) entertain your guests at home with some quality Coffee Table Philosophy.

Love,

J Edward Neill

Author of the new novella, A Door Never Dreamed Of

Prolific painter of giant canvasses

Dark fiction novelist extraordinaire

Furious Feline Armageddon

By J Edward Neill humor, life

Ages ago when I lived in the real world, I had a crap-ton of cats. I mean…a lot…as in too damn many.

They swept in and out of my life like ocean waves. Sometimes the tide would rise (12 cats when I was a kid) and later recede (as I type this, only 2 are left.)

They’ve been a constant fixture in my life. I admit I’m not really sure what’ll happen when the last two go. Maybe I’ll get more, maybe not. We’ll see.

Look, I get it that dudes having cats is pretty much the end of the world.

F it.

Here’s a glimpse of my cat army, past and present:

Let’s start WAY back, as in almost 20 years ago. This here is Pumpkin, codename: Mr. Bitch. He lost his eye due to surgery, but lasted many years afterward.

The fun thing about Mr. Bitch was that even after he was fixed, he would try to have sex with all the female cats. They didn’t seem to mind. I guess you can’t keep some guys down.

Here’s Mr. Bitch’s main concubine, Callie. Aka: Kong. As far as cat friends go, she was tops.

Kong caught napping. This little cat would dream so deep she’d shiver. No doubt dreaming of Mr. Bitch gettin’ his groove on.

This here is Giblet, codename: Jibby. And yes, that’s a human head she’s living on.

Jibby was a nutty animal. Not quite right in the head. She eventually ran away. I still like to think she’s out there doin’ her thing. If she’s alive, she’s only 8 years old, so maybe…

Now let’s talk about Chitlen, aka: Cheezy, aka: Chang. She was badly inbred and insufferably dumb. But damn she did funny stuff. Every time anything in the house would make a hissing sound, she’d go bonkers and meow…forever.

Cheezy wrapped up in a Cubs blanket. Lil’ fatass could sleep anywhere, anytime.

Introducing Angel, alias: Da Terre. She never really fit in with the rest of the troops. In an army, she’d be a spy, a sniper, a lone wolf. She may very well have been the smartest of them all. It’s probably important to mention this shelf was about 6 1/2 feet off the ground.

I mean…I guess she was kinda pretty. A cameo Persian, they called her.

Link and Melba. Named for the Zelda character and the toast. Found these two at a softball game. I think they were bro and sis, but who knows?

That’s Cheezy on the right, and Braids (aka: T Nigs) on the left. I couldn’t even sit on the damn couch without them showing up looking for handouts.

This one still lives with me. Noodle is impossibly stupid, but undeniably the nicest animal you’ll ever meet. Also, she smells bad.

‘Derrrrrr, whad am I s’posed to do wit dat?’

Now let’s talk about my BFF, my main cat, my little pardna in crime. This is Sticky, aka: Sticks, and even though she’s blind now, she’s still a lunatic.

This is Sticky fighting UFO’s with her death-ray vision.

She also makes for a great movie-time snack: Pretzels.

More Sticky action shots:

And random shots of the army at work…and asleep:

* * *

I’ve had about 35 cats during various phases of my life. Alas, I don’t have pics of most of them (leastways not digital ones.)

Most of them have passed on.

But they’re still troops in my army. And always will be.

And when I reach the point of having no pets anymore (probable considering my plan to move) I’ll remember these little mofos.

* * *

Sadly, in this book, all the cats are GONE.

See you next time.

J Edward Neill

Inside one Artist’s Mind

By Amanda Makepeace art, creativity, life

Warning!

This blog post may disturb you or in the very least make you question the author’s sanity.

On any given day there are a multitude of random thoughts and questions that pass through my mind. This is but a glimpse.

Is that a hawk or a vulture? Vulture.
I want one of those for the studio.
I NEED that for my studio.
What would people think if I started collecting roadkill?
Coffee. Coffee. Coffee.
Ugh, this painting sucks.
I need to draw more skulls.

Not roadkill–found under my bushes.

I should paint a skull.
I need to find more bones.
Will I ever find a shed antler?
Tea. Tea. Tea.
This painting isn’t looking so bad now.

