Nine Reasons to Break Up with Someone
First Time’s a Charm
I’d been dating a beautiful girl for many months, but we hadn’t yet been intimate. I wanted to wait because I didn’t want to mess things up.
Five months in, I cracked and we have sex for the first time at my house.
It was great. No complaints.
I went to work the next morning and told her the place was hers for the day. When I came home that afternoon, I found tiny hearts drawn with lipstick all over the house.
In the shower. On the mirrors. On the glass cabinet doors. Even one on my iPad screen.
It was too much. I bailed.
I never really minded her dislike of baseball. Or MMA. Or most of the things I hold dear.
But when she told me she’d never seen Office Space or Grandma’s Boy, I knew the end was near.
Like Son, Like Father
She always wanted to hang out at my parents’ place.
She especially liked my dad.
My parents had recently separated, but decided to live in separate parts of the house.
I don’t really need to finish this story, do I?
Every time he brushed his teeth, he’d gag horribly. I couldn’t stand it.
He’d have made a terrible gay guy.
She gets around better than you think…
My guy was always super sweet to my female friend who’d been partially paralyzed during a skiing accident. He’d push her wheelchair up ramps. He’d give her rides and help her get into the car. He even landed her a job.
I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised when I went to her apartment and found him pushing ‘other’ things.
Afterward, I managed to keep her as a friend.
Although sometimes when I see steep hills, I imagine how easy it would be…
Slow and Steady Loses the Race
She wouldn’t stop bringing stray animals into the house.
And by stray animals, I mean turtles.
Our break-up argument started over the small matter of me messing up her Netflix movie queue. Apparently my favorites weren’t the same as our favorites.
She dumped me over it. It was ok. I understood.
But she never actually deleted me as a guest user. So I’m still able to login and watch movies on her account.
And I get to see what her new boyfriend likes to watch.
A Two-and-a-Half Way?
My fiancée and I lived in a small downtown apartment. Even so, we liked to host parties for our friends.
One night, we ran out of beer near the party’s end, so I walked down to the local convenient store to get a six-pack. When I returned, everything was dark and quiet. I figured all the guests had gone home.
I walked into my bedroom to find my girl in bed with another couple. They tried inviting me in (as if that was the plan all along) but I felt too disgusted.
Even if the ‘extra’ girl had been a supermodel, I wouldn’t have done it. But she was a dwarf – about four feet tall.
Another Reason to Ditch Cable
Several of my buddies told me they believed my wife was having an affair, but since none offered any evidence, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
But then one fateful day I came home early to find her sleeping naked on the couch and a man asleep in our bed. When I confronted the man, he said he was the TV repair man, and that he’d passed out due to working long hours.
I went to the living room to wake up my wife, but the guy slipped out the window.
…and took my TV with him.
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