Repost – And Now For Something Completely Different

I wrote this blog post during my very first year blogging on the site, but I think I mis-timed it. You see, I wrote it in light of the upcoming Superbowl where I thought the topic was completely appropriate. However, after I got a few people who raised eyebrows at me for the subject matter, I realized I should have timed it for April Fools Day. Not because I’m kidding about my Pizza Theory (oh, yes, there is a Pizza Theory below), but people expect weird and wild stuff on April 1.

So today I set a wrong thing right.

***

Please excuse the following. It is mostly a rant about something of extreme importance. You might laugh at it. You might question my sanity in bringing it up. Up until this moment I have written about things like writing books and comics, stories about almost getting killed by hitchhikers, and even about one of my favorite sports teams. However, I must recall Monty Python this week…

Now for something completely different

 

I want to talk about pizza.

Yes, that pizza.

Look tasty? Think again!

Look tasty? Think again!

But first a bit of background…

I am an EXTREMELY picky eater. Wait, no, that’s not entirely true. It’s not like I am one of those people who can only eat chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. There are plenty of foods that I do like. I mean, most meats I really enjoy (save for tuna and salmon and liver and sushi in general). And fruits I do like (save for coconut and grapefruit). But veggies are my nemesis. It would take far too long for me to detail all the vegetables I do not like, so I’m not going to bother.

So I guess I should say I am a picky eater, without the EXTREME in there (maybe – my Mother-in-law may disagree).

I’m not proud. I’m not trying to win a contest. I want to like various foods. No, really I do.

But…

I…

just…

don’t…

BUT I have noticed something due to that very behavior. Over the years of watching the habits of people when it comes to ordering pizza I have hit upon a theory. And with it being Superbowl week this is probably the most timely blog post I could have ever dreamed of writing. I am going to save you a lot of heartache.

You should be ordering more pepperoni and plain cheese pizzas at your parties.

Wow. That’s it. That’s all.

Oh?

You want more details as to why I just blew your mind? O.K.

Say you need to order 5 pizzas for your party, lots of people end up doing the following: 2 Pepperoni, 2 Cheese, and 1 Supreme (like the one above).

And there is your mistake. Only you like everything on the Supreme. Sure, you did the call-out about the Supreme. You covered your bases. Two or three hands popped up for the Supreme. You’re set. What could go wrong?

So what happens is that the pizza arrives and you grab a couple of pieces of Supreme, no big deal. Those others start to get scarfed down because of the one guy who doesn’t like onions, and the girl who hates olives, and so on and so on. Those people who said they liked Supreme? Yeah, they ended up grabbing Cheese because they forgot about one of the toppings.

If I have seen it once, then I have seen it a thousand times.

Then at the end of the night everything is gone save for whatever bits of the Supreme that you didn’t eat. Now maybe this isn’t a problem for you… left-over pizza rules. But what happens when this guy shows up a little late and all you have is 6 pieces of Supreme? And he hates green peppers?

Last time he didn't get a piece, he burned the building down.

Last time he didn’t get a piece, he burned the building down.

And to be sure that I’m not just picking on my vegetable lovers out there, it also applies to the meat lovers. The solution is to be bland. Be boring. People will eat some cheese pizza. People will eat Pepperoni. Just Keep the pizza simple (KPS for short… Trademark Pending).

Plus, it is not a pizza only problem. This is something that is out of control in society confounding me at every turn. And just then, when I think it isn’t going to show its ugly head, my company has a lunch meeting and the premade sandwiches have their DEFAULT ham and cheese sandwiches in RYE bread? Why? Why? Why?

What was so wrong with plain old bread?

What was so wrong with plain old bread?

Yes, you in the back… I understand you don’t see a problem with that… but what happened to the staples: White and Wheat? What were wrong with those two? Why is the default setting so bad? Or maybe, if you are going to have a few RYE bread versions… LABEL THEM!

Though I can guarantee that they will be the last ones taken (KPS in effect).

