Superman vs Jesus – Death Matches for the ages

Call your bookie.

Flash your cash.

Place your bets.

For each of the following death-matches, pick the winner. Fights are to the death, no holds barred. No weapons are allowed beyond those each fighter would normally have. (i.e; Thor’s hammer, Superman’s laser eye beams, etc.)


You’d better be.



Ben Affleck’s Batman versus Matt Damon’s Jason Bourne

Ben Affleck Jason Bourne

Fight notes:

  • Normally Batman would get the nod over almost every opponent. But this is Ben Affleck, and he looks pretty uncomfortable in his suit, right?
  • Both men have equally impressive MMA skills
  • There’s a 40% chance they’ll hug it out rather than fight


Chuck Norris versus Godzilla


Fight notes:

  • Chuck Norris has never lost. Ever
  • Godzilla once leveled Tokyo just for fun.
  • Neither fighter has made a decent movie in decades


Donald Trump’s hair versus Edward Scissorhands


Fight notes:

  • If fight night is windy, Trump’s hair has the clear advantage
  • Edward won’t have any access to Helena Bonham Carter during the fight
  • Most people’s money will be on Trump. Literally


Kim Kardashian versus Paris Hilton

Kim Paris

Fight notes:

  • Both fighters have equally impressive sex tapes
  • Paris has veteran experience. Kim has youth (and a definitive size advantage)
  • Neither fighter has any other skills worth mentioning


Darth Vader versus Gandalf the Grey

Vader Gandalf

Fight notes:

  • Gandalf the Grey possesses far fewer MMA skills than Gandalf the White
  • Can lightsabers cut through wizards’ staves?
  • Gandalf may have issues passing the pre-fight drug test


Frodo Baggins versus Hermoine Granger

Frodo Hermoine

Fight notes:

  • Frodo will have access to the One Ring during the fight
  • Also, Frodo avoided certain death way more times than he should have
  • Turns out Emma Watson is stunning. Which Frodo probably won’t even notice, since no one ever has sex in Middle Earth


Willow Ulfgood versus Tyrion Lannister

Willow Tyrion

Fight notes:

  • Willow’s aim with magic acorns is notoriously shitty
  • Lannisters always pay their debts
  • Willow may or may not have actual magic powers


Thundercats’ Mumm-Ra versus He-Man’s Skeletor

Mumm Ra Skeletor

Fight notes:

  • Skeletor has a superior upper-body workout routine
  • No minions allowed to tag-in during the fight
  • Why are both of these dudes blue?


Homer Simpson versus Pizza the Hutt

Homer Pizza_the_Hutt

Fight notes:

  • Eating your opponent is allowed
  • That is all


Superman versus Jesus

Superman Jesus

Fight notes:

  • Jesus can self-resurrect a maximum of three times
  • Kryptonite doesn’t exist on Earth. But maybe Jesus can create it?
  • Superman has advantages in almost every physical category. But it’s possible his cape could hinder him if the fight goes to the ground

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For an infinitely more serious fight to the death, prepare yourself for this. It’s coming out soon.

Otherwise, see you around.

J Edward Neill