I really want to find a crow feather.
I love this painting. I bet everyone will hate it.
Should I cover my gray hair? Who cares!
Is this a coyote track?
I wish I could take this mini skeleton home with me.

3 ft. Skeleton seen in my Rhuematologist’s Office

I should organize my _____ .
I love this paper. I need to buy it all.
I wish I could back this Kickstarter.
I wish I could attend _____ convention.
I should save this small scrap of paper. I might use it for something.
I should save ______, I might use it for something.

These aren’t the only things that cross my mind, but they are some of the most reoccurring thoughts I have. I have folders on my computer filled with photos of bones. Not long ago I was keeping some bones in my jewelry box. Okay. I’m going to go refill my coffee now.

www.amandamakepeace.com

New Myths and Legends

By John McGuire creativity, Dark Philosophy, life

In ancient times we made up stories about the gods and goddesses in order to explain the craziness of the world we lived in. Instead of science we had myth in order to understand the phenomenon we encounter every day. From those stories the legends that were the gods began to take shape. Our very thoughts brought them to life.

Yet as time went on the need for these pantheon of beings more powerful than ourselves went away. They were replaced by our modern religions until now they are taught in schools for their stories. They are called myths and we chuckle that we might have been so primitive enough in our reasoning to think that was how the world worked.

What people don’t realize… what I didn’t realize until this last year or so, is that there are new gods being created every day. And while they don’t have the coolness of names like Zeus or Set, I’m sure somewhere the Selfie god is enjoying the creation of more duck lips (that’s how he knows you truly love him – it’s like a secret language). The Social Media goddess is one of many faces, all of them engaged with someone else in an attempt to make as many friends as possible and “win” the internet. And let’s not forget about the modern-day David and Goliath, cousin gods forever locked in a deadly combat: Windows and Apple. One forgetful and moody, and the other smug and full of itself and its power.

However, I did not come to talk about those, but about another one I have learned about. I know my wife is one of her high priestesses as she invokes her name every day and most days she does so many times over.

The Bucket List, one of her favorites

The Great To Do List.

She will guilt you until you have appeased her. Don’t add something just to be able to cross it off, for this will anger her in ways you cannot possibly fathom. And as your lists grow and diminish, you will find it has a heart beat of its own. In your hands, notebook, laptop, tablet, phone, whatever is something to which you much feed, else you will surely be crushed under its weight.

You will know her by her appearance. Bullet points lining a page becomes the Mona Lisa in the hands of one of her worshipers. Forget understanding why the item needs to be completed, the only thing that matters is doing the latest task.

And the guilt at not doing your fair share of the list? Unbearable. You will toss in your bed at night, unable to greet the sweet release of sleep as every item weighs down on you like a stone pressed to your chest.

In order to stave off the insanity, you will begin to add more and more mundane tasks to the List. Cleaning up the kitchen suddenly gets broken into different appliances, because why only mark off ONE thing when I can mark off FOUR.

Need to call a friend, better write it down. Remember, if you don’t do it now then you will have only yourself to blame when she extracts her vengeance on you. The pit in your stomach, that’s her. Always watching, always demanding of more and more in tribute.

And you will claim to no longer need such things. You will delete the files and throw out her stationary (post-it notes), but she will linger, trying to explain how great and wonderful she can make you if only you’d mark one thing off today. Just one thing.

Perhaps you need to get a blog done? Better finish it before your deadline. Better to let the world know of her existence than suffer for one more day under her watchful eye.

And now that you are done, strike the item from the list.

That’s a good boy.

***

John McGuire

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!

And has two shorts in the Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows anthology! Check it out!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

Fifty MORE things you should probably think about…

By J Edward Neill humor, life

I’m not sayin’.

I’m just sayin‘.

*** * ***

50 MORE Things You Should Probably Think About

A rare compliment is better than everyday flattery.

Don’t fistfight the person who cuts you off in traffic. Fight the one who says you can’t do something. And fight them with your mind, not your hands.

Patience is a virtue, but sometimes you need to do stuff right f’ing now.

Wine is healthier for you than soda.