Now, normally this would be the portion of the blog where I would tie things back into something I’ve learned about writing. Maybe even something I learned while writing The Dark That Follows (available at Amazon). Like sometimes being complex for complex sake is not good. That when you build a maze for people to comprehend it might just cause them to turn the Kindle off or put the book down. Sometimes you can be too clever for your own good.

But, this is too important a subject to be bogged down in such discussion.

This weekend don’t let a good pizza go to waste!

***

John McGuire is the creator/author of the steampunk comic The Gilded Age. The Trade paperback collecting the first 4 issues is finally back from the printers! If you would like to purchase a copy, go here!

Want to read the first issue for free? Click here! Already read it and eager for more?

Click here to join John’s mailing list.

His other prose appears in The Dark That Follows, Hollow EmpireBeyond the Gate, and Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows.

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com

Fools Get Their Own Day?

April Fools’ Day

Ugh.

To quote Gollum – “We hates it!”

gollum

This guy gets it.

 

Here’s the deal. Yes, you’re going to get me. Whatever plans you’ve drawn up and schemed for the past 12 months. It’s going to work. Whatever test you think that you have gotten me on… I am Charlie Brown trying to kick the ball and you are forever pulling it out of my reach.

Congratulations! You win!

Your prize? Oh, someone else’s humiliation. My embarrassment.

So “Yea!” for this “holiday”. Yea, for people dog-piling on to make everyone else feel less clever.

How is this foolishness encouraged? Why?

scott pilgrim

A few years ago, my Mother-in-law called saying that she was on her way to Florida to visit with some friends because her husband had left her (my wife’s Step Father). And it wasn’t an immediate thing where she said, “Awww, just kidding!” No, she milked it. And my wife tried to work through it a little bit. Trying to figure out the details while in complete shock about the whole thing.

Then the punch in the gut happened.

“April Fools!”

To which I said (after I recovered from the “what just happened moments”), “Well, that was awful brave of you. What if we had went off on him and said he was a horrible person and we never liked him? That could have really backfired.”

Of course, that doesn’t mean that anyone will have learned their lessons. I just know it. And that’s just one example of many (that I’m not going to get into right now).

Did you know that the night before I repeat a mantra reminding me what April 1 will bring? I set constant reminders. I end up not visiting any blogs or news sites for the day lest I fall for the latest attempt to make me read an entire article.

Again, congratulations! You made me waste time from my day.

Aren’t you clever?

april-fool

It’s like being told that there are tacks on the floor and we’ve misplaced your shoes… and it’s really dark. So I tip-toe through this hellish day just hoping beyond hope that people don’t look directly at me. That they forget about me and run their prank train on someone else. Just leave me be for 24 hours.

I prefer it when the day lands on a Saturday or Sunday, then I can retreat to my house and not leave for the entirety of the day. I force the pizza delivery guy to hand me the things I’ve ordered and then leave as quickly as possible.

It’s like no one has ever read Peter and the Wolf or something.

<Speaking of old tales… I read that it may/probably/could have originated with Chaucer. So in 1392 he mentioned something that I would rue to this day.>

<700+ years is a long con if ever there was.>

<Well played, Mr. Chaucer.>

And no, this isn’t going to be one of those posts that is so meta that I’ve somehow made it a trick that I hate the day, but at the end I’ll reveal I’m the biggest prankster EVA! And then you’ll feel foolish.

No. That is not going to happen. Instead I invite you to share in my hate. Embrace it with me.

And if you need to get a hold of me, best do it by 12:00 on March 31, because I’ll be in 24 hour lock down for the next day. And no matter what you tell me I won’t believe you. The truth won’t save you on that day.

But let’s be honest, I’ll forget the date and you’ll get me again and dance in the streets…

And I will fume for another year.

 

***

John McGuire

John McGuire is the author of the supernatural thriller The Dark That Follows, the steampunk comic The Gilded Age, and the novella There’s Something About Mac through the Amazon Kindle Worlds program.

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!

And has two shorts in the Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows anthology! Check it out!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.