This week, lacking any genius ideas, I’ve decided to review exactly seventy-five things.
These things aren’t related. They’re completely random.
They could be movies, television shows, art, cultural phenomena, beer, or maybe even my neighbor’s dog…
Please enjoy…
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My Review of 75 Different Things
The movie ‘Annihilation’ w/ Natalie Portman – Pretty good, but kinda slow in parts. Also, Oscar Isaac has a different haircut in every movie he’s in.
James Vietch is a Terrible Roommate Sketch – Thanks for making me buy my kid a huge box of wholesale rubber duckies.
The Netflix original film ‘The Ritual’ – Liked it. Questions: Can the monster not leave the woods due to the sun? Or is the big beastie forever confined to the forest?
The Gun Control Argument (Everywhere in the US) – Even if you pass sweeping gun laws nationwide, we’re still fucked. This country is absolutely saturated with weapons. You’re 40 years too late to make a difference.
Pornhub – If all the best porn is free and readily available on a giant, hugely popular website, how do porn actors make money??
Plastic Forks, Straws, Cups, Bags, and Takeout Containers – Ban that shit. Immediately.
The Book ‘What I Talk About When I Talk About Running’ by Haruki Murakami – This is how memoirs should be written. Relatable. Honest. Quick. Elegant.
Crawlspaces – Never, ever, ever buy a house with a crawlspace. Go basement or go slab.
Turning 41 Years Old – My knees hurt. Stupid flag football league…
The movie ‘Ex Machina’ starring Alicia Vikander – I actually reviewed this for real. Go here.
Divorce – Best decision ever. Why do people get married twice?? Someone please explain.
Flight of the Conchords – Season 1 & 2 – ‘Business Time’ is the funniest song I’ve ever heard.
Veganism – You eat your greens. I’ll eat a bunch of livestock. We’ll get along just fine.
Apothic Red Wine – It’s really only ‘meh’ good. But at $7.99 per bottle, count me in.
Single Fatherhood – Goodbye, social life. Hello, Legos!
The latest two Star Wars movies (Episodes VII & VIII) – Not even remotely entertaining. Maybe I’m just old. Or cynical. Whatever.
The ‘Rogue One’ Star Wars movie – Easily the best Star Wars film ever. Disagree? Fight me. 🙂
Mellow Mushroom Pizza – F’ing amazeballs. Why don’t they deliver??
The Children’s Book ‘The Rainbow Goblins’ illustrated by Ul Del Rico – If you have kids, read this book to them. Over and over again.
Heavy Metal band ‘Slayer’ Announcing their Farewell Tour – All great things must come to an end. …sniffle…
Politics – If you support one party wholeheartedly, you’re kidding yourself.
The Netflix series ‘Round Planet’ – The funniest take on a nature show ever.
‘Witcher 3’ the Video Game – Still the best game I’ve ever played. (And I’ve played too many.)
Balvenie Scotch – If you’ve always wanted to try scotch, but you weren’t sure where to start, Balvenie is where you want to be.
Balvenie 17 Doublewood – smooth as silk
Mad Max – Fury Road – The best action movie ever made. Sorry, Die Hard.
The website Etsy – I thought it was only for girls. But I joined it and it changed my life. Ignorance wasn’t bliss.
Selfies, GIFS, and Snapchat – Are we really this bored with our existence?
Feminism – I support it sometimes. Sometimes not. Trouble is; if you ask 100 people what it means, you’ll get 99 different answers.
Elon Musk proposing a voyage to Mars – If I weren’t a dad, I’d volunteer for the first expedition. Not that I think it’s noble or anything. I just want to drink scotch on another planet.
The Glut of Superhero and Comic Book Movies – Please stop.
Daylight Savings Time – Please stop.
The Album ‘How the Gods Kill’ by Danzig – The best blues/metal album ever made.
Vladimir Putin – Dude has the whole world wrapped around his finger.
Facebook – Use it for entertainment only.
Twitter – Same as Facebook, but prepare for more anger.
Instagram – Use it only if you have more interesting photos than selfies. (Selfies are ok if you’re stunningly good-looking.)
LinkedIn – Don’t bother using it.
The Movie ‘IT’ – So when’s part two coming out again? I’m not sure I can handle the wait.
Amazon Planning a new ‘Lord of the Rings’ Series – Intriguing. But can they top Peter Jackson’s LOTR movies? Probably not, right?
