This week, lacking any genius ideas, I’ve decided to review exactly seventy-five things.
These things aren’t related. They’re completely random.
They could be movies, television shows, art, cultural phenomena, beer, or maybe even my neighbor’s dog…
My Review of 75 Different Things
The movie ‘Annihilation’ w/ Natalie Portman – Pretty good, but kinda slow in parts. Also, Oscar Isaac has a different haircut in every movie he’s in.
James Vietch is a Terrible Roommate Sketch – Thanks for making me buy my kid a huge box of wholesale rubber duckies.
The Netflix original film ‘The Ritual’ – Liked it. Questions: Can the monster not leave the woods due to the sun? Or is the big beastie forever confined to the forest?
The Gun Control Argument (Everywhere in the US) – Even if you pass sweeping gun laws nationwide, we’re still fucked. This country is absolutely saturated with weapons. You’re 40 years too late to make a difference.
Pornhub – If all the best porn is free and readily available on a giant, hugely popular website, how do porn actors make money??
Plastic Forks, Straws, Cups, Bags, and Takeout Containers – Ban that shit. Immediately.
The Book ‘What I Talk About When I Talk About Running’ by Haruki Murakami – This is how memoirs should be written. Relatable. Honest. Quick. Elegant.
Crawlspaces – Never, ever, ever buy a house with a crawlspace. Go basement or go slab.
Turning 41 Years Old – My knees hurt. Stupid flag football league…
The movie ‘Ex Machina’ starring Alicia Vikander – I actually reviewed this for real. Go here.
Divorce – Best decision ever. Why do people get married twice?? Someone please explain.
Flight of the Conchords – Season 1 & 2 – ‘Business Time’ is the funniest song I’ve ever heard.
Veganism – You eat your greens. I’ll eat a bunch of livestock. We’ll get along just fine.
Apothic Red Wine – It’s really only ‘meh’ good. But at $7.99 per bottle, count me in.
Single Fatherhood – Goodbye, social life. Hello, Legos!
The latest two Star Wars movies (Episodes VII & VIII) – Not even remotely entertaining. Maybe I’m just old. Or cynical. Whatever.
The ‘Rogue One’ Star Wars movie – Easily the best Star Wars film ever. Disagree? Fight me. 🙂
Mellow Mushroom Pizza – F’ing amazeballs. Why don’t they deliver??
The Children’s Book ‘The Rainbow Goblins’ illustrated by Ul Del Rico – If you have kids, read this book to them. Over and over again.
Heavy Metal band ‘Slayer’ Announcing their Farewell Tour – All great things must come to an end. …sniffle…
Politics – If you support one party wholeheartedly, you’re kidding yourself.
The Netflix series ‘Round Planet’ – The funniest take on a nature show ever.
‘Witcher 3’ the Video Game – Still the best game I’ve ever played. (And I’ve played too many.)
Balvenie Scotch – If you’ve always wanted to try scotch, but you weren’t sure where to start, Balvenie is where you want to be.
Mad Max – Fury Road – The best action movie ever made. Sorry, Die Hard.
The website Etsy – I thought it was only for girls. But I joined it and it changed my life. Ignorance wasn’t bliss.
Selfies, GIFS, and Snapchat – Are we really this bored with our existence?
Feminism – I support it sometimes. Sometimes not. Trouble is; if you ask 100 people what it means, you’ll get 99 different answers.
Elon Musk proposing a voyage to Mars – If I weren’t a dad, I’d volunteer for the first expedition. Not that I think it’s noble or anything. I just want to drink scotch on another planet.
The Glut of Superhero and Comic Book Movies – Please stop.
Daylight Savings Time – Please stop.
The Album ‘How the Gods Kill’ by Danzig – The best blues/metal album ever made.
Vladimir Putin – Dude has the whole world wrapped around his finger.
Facebook – Use it for entertainment only.
Twitter – Same as Facebook, but prepare for more anger.
Instagram – Use it only if you have more interesting photos than selfies. (Selfies are ok if you’re stunningly good-looking.)
LinkedIn – Don’t bother using it.
The Movie ‘IT’ – So when’s part two coming out again? I’m not sure I can handle the wait.