Stainless steel looks cool, but definitely isn’t stainless.

Win or lose, there’s a six-month post-election limit on leaving political candidate bumper stickers on your car.

Be the one who tips too much.

Think of meteorology the same as telling ghost stories around a campfire. Both contain fiction designed to scare people.

Don’t drive around looking for the best parking spot available. Get some exercise; park in the farthest spot imaginable.

Try not to do a movie on the first date. Go somewhere you can look them in the eyes.

The five minutes after you start doing something are easier than the five years you procrastinated before doing it.

Insulting the things other people love doesn’t make the things you love more awesome.

Consider being friends before lovers.

You can be a cat person and a dog person. It’s possible.

Kids these days want the same things as kids during previous generations’ days. They just chase it differently.

Never be ashamed of the music you love.

The best time to order pizza delivery is immediately after grocery shopping.

Valentines Day is a fraud if you want it to be. But extremely romantic if you care to try.

Odds are you probably already have everything you need.

Always keep Ramen noodles handy.

No one really cares whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert. As long as you’re a decent human being, it’s all good.

Sometimes the grass is actually a LOT greener. Sometimes not. Flip a coin.

Try taking MMA classes. Not to learn how to kick people’s asses, but instead to gain the confidence to know you can.

If you have to drive after drinking heavily, pound water for 90 minutes and stay in the fast lane. 🙂

It’s possible the only purpose of life is to live.

One learns much more in defeat than in victory.

Instead of lite beer, why not just drink water? It’s cheaper and has the same effect.

Try not to jump on the bandwagon of manufactured causes.

Consider collecting experiences instead of things.

The Big Green Egg is a fantastic grill, but steak still tastes better when cooked over charcoal.

It’s cool to be weird, off-the-grid, or eccentric. But it loses some of its luster when you talk about it too much on the internet.

Everyone can be corrupted. The trick is knowing exactly what ruins you and staying the hell away from it.

The coldest winds don’t blow through mountains or forests. They blow through the human heart. Luckily, the same is true for warm wind.

Forget sharks. Be afraid of jellyfish.

For every person who loves a thing, someone else is offended by that same thing. Fuck it.

Good luck changing anyone’s political belief system.

Resting Bitch Face (RBF) doesn’t always mean what it looks like. But sometimes it does.

The best kind of diet & exercise plan is one you can do for the rest of your life.

Survival of the fittest no longer really applies. But it might someday. So it’s probably a good idea to keep doing pushups.

Odds are someone is stalking your Facebook page right now.

Odds are even better someone currently has a huge crush on you that you’ll never know about.

The government will never be the super-efficient machine we want it to be. If it were, millions of people would be out of work.

There’s no such thing as ‘morning people.’ There are people who hate mornings and those who hate them slightly less.

It’s entirely possible there’s no such thing as right or wrong.

The key to finding happiness is embracing its elusiveness.

If you’re nervous about trying a new food, get tipsy first. Everything tastes a better with little liquor. Everything except key lime pie.

Mile number five is a thousand times more satisfying than Mile zero.

Almost everything you click on the internet is designed to take your money. (Oh, the irony.)

A sure mark of intelligence is the reservation of judgment.

All men are probably not created equal.

*** * ***

For the original 50 Things You Should Probably Think About, go here.

If you like the serious stuff, hit this.

J Edward Neill

Notes from a (mildly) successful author

By J Edward Neill books, humor, life, writing

Last year I sold just over three-thousand books.

Using Kindle Unlimited alone, readers devoured about 18,000 pages of my written works.

Does that sounds like a lot?

It isn’t.

But nor is it insignificant.

So here I find myself, two years after starting my self-publishing journey.

Let’s be honest; I’m stuck squarely in mediocrity.

It’s not a terrible place to be, I guess. I’m not beating myself up about it, but nor can I pat myself on the back. To be honest, I don’t know what I expected in terms of success. When I started this journey I didn’t have a well-crafted plan, a true marketing focus, or an end-of-line goal. It was just me, a small pile of fantasy books, and a notion that a few people might like to read them.

And yet…

The more I wrote, the more I wanted.

