For though darkness and light may forever pursue one another, they will never catch their quarry…
Fury and the Angel
Or maybe you like the demon on top…
Call your bookie.
Flash your cash.
Place your bets.
For each of the following death-matches, pick the winner. Fights are to the death, no holds barred. No weapons are allowed beyond those each fighter would normally have. (i.e; Thor’s hammer, Superman’s laser eye beams, etc.)
You’d better be.
Ben Affleck’s Batman versus Matt Damon’s Jason Bourne
- Normally Batman would get the nod over almost every opponent. But this is Ben Affleck, and he looks pretty uncomfortable in his suit, right?
- Both men have equally impressive MMA skills
- There’s a 40% chance they’ll hug it out rather than fight
Chuck Norris versus Godzilla
- Chuck Norris has never lost. Ever
- Godzilla once leveled Tokyo just for fun.
- Neither fighter has made a decent movie in decades
Donald Trump’s hair versus Edward Scissorhands
- If fight night is windy, Trump’s hair has the clear advantage
- Edward won’t have any access to Helena Bonham Carter during the fight
- Most people’s money will be on Trump. Literally
Kim Kardashian versus Paris Hilton
- Both fighters have equally impressive sex tapes
- Paris has veteran experience. Kim has youth (and a definitive size advantage)
- Neither fighter has any other skills worth mentioning
Darth Vader versus Gandalf the Grey
- Gandalf the Grey possesses far fewer MMA skills than Gandalf the White
- Can lightsabers cut through wizards’ staves?
- Gandalf may have issues passing the pre-fight drug test
Frodo Baggins versus Hermoine Granger
- Frodo will have access to the One Ring during the fight
- Also, Frodo avoided certain death way more times than he should have
- Turns out Emma Watson is stunning. Which Frodo probably won’t even notice, since no one ever has sex in Middle Earth
Willow Ulfgood versus Tyrion Lannister
- Willow’s aim with magic acorns is notoriously shitty
- Lannisters always pay their debts
- Willow may or may not have actual magic powers
Thundercats’ Mumm-Ra versus He-Man’s Skeletor
- Skeletor has a superior upper-body workout routine
- No minions allowed to tag-in during the fight
- Why are both of these dudes blue?
Homer Simpson versus Pizza the Hutt
- Eating your opponent is allowed
- That is all
Superman versus Jesus
- Jesus can self-resurrect a maximum of three times
- Kryptonite doesn’t exist on Earth. But maybe Jesus can create it?
- Superman has advantages in almost every physical category. But it’s possible his cape could hinder him if the fight goes to the ground
* * *
For an infinitely more serious fight to the death, prepare yourself for this. It’s coming out soon.
Otherwise, see you around.
J Edward Neill