Thinking I’m 25 again last week, my wife and I went to see concerts on back to back nights. A Perfect Circle and Soundgarden. Very different vibes at both shows (obviously), but I realized that over the years no matter what band it was I saw there were a number of “truths” I’ve experienced again and again.
1 – The “I Pre-Gamed Way Too Hard” Category
You should do what inspires you by singing (shouting along), swaying in place, jumping in the pit, or even dancing like no one is looking. It’s one thing to “Feel the Flow”, and it’s another to “flow” right into your neighbors. Especially if they are not currently anywhere near a pit… and you’re just drunk or high or both.
2 – The Hazards Of Having Seats On The End Of The Row
Look, I get it. This is your first night out in forever. The kids are up your ass all the time, the boss is up your ass the rest of the time, and you just need a night out. So you and a couple of friends head to the show, grab a beer and settle in for-
Right, gotta get a refill. I understand. Especially since you’re getting one for your buddies as well-
What’s that? You’re only getting one for you? And as soon as you get back and I’m back engrossed in this song, your buddy is going to tap me and try to get by.
OK… but that guy is going to come back with a beer for your other friend right? No? Just one for him? And you’re saying he’ll interrupt my favorite song, clearly seeing that I’m REALLY belting out the song, thus completely pulling me out of the moment?
Yeah, no worries.
3 – The Guys Who Think They Are Literally Anywhere Else Other Than The Concert
You know who I’m talking about. These assholes are standing 5 feet away from you carrying on the deepest, truest conversation anyone has ever had before. They are totally engrossed in just being there for each other, no matter what is going on with the band.
Good of you to spend $70 each to do something you could have done at Waffle House.
4 – Everything Happening On My Phone Right Now Is Way More Interesting Than Live Music
Obviously this has only been an issue since the turn of the century or so. I mean, how in the world did old Grandpa ever get by without checking their Twitter/Facebook/Whatever feeds?
Again, Great use of your money. Next time you give me half, and we’ll go outside, and I’ll kick you in the balls, and we’ll call it a day.
5 – Oh, You Didn’t Know? I Am A Famous Director
You know what is awesome? When you see a show and then later own it. It allows you to truly relive the experience and listen to it over and over again.
You know what is NOT awesome? When you have your phone up in a way that I can’t see the show in front of me. All because you have to have a really poor quality video of the whole concert apparently.
6 -I Like To Swim, Into The Mosh
No matter what the band, if the music is heavy enough, and there is room to be had – it is very probable a Pit will be formed. With the appearance of that natural phenomenon comes another absolute:
There will always be some asshole who thinks the Mosh Pit is a way to try and hurt someone.
You know the guy. He’s the one who made sure to go out and buy steel toed boots “just because” and now he’s trying to destroy your kneecap.
The worst part is he probably isn’t even a fan of the band at all.
7 – Wait… Wait… Wait… What’s Happening!?!
No matter how far away you position yourself from where you THINK the Pit is going to form, you will be completely wrong. It is an unpredictable beast set to engulf you in its wake.
You have been warned.
8 – Sometimes Being Tall Sucks, This Is One Of Those Times
If you are tall you will be asked to help everyone up to start crowd surfing. Work out in the weeks leading up to the show otherwise you risk the chance of looking like a complete dick when the person can’t get two feet off the ground.
9 – Always Looking For An Opportunity
That said, if you are a woman and want to crowd surf then ask away. I don’t know of anyone who has refused to help a female “up”. However, you must steel yourself against the hundreds of sweaty hands which will grab you all over.
And I mean ALL OVER.
10 – Whelp, That’s It. Go On And Save Yourself!
When someone goes down in the Pit you’d think that’s the end for you. There are dozens of feet prepared to curb stomp you into oblivion, but that generally doesn’t happen. There is always 5+ people will immediately move to help you up.
Except for the asshole looking to hurt you – stay away from that guy.
11 – I Wish They’d Played Only Songs No One Knew
You know the person. They want to make sure you know the third song in the set was actually a B-side from their original pressing of the second album only available in Germany.
But you know a girl, so you’ve had it forever.
12 – Why Won’t They Just Let Us In? That’s The Rule! They Go, Then I Go, Then…
No matter how state of the art the venue is – getting out of the parking lot is still going to suck.
13 – Hey, I Know That You Didn’t Buy A Shirt Inside
Not saying you should give money to the bootleg t-shirt vendors… you want to support the band you came to see.
But I will say my Metallica shirt from 1994 might have been the best $10 I’ve ever spent.
14 – Philosophy According To The Band
Weed is the reason for sperm… according to Maynard James Keenan (Tool, A Perfect Circle, Pusifer).
Make of that what you will.
15 – Your Tiger Style Is No Match For My Miller Style!
There is clearly a martial art style waiting to get invented. It would be based strictly on being able to navigate a concert without spilling your beer. I mean, I’m not a drinker, and it’s damn impressive.
16 – My Pyrotechnics Never Burned Anyone!
Strobe lights are annoying most of the time.
Seriously. Less is more in their usage.
17 – Yes, That Is My Tent Set Up Over There. No, I Don’t Have Anything Better To Do.
Hey, look at you. You stood in line for hours beforehand all in the hopes of getting right up front when the doors open. And you did it!
Your punishment for standing right at the barrier is being crushed by the mass of people behind you.
Hope it was worth it!
18 – Dance Puppets! Dance!
I get it. You have played for the last hour or possibly hour and a half. You are parched. The drummer is about to pass out from exhaustion. The guitarist is destroying his fingers with every note he plays. The bassist has vibrated his body so he is in an alternate reality.
You clearly need a couple of minutes to compose yourself before you finish melting my face off with this concert.
Just don’t make us beg. Don’t make us clap like well trained seals for you to come back out. We want you to play more songs, otherwise we wouldn’t still be here.
Encores are weird.
19 – I Will Not Be Trapped With The Rest of You!
Who the hell are the people leaving the show early? Who are they? Why did they spend the money? Why did they come at all? What is going on anywhere else that should make you think:
Yeah, this was a pretty good show. But you know what would make it even better? Leaving before the band does!
I just don’t get it.
20 – Without Fail
There is always going to be some asshole who shouts out “Play some Skynyrd!” If you’re lucky, the band will oblige him for a few seconds.
But only for a few seconds.
John McGuire is the author of the supernatural thriller The Dark That Follows, the steampunk comic The Gilded Age, and the novella There’s Something About Mac through the Amazon Kindle Worlds program.
His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!
He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!
And has two shorts in the Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows anthology! Check it out!
He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.