And suddenly the idea of mere modest success didn’t sit so well with me.

Let’s jump back in time a bit. Last year I was at a friend’s house party. I was there alone, no date, but most of the others had significant others. As I sat on the couch, cocktail in hand, I people-watched. Cute girls, I observed. Young dudes. But WTF? Everyone is on their cell phone. An idea struck me right then and there. A non-fiction book. Something I’d never even considered before. Something simple to read at parties, break the ice, and pry people’s noses out of their devices. In that moment, the 101 Questions for Humanity series was born. I published the book in less than a month…and all of the sudden sales started to rise. (Special thanks to the UK for buying the hell out of these.)

So. Yeah. A non-fiction book. By a guy who’d only ever written deep, dark fiction. At the time I wrote it, I still didn’t have a plan. But I did have the drive. Know what I mean?

That was about eight months ago. And today here I am, still pounding out words. I’m floating in the grey space between not-at-all-successful and full-time-pay-all-my-bills-writer. I imagine this is where most of my contemporaries sit. We don’t make enough cash to quit our jobs (yet) but nor are we the sort to publish one or two books and sell them only to sympathetic families and friends. We pay our utilities with our royalties, but not our mortgages. Our sales charts look like roller coasters, neither flat-lining nor reaching the grand plateau of holy-shit-I-made-it.

It feels a little like this. Battling for crowd supremacy. Sparring with a thousand other people who want the exact same thing.

I guess, given that I’ve only been at publishing two years, and taking into account I have a kid, a terrible day job, and an aggressive social life, I should probably be happy with being in Middle-Land. It’s not so bad. I could walk away right now holding my head high, thinking to myself, well, I wrote more words and sold more books than 99% of the population. I could probably give up the art and never look back.

But if you know me…and more importantly if you know human nature…sometimes settling for mediocrity isn’t in the cards.

I’m going to write until I’m dead. That’s just how it’s gonna be.

A while back, I penned a piece about enjoying healthy competition with your peers. I launched it with writers and artists in mind, but really it applies to everyone. The idea is this: if you want to be better than everyone else, you have to BE better. You have to live it, own it, breathe it. And when you find yourself swimming with ten thousand other fish and you’re aching to either push on or quit and try something else, you’ve got a tough decision to make. Existing in mediocrity ain’t easy. It’s hard to push yourself to the limit, harder still when you learn the fruits of your labor are smaller than you hoped for. You can quit and be happy. You can keep on keepin’ on, content with being in the middle. Or you can roll your sleeves up and get ready to fistfight the entire world. It’s your call, really.

Look, this is not where I get motivational. I don’t have any advice to speed anyone on the way to success. That’s not really my thing. But…I do have a few observations:

Being in the middle of the pack doesn’t suck after two years. It probably will after ten.

Having modest success feels a half a click better than having none…but ten clicks worse than earning big success.

Consumers of books and art don’t usually need perfection. They want to be engaged. They want an emotional response.

If you can keep giving it to them, you’ve got a shot.

My point is that swimming with the crowd won’t kill you. It’ll sting a little every day you’re stuck in it, but it’s not like swinging and missing completely.

Or is it?

The End

* * *

Sudden stops are my kind of thing.

Sudden heart-stops, too.

Until next time.

J Edward Neill

Down with the Sickness

By John McGuire life

I’m sick. Have been for the last couple of days. One of those flu/cold things which makes it hard to focus on more than watching the tv. I stumble from bedroom to living room couch and then back again. Today I even out slept the cats (that’s a first).

So this blog is probably as much a result of fevered dreams during a sleepless night and a nap filled day.

This particular version has expressed itself in a sore throat such that I have to hesitate before that first swallow after waking up. I have the slight fever. Less on the cough (though it is somewhat there) and lucky not to deal with the hot and cold sweats.

And in the midst of the painful swallowing and the coughing and general yucky feeling I’m also making that mental list in my head for how I can use this in a future story/novel/moment. The frustrations at the pain of doing a task you end up doing a ton throughout the day. Waking up about every 90 minutes because your mouth is too dry to not try and drink something… only to experience the pain again.

I think I need to rewrite my brain or something. Not every little thing needs to be some form of defacto research, right? I can just have an experience (good or bad) and actually just live that instead of analyzing it for something else, correct? I wonder if other writers have these moments where they view their lives as a series of moments, and the pick and poke at each until they can mine some truth for their future art. They always say you should write what you know, so I guess it only makes sense. Even if most of the time you don’t have to acknowledge it in the moment.

***

Videos vs. Transcripts vs. Podcasts (or “Get off my lawn” because clearly “sick John” is a 76 year old man)

I listen to a fair amount of podcasts throughout the day, but one thing I actually completely don’t understand is this:

People today have shorter attention spans, right? We flip through the channels and Youtube videos can’t be longer than 5 minutes or we get bored.

But here’s the thing I don’t understand… why spend 10 minutes watching something that you could read in 5 minutes?

Why watch a podcast rather than just listen to it? Assuming you have a commute of any sort (or that you go on walks or whatever) you can certainly listen to a podcast easier than watch it. Yet there are tons of people who watch these videos and skip all the time saving things.

How much free time do you people have?

***

From being sick, I have manged to clear off a TON of TV I had saved on the old DVR. I’m convinced that the DVR is both the greatest invention ever and the worst invention ever. Because back in the old days you had to actually be present at your house to watch a show. Even when we were dealing with VCR tapes and recording things, you still had to plan things out a little bit. Now? Now I can record things on the possibility I’d like to watch them. It’s gotten to the point that I’ll end up recording a show for its 1st season, but not actually start watching until I hear whether it has been picked up for a second season.

But, even that isn’t a fail safe. And it seems like just as soon as I clear off these shows, I end up adding new ones. And so the DVR is always about 80% full no matter how much TV we end up watching.

So maybe it has just added to the idea that I’m accomplishing something (watching tv shows) while also being about the least productive I could be?

***

Anyway, I’m running a bit out of steam, needing to go to sleep at some point in order to hopefully show up for work tomorrow.

***

John McGuire

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!

And has two shorts in the Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows anthology! Check it out!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

40 things you probably didn’t want to know about me

By J Edward Neill humor, life

A few weeks ago, the Warlock of Wednesdays (aka: Tessera god John R McGuire) posted a thoughtful, friendly piece about his personal life. It made for a warm read about a great guy. You see, John recently turned 40, and with his article he offered a bit of insight into the life experiences that got him to this point.

Yeah. Well. I’m a little envious. Not of turning 40. But of having cool, warm, and fuzzy life experiences.

So naturally I’m going to steal John’s idea and turn it into something sarcastic.

….just because….

* * *

40 things you probably didn’t want to know about me

1. Every year after my 6th birthday, I secretly woke up in the middle of the night to unwrap and rewrap every Christmas gift I ever received. This meant that for about 12 years, I had to feign surprise for every gift I ever opened. (If anyone from my family reads this, I’m sorry. Don’t be mad.)

2. When I went to middle school, which I hated every minute of, I was told I’d be joining the band. It wasn’t a choice. It just was. So instead of picking out the only instrument I really wanted to play (guitar) I chose the most obnoxious instrument I could thing of (trumpet) just to be a prick. And then promptly spent the next two years being the worst trumpet player the world has ever seen.

The worst part about playing the trumpet: Cleaning the four gallons of spit out.

3. The second concert I ever went to (at the tender age of 15) featured a live sex show. I had no idea it was gonna happen. Nor do I know why they let me in. Thanks, Roxy!

4. When I was 16, a friend hit me so hard in the skull with a PVC pipe that I had a hematoma the size of my fist on my head for about a week. (Special thanks to the random nurse lady who told me the best way not to die was to not sleep for the next 48 hours.)

5. For my first five years of school, I went to a private Catholic gig. I was the only unbaptized kid out of 800. Every time they held Communion, I sat in the back pews and tried to make a girl named Trisha Graham laugh. She did, and I always got in trouble. Also, just like Bart Simpson, I actually had to write all my misdeeds on the chalkboard 100 times. For real. My most infamous chalkboard session read: ‘I will not teach Daniel to say the F word.’ (Sorry, Dan.)