Amazon Planning a new ‘Lord of the Rings’ Series – Intriguing. But can they top Peter Jackson’s LOTR movies? Probably not, right?
Peter Jackson’s ‘The Hobbit’ Trilogy? – The decision to use almost exclusively CGI monsters over real actors killed all three movies for me. Disappointing.
Pandora and Spotify asking me to ‘Click the Image’ during ads – Ha! As if I’m anywhere near my phone while the music’s playing.
Chick Fil-A Waffle Fries – Still the planet’s best.
Chick Fil-A Lemonade – I think I just got diabetes.
DragonCon – Fun, but only if you can find a spot away from the throbbing masses of people. Good luck.
The Art of Terese Nielsen – Awe-inspiring. Just go look at it here.
Kentucky Fried Chicken – I found a chicken’s head in my 3-piece meal last year.
Bill Steer, Guitarist for Heavy Metal Band ‘Carcass’ – The best guitarist you’ve never heard of.
Conan O’Brian Driving Mad Max style to Comic Con – I want to cook my hot dogs like he does.
President Trump – People making fun of him on the internet won’t make him go away.
NFL Football – At some point, it became more of a product than a game. And now I can’t watch it anymore.
The Wrecking Bar, Atlanta – The best craft cocktails you’ll ever have.
Self-Driving Cars – Please let these be everywhere by the time my son turns 16.
The Video Game ‘Zelda – Breath of the Wild’ – Great, great game. Abrupt, unsatisfying ending.
Domino’s Pizza – Better. But still not as good as Pizza Hut or Papa John’s. Which admittedly isn’t saying much.
Kneeling During the National Anthem – Unless you stand every time you hear the anthem (including on the radio or TV) your anger doesn’t matter.
Cracker Barrel – Thanks for turning me into a Stewart’s Orange Soda junkie.
Being a White Guy in Modern-Day America – I sunburn too easily.
‘Cosmos’, a series hosted by Neil DeGrasse Tyson – You owe it to yourself (and your kids, if you have any) to sit down and watch it.
The Movie ‘Grandma’s Boy’ – Somehow, it’s still my go-to ‘I don’t know what I want to watch tonight’ movie.
The City of Atlanta – Great food. Good people. Plenty of stuff to do. But the traffic is completely unbearable.
Hobby Lobby – A great store to get bargain art supplies. But the store’s vibe never fails to creeps me out.
The Nintendo Switch Video Game System – Love Zelda. Love the concept. Pretty much nothing else noteworthy. Hopeful for the future. Maybe.
The Electoral College – I don’t care who won or lost the election. The E.C. is archaic. America can do better.
The Movie ‘Kubo and the Two Strings’ – My kid and I had no idea what we were getting into when we hit the theater to see this. We were blown away.
The Word ‘Goetia’ – Bear with me on this one. I needed a word to describe some of my art. And somehow I found one. No, I don’t summon demons…usually.
Granny Smith Apples – Does anyone else think they’re too sour?
The Book ‘Dune’ by Frank Herbert – I read it as a young man. And then again as a college student. And still again in my 30’s. I just re-read it a few weeks ago, and I’ve come to realize that while I love the book, it’s not the epic work of great fiction I once believed. It’s slow. It’s often tedious. And Paul comes off as fairly implausible. Whatever. It’s still good.
The Movie ‘Blade Runner’ starring Ryan Gosling – Everything a sci-fi movie should be. Dark. Gritty. Serious. Also, Ana de Armas.
Ron White – The funniest comedian alive today. Better than Tosh.0. Better ever than Richard Lewis.
Electric Cars – Can they please be affordable without looking like ugly shoeboxes?
The Big Green Egg Grill – Give me a $50 Weber charcoal grill, and I’ll cook you the steak you deserve without spending $800.
The Lego Ninjago Green Dragon set – Four hours of my life…gone. But at least my son hasn’t destroyed it yet. Oh wait…yes he has. 🙂
Waffle House – Without a doubt, they have the friendliest (and sadly, the lowest paid) staff of any restaurant in town. I always tip them 25%…sometimes more.
If this list annoyed you, maybe this will annoy you even more.