The 100 Most Important Definitions in the English Language
RBF – (Resting B***h Face) The expression on a woman’s face when she’s looking at anything other than her puppy.
Uber – A transportation system designed to rescue alcoholics.
Lyft – Definition unknown.
Meme – A limited-scope comedic device employed to populate 97.6% of every social media feed.
Ghosting – Abandoning your toothbrush in order to avoid a narcissist.
Social Media – Where happiness goes to die.
Internet Dating – What people do when they’re in the mood to rapidly judge strangers.
Creepy – When someone to whom you’re not attracted tries to flirt with you.
“I know, right?” – A reply meaning, “Can we talk about something else now?”
Catfishing – Subtracting 30 lbs. while adding 2 inches.
Sale – The same price as before, but with a ‘Sale’ sign affixed above the product.
Clearance Sale – “No one wanted to buy this s**t.”
Salt Life – A sticker adhered to the vehicle of a person who has visited the ocean once.
13.1 – The distance between narcissism and a mediocre level of fitness.
Millennial – A person born between 1980-2000 who simultaneously possesses more luxuries and fewer opportunities than any other generation in the world’s history. (This word’s definition subject to change based on the age of the person defining it.)
BFF (Best friends forever) – An acronym used to define a friendship that will last 2-6 months before abruptly ending.
Diet Soda – A beverage consumed by people pretending to be on a diet. Usually paired with large fries and a double cheeseburger.
Kale – A solid form of diet soda.
Skinny Margarita – A drink created by combining water and crushed ice.
Vegetarian – A word spoken to make waitresses cry.
Vegan – A word spoken to make waitresses commit suicide.
Crossfit – Intentionally blowing out your joints for the purpose of looking good in a bathing suit.
Politics – A cultural phenomena in which citizens argue vehemently about which sociopathic millionaire is most fit to rule a given nation.
Climate Change – The act of intentionally increasing atmospheric carbon dioxide levels in order to generate cash.
Capital Punishment – The moment one realizes they accidentally used all-caps in a message, email, or Facebook post, and now their friends are all upset about it.
Passive-Aggressive – When your wife says, “Oh, nothing.”
Gun Control – The act of pretending it’s physically possible to disarm three-hundred million people.
Terrorism – The act of fighting a war while not in possession of tanks, planes, and nuclear weapons.
“It is what it is.” – A phrase uttered by someone who no longer wants to participate in meaningful conversation.
“You do you.” – A phrase said by someone who strongly dislikes the person to whom they say it. (e.g. “I heard you don’t like bacon. That’s okay. You do you.“)
“Off the chain.” – A phrase spoken by white people while sipping champagne at a yacht club.
Unicorn – A reasonably attractive woman who allows her boyfriend or husband to enjoy more than one beer.
Triggering – Purposely antagonizing stupid people.
Gentrification – The act of raising property taxes to bleach neighborhoods.
Feminism – Depends on whom you ask.
News Media – A large gathering of opinions.
Fake News – Possibly real news.
Homophobia – A powerful fear of penises.
Bae – The name one assigns to their future ex.
Fitbit – A device worn to trick onlookers into assuming its wearer possesses an interest in physical fitness.
Jealousy – Becoming angry in the belief that another person is not in fact a real person, but a piece of property.
‘Self-Made’ – A claim made by a ‘successful’ person when no one else is aware of their privileged upbringing.
DUI – The act of plucking one tipsy driver from an ocean of thousands.
Lactose Intolerance – The act of avoiding milk and cheese on date nights.
Monday Night Football – A television show capable of stretching a 60-minute game to 4 hours.
Soccer – Faking injuries with the intent of winning on penalty kicks.
NBA Basketball – A league of thirty teams in which only three teams have any chance of competing for a championship.
MLB Baseball – A sporting event people attend when they want to pay $400 for two hot dogs & two beers, and then watch the game on the jumbo-tron.
Golf – Long-distance beer pong.
Pornhub – Where married people go for sex.
Politician – A wealthy, elderly white person participating in a system in which popularity determines the right to make extremely important societal decisions.
Immigration – One or more people crossing an imaginary line while in possession of paperwork.
Illegal Immigration – Like immigration, but without paperwork.
Marriage – The act of sacrificing one’s long-term financial future in order to secure 3-5 years of consistent sex.
Gay Marriage – Marriage.
Divorce – The act of giving away most of one’s money.
Hipster – A person who sneers while mocking mainstream music.
Facebook – A place one goes to view advertisements for something they purchased yesterday.
Music – A cultural phenomenon beginning in roughly 4000 B.C. and ending in 2000 A.D.
Government – A large gathering of wealthy lunatics.
Tariffs – A method of fighting wars using cash instead of bullets.
Tweeting – A recently-developed method of governing.
Electoral College – A political point-keeping system designed to empower flyover states.
Public Schools – A 12-year program designed to babysit children and teenagers until they’re old enough to hate their lives.
White Privilege – Not having to explain why you’re dating a white girl.
Anti-Vaxxer – A person refusing to immunize their children due to a misguided love of Jenny McCarthy.
RDF (Resting Dad Face) – The look a father gives his son to make him stop jumping on the couch.
Twerking – A swift method of securing single-motherhood.
Snapchat – Where fake dog-ear selfies and loneliness collide.
Cosplaying – The act of hyper-sexualizing an underage comic book or cartoon character.
Instagram – Where people go to obsess over cosplayers.
AirBNB – A super-convenient way to find a bed on which someone else had sex yesterday.
Introvert – A descriptive term for a person who dislikes everyone besides their cat, their dog, and their one friend who’s fine with hanging out just once per month.
Extrovert – A descriptive term for a somewhat likable asshole.
Gaslighting – A phrase uttered when highly emotional people become angry about colliding with rational thought.
Human Trafficking – A clogged interstate at 7:55 on a Monday morning.
Protest – A form of peaceful social criticism allowed only when it doesn’t interrupt flag-worship.
Children – What people create when they desire expensive, needy, emotionally-draining pets.
Social Justice Warrior (SJW) – A person who fights to change society via capitalized social media posts.
Cultural Appropriation – The act of pretending Taco Bell is real Mexican food.
‘Protect and Serve’ – It sounds way better than ‘Harass and Intimidate.’
Hashtag – A word or phrase preceded by the # symbol. Typically used to divide angry humans into separate (but equally angry) camps or by housewives to boast about their children.
Income Inequality – The act of owning three mansions and seventeen cars without any sense of irony.
LOL – An acronym used to deceive someone else into believing they might actually be funny.
Church – A building one visits to judge his or her fellow humans.
Religion – The large-scale rejection of science.
Socialism – A system of government which includes the pooling of resources to provide infrastructure, essential public services, joint armed-forces, and basic welfare for all people living in a given nation.
Communism – The same as socialism, but evil because it’s used in non-Western nations.
Helicopter Parenting – The act of imprisoning a child within an imaginary ten-foot diameter sphere.
THICC – Someone in possession of a giant ass. (e.g. “My cat is THICC.”)
Voting – A mass cultural event in which people click buttons in a booth, receive a sticker for a prize, and brag about it on the internet.
Lobbying – Investing large sums of money in political contests for the purpose of acquiring large sums of taxpayer dollars.
“Keep calm and…” – …shut the f**k up.
“Literally.” – Probably uttered regarding something not at all literal.
Craft Beer – Beer.
Reverse Racism – Racism.
GMO Food (Genetically-modified food.) – Food.
Organic Food – Food.
Gluten-Free – Lacking in flavor.
…
Satire – The act of intentionally triggering sensitive people.
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Did this make you mad?
Good. Get even angrier while reading this.
Or take a deep breath and try this.
Yeah right. Tell that to slaves. To people who work three jobs for paltry pay. To the guy who cleans the toilets. To the teacher who busts her butt only to get cursed out by her students’ parents. Or just read the evil sign posted outside Auschwitz that once boasted Arbeit Macht Frei…aka ‘Work sets you free.’ I think I know what good old Edison meant (if he actually said this.) But then again, some people believe Edison stole several ideas from Tesla rather than work on them himself.
