Call your bookie.
Flash your cash.
Place your bets.
For each of the following death-matches, pick the winner. Fights are to the death, no holds barred. No weapons are allowed beyond those each fighter would normally have. (i.e; Thor’s hammer, Superman’s laser eye beams, etc.)
You’d better be.
Ben Affleck’s Batman versus Matt Damon’s Jason Bourne
- Normally Batman would get the nod over almost every opponent. But this is Ben Affleck, and he looks pretty uncomfortable in his suit, right?
- Both men have equally impressive MMA skills
- There’s a 40% chance they’ll hug it out rather than fight
Chuck Norris versus Godzilla
- Chuck Norris has never lost. Ever
- Godzilla once leveled Tokyo just for fun.
- Neither fighter has made a decent movie in decades
Donald Trump’s hair versus Edward Scissorhands
- If fight night is windy, Trump’s hair has the clear advantage
- Edward won’t have any access to Helena Bonham Carter during the fight
- Most people’s money will be on Trump. Literally
Kim Kardashian versus Paris Hilton
- Both fighters have equally impressive sex tapes
- Paris has veteran experience. Kim has youth (and a definitive size advantage)
- Neither fighter has any other skills worth mentioning
Darth Vader versus Gandalf the Grey
- Gandalf the Grey possesses far fewer MMA skills than Gandalf the White
- Can lightsabers cut through wizards’ staves?
- Gandalf may have issues passing the pre-fight drug test
Frodo Baggins versus Hermoine Granger
- Frodo will have access to the One Ring during the fight
- Also, Frodo avoided certain death way more times than he should have
- Turns out Emma Watson is stunning. Which Frodo probably won’t even notice, since no one ever has sex in Middle Earth
Willow Ulfgood versus Tyrion Lannister
- Willow’s aim with magic acorns is notoriously shitty
- Lannisters always pay their debts
- Willow may or may not have actual magic powers
Thundercats’ Mumm-Ra versus He-Man’s Skeletor
- Skeletor has a superior upper-body workout routine
- No minions allowed to tag-in during the fight
- Why are both of these dudes blue?
Homer Simpson versus Pizza the Hutt
- Eating your opponent is allowed
- That is all
Superman versus Jesus
- Jesus can self-resurrect a maximum of three times
- Kryptonite doesn’t exist on Earth. But maybe Jesus can create it?
- Superman has advantages in almost every physical category. But it’s possible his cape could hinder him if the fight goes to the ground
* * *
For an infinitely more serious fight to the death, prepare yourself for this. It’s coming out soon.
Otherwise, see you around.