6. The first concert I went to was Phil Collins. At the show’s end, he played a looooooooong drum solo, which was amazing. I’m still not really a fan of Phil, but the show was transcendent.

7. For a while when I was a little kid, we had 12 cats. Yes, 12. And when I sat on the couch, huge piles of them would come sleep on my legs. My favorite: a fat grey cat named Sluggo. And his mom, Airhead.

8. I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my entire life.

9. Or done a drug of any kind (other than liquor and a crap ton of Advil….)

10. When I was super young, we didn’t have a local little league baseball team. So to make my throwing arm stronger, I’d go alone to an abandoned school with a brick wall and hurl baseballs against it. I did it for hours every day, and this routine lasted for years. To this day, I can throw a baseball the width of a major league field and launch a football about 60 yards. Practice, kids!

11. I was once mauled by a German Shepherd. Damn thing almost took my leg off.

12. Until 2006, I wore glasses. I was blind as a bat. I couldn’t read signs further than 10 feet away and I struggled to play all the sports I loved. And then I got Lasik (from the dude who invented the machine, no less) and since then I’ve had 20/10 vision. I can’t even remember what it was like to not be able to see everything perfectly.

13. I have eight wisdom teeth. Yes, eight. They’re called supernumeraries, and I have f’n eight of ’em. The ones in the back look like creepy sideways vampire fangs. Six are coming out soon. Side-note: I’m not even a little bit wise.

14. At Dragon Con in 1994, I stepped on Glenn Danzig’s foot. Hard. In an elevator. While he was standing next to his bodyguard. And he didn’t say a word to me. Surreal, considering I love the dude’s music.

Sorry about the toes, dude. My bad.

15. I have never owned a vehicle manufactured by any company other than Toyota.

16. Once, when I was 10, my dad came to my school in Chicago. He walked up to my classroom and took me right out in the middle of the school-day. Without explanation, he drove me to Wrigley Field to watch the Cubs play a day game. They lost (of course) but I remember that day like it was yesterday.

17. I have four siblings, none of whom have the exact same two biological parents. They live all over the United States. One is a museum curator, another a midwife advocate. Two are married. Sadly, I haven’t seen any of them in years.

18. I was fired from my first job for playing Doom. 🙂

19. In high school I had a haircut known as a Devilock. See below. Yes, really.

Devilock-Haircuts-as-A-Way-to-Give-a-Devilish-Look2

Didn’t paint my face white. Probably should have.

20. Speaking of haircuts, in the last 25 years, I’ve had only 1 single haircut done by an actual barber. I’ve chopped my own hair every other time.

21. I’ve never met my biological mother. Don’t feel bad, though. I had a grandmother who pulled double duty as both the best mom AND best grandma ever. Her nickname: Grambo (For surviving multiple bouts of cancer.)

22. For the most part, I can’t stand reading books in the same genre I write. Meaning I have a strong dislike for most fantasy, sci-fi, and horror books. Weird, right?

23. In high school I handmade hundreds of T-shirts based on metal bands (Slayer, Morbid Angel, etc) and role-playing games. I still have a half-dozen or so of the originals in my closet.

24. My favorite movie of all time is the original Terminator.

25. My favorite book of all time is Ender’s Game. (the movie was awful)

26. My favorite food of all time is lobster (with drawn butter.)

27. Even now as I write this list I’m considering become a vegetarian. I’d still eat seafood, but not beef, pork, or chicken. The challenges: eating seafood is ‘spensive AND my kid doesn’t like fish at all.

28. It took me ten years and four rewrites to finish my first book, Down the Dark Path. But in the two years since I published it, I’ve written and published nineteen additional books. Obviously I wasn’t doing it right.

29. At the time of writing this list, it’s 2AM in the morning. I’m listening to this song on repeat. I’ve had four different glasses of wine at three different locations, driven three hours in the last 24, eaten 5 meals, and watched two friends fall in love with each other right before my eyes. 🙂

30. In my first little league game ever, I hit a grand slam. And then I didn’t hit another home run until I started playing semi-pro ball….nearly 14 years later.

