I’ve been thinking.
Dangerous, I know.
In universities across the globe, professors teach math, science, language, and philosophy. Trade schools give students the gift of mastering a specific skill. Liberal arts universities offer so-called ‘well-rounded’ class structure. Schools teach many things, most of which are probably forgotten the moment a student walks out the door.
Let’s be honest. In most cases, college isn’t really about learning stuff. It’s about socializing and introducing students to a way of life they’ll never actually live outside of school. Unless a student learns a very specific skill-set, college seems to be mostly not worth the money we pour into it.
I propose a different kind of schooling altogether. One that teaches real-life skills. One that prepares students for the catastrophic transition from ‘living with Mom and Dad’ to ‘living in a one-bedroom flat with an obnoxious roommate who refuses to wash their dishes.’
I give you:
Ten Courses Every College Should Offer
* * *
Breaking Up with Someone 101
We ALL have to do it at least
30 times a few times in our lives, so why not teach it in school? Ok, so there’s no super-easy way of dumping someone’s heart in the trash. But there are definitely ways not to do it, up to and including: stalking the other person, publicizing every detail on Facebook, or dumping them only to come crawling back for a second chance. This class is more about what to avoid doing during a breakup, which ex-lovers worldwide could probably stand to learn.
If just one little university would sponsor this class, I volunteer to teach it. For free.
The Art of Floating Checks
Ah, newly-grads. No marketable skills. No direction in life. No money. When bills are due, but payday is still a week away, what’s a kid to do?
The answer: float that check. And do it well. This course will teach the ins and outs of researching which companies cash checks quickly, and which ones you have a little wiggle room to work with. With any luck, you’ll become an expert at just barely remaining financially alive.
For extra credit, students can also take the Paying Your Mortgage Late, But Not Getting Penalized elective.
#Winning at Social Media
These days, this class should probably be offered in early grade school. In it, students will learn when to post memes (never) when to use hashtags (almost never) and the best time of day to post relationship status changes on Facebook (never!)
For students who want to do something online other than annoy people and leave their friends scratching their heads, #WinningAtSocialMedia is the class to take!
Advanced Emotional Distancing- Class 502
This class will almost surely be a mandatory addition to every college program. In it, students will learn advanced techniques to help them be happier via having nearly no emotions. Because honestly, the universe doesn’t care about feelings, especially those of young people.
The techniques studied will include:
Caring less while not talking about caring less
How not to cry while everyone else around you falls to pieces
Students who hope to pass this class will intern for a minimum of three months in an emotionally unstable relationship while maintaining the facial expression shown above.
Understanding Satire 101
Think you know what satire is? If you’re asked to take this class, odds are you have no idea. Class US101 is designed to help clueless students gain a full grasp of reality. Ideal candidates for this class include students who believe everything they read on the internet, graduates who habitually share clickbait on Facebook, and students who have never heard of Snopes. While primarily for college enrollees, this class is also available as a vocational study group for angry, aging white men.
The final exam in US101 will involve a complete study of the website TheOnion.
Honors Reading Between the Lines
While available to all students, Honors RBTL is geared for the student who has no idea what a woman means when she says, “Oh nothing’s the matter.” All males are encouraged to attend during their very first semester, while females are encouraged to attend the similar class, Manipulating Men’s Feelings 101.
Both classes will instruct students in the eye-roll/disdain ratio, the true meaning of ‘nothing,’ and the length of time you should sleep on the couch. Male classes will focus on avoidance, while female classes will primarily teach advanced techniques to counter everything the men learn.
Due to the large influx of students who either don’t understand the true depth of sarcasm or are easily offended by it, universities across Americas have been asked to include a remedial class as a mandatory elective.
Because…honestly…we all know someone who can’t handle the ‘casm.
This class promises to eliminate all the negative aspects of not understanding sarcasm, including: crying, standing with your mouth wide-open, getting angry, getting butthurt, and not knowing what butthurt even means.
Remedial Sarcasm professors get paid at double the rate of other teachers. Sign up now!
Metaphors and How to Use Them
Honestly, if students haven’t figured out what a metaphor is and how to use one, they probably shouldn’t go to college.
This class has been cancelled. It’s dust in the wind. It’s bones in a grave. Oh never mind.
Urban Dictionary Study Hall
This class isn’t what you think it is.
Students will not be taught the meanings of various modern slang, insults, and acronyms. (It’s assumed students with any value already know these terms.) Rather, class attendees will be instructed in the prized technique of being able to distinguish which terms are funny or appropriate from terms that are…ahem…stupid.
How and when to use ‘bae’ – only when making fun of someone else using ‘bae.’
How a kitten dies anytime anyone uses the terms ‘LOL’ or ‘YOLO.’
The subtle difference between ‘WTF’ and ‘WTF?’ – I’m kidding; there is no difference.
For extra credit, students may also take the sub-course: Sounding Ignorant on Purpose to Appear Cool 101
Introduction to Online Dating
If college life has one similarity to real life, it’s that people don’t actually talk face-to-face anymore. Cell phones are god and texting is all-powerful.
To help students face the nearly insurmountable task of finding
easy hook-ups a long-term mate, Intro to Online Dating is now offered as an elective. Students will learn the finest methods of making themselves appear slimmer, taller, and less out-of-shape than they actually are. Male students will learn why it’s best to wait at least ten minutes before sending unsolicited d**k pics, while females will be instructed in the subtle techniques of ‘ghosting,’ ‘catfishing,’ and not starting every single conversation with, “Hey.”
Seriously though. This should actually be a class.
Other classes soon to be added:
How NOT to use Tinder
Snapchat Filters and the End of the World
Why The Walking Dead Sucks
* * *
*I’m thinking this book should be a standard college text.