Superman vs Jesus – Death Matches for the ages

Call your bookie.

Flash your cash.

Place your bets.

For each of the following death-matches, pick the winner. Fights are to the death, no holds barred. No weapons are allowed beyond those each fighter would normally have. (i.e; Thor’s hammer, Superman’s laser eye beams, etc.)

Ready?

You’d better be.

Fight!!!

1.

Ben Affleck’s Batman versus Matt Damon’s Jason Bourne

Ben Affleck Jason Bourne

Fight notes:

  • Normally Batman would get the nod over almost every opponent. But this is Ben Affleck, and he looks pretty uncomfortable in his suit, right?
  • Both men have equally impressive MMA skills
  • There’s a 40% chance they’ll hug it out rather than fight

2.

Chuck Norris versus Godzilla

ChuckGodzilla

Fight notes:

  • Chuck Norris has never lost. Ever
  • Godzilla once leveled Tokyo just for fun.
  • Neither fighter has made a decent movie in decades

3.

Donald Trump’s hair versus Edward Scissorhands

TrumpEdward

Fight notes:

  • If fight night is windy, Trump’s hair has the clear advantage
  • Edward won’t have any access to Helena Bonham Carter during the fight
  • Most people’s money will be on Trump. Literally

4.

Kim Kardashian versus Paris Hilton

Kim Paris

Fight notes:

  • Both fighters have equally impressive sex tapes
  • Paris has veteran experience. Kim has youth (and a definitive size advantage)
  • Neither fighter has any other skills worth mentioning

5.

Darth Vader versus Gandalf the Grey

Vader Gandalf

Fight notes:

  • Gandalf the Grey possesses far fewer MMA skills than Gandalf the White
  • Can lightsabers cut through wizards’ staves?
  • Gandalf may have issues passing the pre-fight drug test

6.

Frodo Baggins versus Hermoine Granger

Frodo Hermoine

Fight notes:

  • Frodo will have access to the One Ring during the fight
  • Also, Frodo avoided certain death way more times than he should have
  • Turns out Emma Watson is stunning. Which Frodo probably won’t even notice, since no one ever has sex in Middle Earth

7.

Willow Ulfgood versus Tyrion Lannister

Willow Tyrion

Fight notes:

  • Willow’s aim with magic acorns is notoriously shitty
  • Lannisters always pay their debts
  • Willow may or may not have actual magic powers

8.

Thundercats’ Mumm-Ra versus He-Man’s Skeletor

Mumm Ra Skeletor

Fight notes:

  • Skeletor has a superior upper-body workout routine
  • No minions allowed to tag-in during the fight
  • Why are both of these dudes blue?

9.

Homer Simpson versus Pizza the Hutt

Homer Pizza_the_Hutt

Fight notes:

  • Eating your opponent is allowed
  • That is all

10.

Superman versus Jesus

Superman Jesus

Fight notes:

  • Jesus can self-resurrect a maximum of three times
  • Kryptonite doesn’t exist on Earth. But maybe Jesus can create it?
  • Superman has advantages in almost every physical category. But it’s possible his cape could hinder him if the fight goes to the ground

* * *

For an infinitely more serious fight to the death, prepare yourself for this. It’s coming out soon.

Otherwise, see you around.

J Edward Neill

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2 Comments

  1. I must confess I thought you meant Willow from “Buffy.” I would have placed my bet on superwitch any day, even though I love Tyrion.

  2. I must confess I never watched that show, and thus missed out on creating additional death matches. 🙂

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