‘Wat? Who be Amazon??’
Peter Jackson’s ‘The Hobbit’ Trilogy? – The decision to use almost exclusively CGI monsters over real actors killed all three movies for me. Disappointing.
Pandora and Spotify asking me to ‘Click the Image’ during ads – Ha! As if I’m anywhere near my phone while the music’s playing.
Chick Fil-A Waffle Fries – Still the planet’s best.
Chick Fil-A Lemonade – I think I just got diabetes.
DragonCon – Fun, but only if you can find a spot away from the throbbing masses of people. Good luck.
The Art of Terese Nielsen – Awe-inspiring. Just go look at it here.
Kentucky Fried Chicken – I found a chicken’s head in my 3-piece meal last year.
Bill Steer, Guitarist for Heavy Metal Band ‘Carcass’ – The best guitarist you’ve never heard of.
Conan O’Brian Driving Mad Max style to Comic Con – I want to cook my hot dogs like he does.
President Trump – People making fun of him on the internet won’t make him go away.
NFL Football – At some point, it became more of a product than a game. And now I can’t watch it anymore.
The Wrecking Bar, Atlanta – The best craft cocktails you’ll ever have.
Wrecking Bar
Self-Driving Cars – Please let these be everywhere by the time my son turns 16.
The Video Game ‘Zelda – Breath of the Wild’ – Great, great game. Abrupt, unsatisfying ending.
The Soundtrack to ‘Interstellar‘ by Hans Zimmer – I listen to this whenever I’m painting.
The Soundtrack to ‘The Prestige’ by David Julyan – I listen to this whenever I’m writing.
Domino’s Pizza – Better. But still not as good as Pizza Hut or Papa John’s. Which admittedly isn’t saying much.
Kneeling During the National Anthem – Unless you stand every time you hear the anthem (including on the radio or TV) your anger doesn’t matter.
Cracker Barrel – Thanks for turning me into a Stewart’s Orange Soda junkie.
Being a White Guy in Modern-Day America – I sunburn too easily.
‘Cosmos’, a series hosted by Neil DeGrasse Tyson – You owe it to yourself (and your kids, if you have any) to sit down and watch it.
The Movie ‘Grandma’s Boy’ – Somehow, it’s still my go-to ‘I don’t know what I want to watch tonight’ movie.
The City of Atlanta – Great food. Good people. Plenty of stuff to do. But the traffic is completely unbearable.
Hobby Lobby – A great store to get bargain art supplies. But the store’s vibe never fails to creeps me out.
The Nintendo Switch Video Game System – Love Zelda. Love the concept. Pretty much nothing else noteworthy. Hopeful for the future. Maybe.
Hi there. I’m a system with ONE good game. Buy me.
The Electoral College – I don’t care who won or lost the election. The E.C. is archaic. America can do better.
The Movie ‘Kubo and the Two Strings’ – My kid and I had no idea what we were getting into when we hit the theater to see this. We were blown away.
The Word ‘Goetia’ – Bear with me on this one. I needed a word to describe some of my art. And somehow I found one. No, I don’t summon demons…usually.
Granny Smith Apples – Does anyone else think they’re too sour?
The Book ‘Dune’ by Frank Herbert – I read it as a young man. And then again as a college student. And still again in my 30’s. I just re-read it a few weeks ago, and I’ve come to realize that while I love the book, it’s not the epic work of great fiction I once believed. It’s slow. It’s often tedious. And Paul comes off as fairly implausible. Whatever. It’s still good.
The Movie ‘Blade Runner’ starring Ryan Gosling – Everything a sci-fi movie should be. Dark. Gritty. Serious. Also, Ana de Armas.
Ron White – The funniest comedian alive today. Better than Tosh.0. Better ever than Richard Lewis.
Electric Cars – Can they please be affordable without looking like ugly shoeboxes?
The Big Green Egg Grill – Give me a $50 Weber charcoal grill, and I’ll cook you the steak you deserve without spending $800.
The Lego Ninjago Green Dragon set – Four hours of my life…gone. But at least my son hasn’t destroyed it yet. Oh wait…yes he has. 🙂
Waffle House – Without a doubt, they have the friendliest (and sadly, the lowest paid) staff of any restaurant in town. I always tip them 25%…sometimes more.
If this list annoyed you, maybe this will annoy you even more.
For 75 MORE randomly reviewed things, go here.
Love,