For the last year, I’ve kept an impromptu record of all the nutty stuff my kid, the G Man, has dropped on me. Whenever he asks a deep question, makes an innocent faux pas, accidentally crushes someone’s ego, or just plain blurts out something hilarious, I take a mental snapshot and write it down.
These are the funniest of his quotes. They’re verbatim.
* * *
“Dad, when I turn your age, I want to be fat. Like you.”
“If that kid on the slide slaps me again, I’m going to punch him in the nose. But if the big kid…see him, Daddy?…if he slaps me, you have to fight him.”
“Can we play Legos? I want us to build a huuuuuge tower together. And a dragon. And a green Creeper from Minecraft. I’ll build it all. You have to sit still and watch me.” – Oooo boy. Can’t wait!
“For $106 dollars, you’re allowed to have another beer.” – He held out his hand, expecting immediate cash.
“Can we look down into the sewers, Daddy? That’s where the monsters pee!”
“Can you make the pancake look like a Metroid? No, Daddy. They have three teeth. Like this!” – Rips his pancake to tatters.
“No, Daddy. I’m not Superman. I’m not a good guy. I’m Zod. I just blasted you with my laser eyes. And now you’re cooked.”
“See that little girl across the street? Yes, her. That’s my girlfriend. I’m going swimming with her.”
“If you die, everything melts except your skeleton. Your skeleton lasts forever. And if you’re a magic skeleton, you can still move around.”
“I had a dream, Daddy. The moon was right there. (points out the window to the front yard) It had a lot of gravity. And then it went Boom!”
“I can’t eat this chicken. It has spikes in it. Only dogs can eat spikes.”
“The frogs make all that noise at night because they’re having a birthday party. When they ribbit, they’re singing Happy Birthday to the baby frogs.”
“I wish Mellow Mushroom brought pizza to our house just like Papa Johns.” – We all wish that, G Man. Every last one of us.
“Our spider friend is gone, dad. I think a bird ate him. Actually, no. He just moved to a new apartment.”
“Sticky (the cat) went blind because you yelled at her. And then she ran into the wall. Now she can only see shadows.” – Apparently he’s into dark fiction…just like me.
“Daddy, I’m trying to tell you something. Look at me when I’m talking to you.” – Wait…I thought it worked the other way around.
“Remember that one time when I barfed on your face? That was funny.”
“Ugh. I’m tired, Daddy. I’m out of gas. Can I have some ice cream? Ice cream will fill up my tank.” – Not sure that’s how it works, but ok.
“I’ll hit more home runs if I tell my feet to keep quiet.” – In response to me correcting his baseball footwork.
“Daddy, put your shirt back on please. No one wants to see that.”
* * *
Four years old…the best age ever.
Like epic, not-at-all-for-kids stories? Click here.
Want something to make your coffee table look awesome? Go here.