31. The first video game I remember playing in my life is an ancient game called Utopia. It came out for a wonky system named Intellivision about 25 years ago. I remember playing it in my aunt’s room until the wee hours of the night, at which point she’d have to chase me out to get me to stop playing.

This game. Right here. Look at those graphics!

32. At the time of this article going live, I will have published nearly two-million words between this blog, my DDP blog, and all my books combined. Obsessed much?

33. My oldest cat, Sticky, is completely blind. But the real story is in her name. I named her Sticky, or ‘Sticks‘ after the nickname Mad Martigan gave the baby in the old-school movie Willow. And I have no idea why.

34. In high school (down here in North GA) I met a friend who lived about five miles away from me. His name was Lee. After a short conversation, Lee and I learned that we’d actually grown up (in Chicago) only about five miles apart. Small world, right? Wait, it gets better. That same year I met another friend who was born on the exact same day in the exact same year as me, about five minutes apart.

35. Every morning for about four months during my senior year of high school, I played hookie and went to Waffle House instead. And still got an A in the vocational class I was skipping. Clearly my teacher just didn’t care.

36. I have never eaten a scallop.

37. I have a nervous habit of folding drinking straws into triangles at restaurants. I’ve done it for decades without even really realizing it. About a week ago, a beautiful woman noticed me doing it, called me out on it, and suddenly after all these years the habit is gone. Just. Like. That.

38. I can’t sleep unless it’s absolutely freezing in whatever room I’m in. And I don’t mean 65F with a fan on. I mean 50F with two fans on. I pity all the women I’ve dated. Sorry, ladies. My bad.

39. Over the years I’ve been robbed a few times. Once, a thief stripped my cd player and cds from my car. Another time, someone stole all my Nintendo cartridges. But the worst, and the only one I really ever cared about, was the time someone stole my custom bowling ball out of my trunk. It had ‘Ball of Death’ engraved on it. It was gunmetal grey. I loved that damn ball. F you, thief.

40. For almost my entire life, I railed against the idea of having children. The idea of being responsible for another human being sat in direct opposition to every instinct I had about being free and happy. And then one day my newborn kid looked me in the eyes as if to say, ‘Hey there. Nice meeting you. Feed me.’ And since then I’ve been an emotional wreck who can’t go five minutes without wondering how I could’ve ever NOT wanted this kid in my life. 🙂

* * *

Ok. We’re done with that. Now let’s get dark again.

Read this, and tell me what you think.

J Edward Neill

The Mystics

Rings of Magic

The White Crow

Stop trying to make sense of horrific things.

And here’s the scoop:

Today at Tessera Guild, authors J Edward Neill and Jaylene Jacobus go head-to-head in their first ever e-interview.

Unlike most of our super friendly interviews, this one got a little colorful. 🙂

The blow-by-blow is right…here:

* * *

A FEW OF OUR FAVORITE THINGS

* * *

Fin

I’m not sayin’…

…but I might be sayin‘.

* * *

* * *

Here’s the original 50 Things You Should Probably Think About.

* * *

One-Word Knockouts

Robin Hood

It’s Not What You Think. It’s Worse

Fantasia

Hang the Moon

* * *

🙂

The American Dream – A Not So Simple Definition

Dating Audition Questionnaire!

* * *

* This article is mirrored from the original DowntheDarkPath.com blog

* * *

* * *

In no particular order, please enjoy:

* * *

Tannery Row Ale House

Sage Woodfire Tavern (Two locations: Perimeter and Alpharetta)

Rumi’s Kitchen

Brio (Downtown location)

Eclipse di Luna (Perimeter location)

Antebellum

Cinco

Atlantic Seafood Company

Kaleidoscope

Marlow’s Tavern

* * *

Here’s a glimpse of my cat army, past and present:

* * *

* * *

Sadly, in this book, all the cats are GONE.

Warning!

This blog post may disturb you or in the very least make you question the author’s sanity.

I’m not sayin’.

I’m just sayin‘.

* * *

50 MORE Things You Should Probably Think About

* * *

* * *

40 things you probably didn’t want to know about me

* * *

Search

New Posts

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Archives

Categories

*** * ***

*** * ***