The older I get, the more I realize that…much like Jon Snow…I know nothing.
Age, experience, intuition…all out the window.
See that tall building? I’m standing on it. I’m waiting for something useful to pop in my head before the meteor hits me in the face.
If that game from the 90’s, You Don’t Know Jack, applied to real-life, I’d lose. Badly.
Want a few good examples of my know-nothingness?
Glad you asked:
* * *
I don’t understand why anyone gets offended by anything. Ever.
I don’t know a damn thing about women. Or men, for that matter. Hell, I don’t even see eye-to-eye with my cat. Probably because she’s blind. Whatever.
I can’t grasp why pizza, cake, beer, ice cream, and butter-slathered steaks are bad for people. I mean…on a scientific level maybe. But with all this science, I don’t get why we haven’t invented perfectly healthy triple-chocolate ganache cake. What the hell, science?
I don’t understand superhero movies. At all. Especially the dudes (and girls) who wear capes and garish costumes. Wouldn’t a cape just trip you up when the worst shit was about to go down? Wouldn’t a bright red leotard just make you easier to hit? Hell if I know.
My superhero mask. Note the easy-to-hit face.
I can’t wrap my head around procrastination. Isn’t doing something right fucking now a better idea than waiting?
I guess that means I don’t understand waiting.
I really don’t get the whole introvert vs extrovert discussion. Does it matter? Help me understand please.
I can’t understand dogs. As in how they’ve managed to enslave so many people to their weird walking, pooping, and biting things rituals.
No one understands cats. I think you’re all with me on this one.
I don’t have a clue why some babies cry through the night. Isn’t that counter-intuitive to survival? Did ancient civilizations go all Sparta on the loud babies and hurl them over cliffs just to silence them? I dunno.
I don’t get cell phones. Specifically texting a lot. Nor do I get the iWatch. Or the Fitbit. Or why runners wear heart-monitors/biometric space-time distortion devices around their chests. Jesus dude, just fucking run.
I definitely don’t get having political allegiances.
Or online dating.
Or dating at all. (Just have sex with your friends.)
I never understood classroom learning. Or professors lecturing. Or 30 kids squirming in their seats listening to teachers talk. Most people learn best by actually doing shit, right? I obviously have no idea what I’m talking about.
I don’t get runway modeling. No one wears that stuff. I mean…ok…the girls are gorgeous. Maybe it’s just about watching hot woman strut around nearly naked. I suppose I understand that. Maybe.
Never grasped watching a ton of TV. It’s 97% commercials, isn’t it? But even commercial-free, that shit zombifies people.
Speaking of zombies, I don’t get the zombie craze. It looks cool, but I still don’t get it.
Someone explain cosplaying to me. Is it just the hoping-to-see-a-hot-girl thing again? No idea.
I don’t get bae.
Or selfie sticks.
Or duck face.
I definitely don’t know a damn thing about Bieber, Miley, Selena, Beyoncé, or Lil Wayne. In fact, I don’t get modern music at all. I’m not even really that old. Why is this stuff still popular? No clue.
I can’t understand how sex and nudity are both glorified and taboo.
I don’t comprehend super sensitive people. Or social anxiety. I kinda wish I did, but I don’t.
I fail to see why anyone who’s not becoming a doctor, lawyer, or scientist would want to go to college (in the US.) Soaking up tons of debt to begin your life doesn’t feel right. But what do I know? Nothing, obviously.
I’ve never understood church.
Or the IRS.
I don’t get speed traps.
Narcissism has always eluded me. Along with Desperate Housewives, Antiques Roadshow, and the Miss America/World/Universe pageants.
Or any pageant for that matter.
I don’t understand why everyone who says they hate drama actually swims in it.
Or potential dates who scream about ‘hating games’ being the biggest game-players of all.
I don’t see why I can’t have a margarita at work.
I’ll never grasp why some people are humble and others arrogant. But then the next day it’s vice versa.
And I’m utterly clueless why some workers don’t take all their vacation. Screw that.
But most of all, more than any of this stuff, I really have no idea why I’m here.
Or maybe I do.
Maybe I actually understand most of this stuff.
Maybe I just don’t want to.
* * *
Want more existential, slap-you-in-the-faceness?
Check this out.
J Edward Neill
Follow me on Twitter: