Five Reasons to Break Up
True Life Tales of Splitsville
Fish are Friends, not Food
Our marriage basically ended because my wife tried to force our son to become vegan.
She wanted him to eat things like grilled portobello mushrooms and tofu steak. You try telling a six-year old he can’t have fish sticks.
Oh, and she totally ruined Taco Tuesdays.
Up to her Elbow
I pretty much lost it when…during a night of hot sex, she balled her hand into a fist and said, “Look where I can put this!”
Some things, you just can’t un-see.
She said she’d landed a role in a local student film. I told her I’d happily give her a ride to the set location, but she insisted she’d be fine.
It didn’t take long for me to figure out what was up.
Turns out the movie set was a hotel room.
And her co-stars were naked.
Just google ‘student porn’ on one of those sites and you’ll probably see her. She’s the one making annoying horsey sounds.
Alms for the Poor
She kept giving away all our money to the homeless people in our neighborhood.
I can appreciate a little generosity, or even a lot. But she once gave a guy $300 just so he could buy drugs. Which meant we had to struggle for the next two weeks to buy food and gas…while some kid sat on a corner and did meth.
I told her to go work in a soup kitchen or something. And then I left.
She dumped me because she said I wasn’t dedicated enough to yoga.
I couldn’t keep up with six days per week, two hours per day of planking in the company of hipsters and jobless housewives.
Also, the music they play at the yoga studio is awful New Age crap.
Now I’m sitting at a bar drinking beer with some guy who’s willing to put my story in his book.
If you want to read nine more epic break-ups, go here.
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