40 Things I’ll Never Do (…again)

The saying goes, ‘Never say never.’

What a load of bull$#!t.  🙂

I’ll let you decide which of these are sarcastic…

…and which are deadly serious.

* * *

I will never willingly let Halloween pass without carving a jack-o-lantern.

Not gonna ever drink Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Definitely won’t ever put a politician’s sticker on my car. (or some stupid, ignorant slogan.)

I’ll never write a vampire romance novel. Or a vampire novel. Or a romance novel.

Nope. I’ll never enjoy using my cell phone. For anything. Ever.

I’ll never knowingly drink diet soda. Or eat sugar-free desserts. Or eat a ‘lean’ cut of beef.

Can’t ever see myself saying I ‘believe’ in something. I’ll either know the answer…or more likely I won’t.

I’ll never be racist.

Or elitist.

Or an optimist.

Or probably anything ending in -ist. (except for maybe a starving artist.)

I will never, ever be able to dunk a basketball.

Dos Equis

 Can’t imagine I’d ever purposely let anyone else win. At anything. Even my son.

Definitely never plan on owning a self-propelled lawn mower. (Push or die!)

Not ever gonna be a fan of country music. Or K pop. Or love songs.

Won’t ever, ever root for the St. Louis Cardinals, the Packers, or the Pistons. No matter what.

I’ll never join Instagram.

Or Pinterest.

Or post a bathroom selfie. (Unless she asks for one.)

Never gonna stop hitting on cute waitresses. (Or at least asking them if they read and want to buy my books.)

Won’t ever own a pit bull. Or a ‘rottie’. Or any dog big enough to eat me.

Won’t ever take a definable position on a political hot topic. Especially immigration. And gun control.

I’ll never Tivo anything.

untitled

 I’ll never chill red wine.

Or put water in my scotch.

I’ll never successfully date a woman who doesn’t like death metal. Or at least who can’t name one Slayer song.

No tattoos of names. Or any words, for that matter.

Won’t ever be able to sleep without a fan blowing.

Never gonna leave a restaurant without tipping my server. Even if they sucked.

Not ever going vegan. But won’t ever make fun of people who do.

I’ll never brag. Or gloat.

Won’t ever kill a bee. Or an ant. Or even a wasp if it’s outdoors. (But houseflies and black widow spiders, you guys are fucked.)

Probably not gonna reach my goal of being 6′ 4″.

Never going to meet a margarita I won’t like.

I just can’t see myself forgiving George Lucas.

I’ll never trust a rich man.

Or underestimate a poor one.

Won’t ever play fantasy football again.

I won’t ever enjoy a compliment. Nor be affected by a cutdown.

But more than anything else, I’ll never quit making art. Or writing books. Or putting stuff on the internet to make people say, ‘Hmmmmmm…’

* * *

A while back I wrote about my likeness to Jon Snow (i.e.; not knowing anything.) Check it out here.

Otherwise, creep yourself out with this.

Until next time,

J Edward

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