Category: life

Down with the Sickness

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I’m sick. Have been for the last couple of days. One of those flu/cold things which makes it hard to focus on more than watching the tv. I stumble from bedroom to living room couch and then back again. Today I even out slept the cats (that’s a first).

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So this blog is probably as much a result of fevered dreams during a sleepless night and a nap filled day.

This particular version has expressed itself in a sore throat such that I have to hesitate before that first swallow after waking up. I have the slight fever. Less on the cough (though it is somewhat there) and lucky not to deal with the hot and cold sweats.

And in the midst of the painful swallowing and the coughing and general yucky feeling I’m also making that mental list in my head for how I can use this in a future story/novel/moment. The frustrations at the pain of doing a task you end up doing a ton throughout the day. Waking up about every 90 minutes because your mouth is too dry to not try and drink something… only to experience the pain again.

I think I need to rewrite my brain or something. Not every little thing needs to be some form of defacto research, right? I can just have an experience (good or bad) and actually just live that instead of analyzing it for something else, correct? I wonder if other writers have these moments where they view their lives as a series of moments, and the pick and poke at each until they can mine some truth for their future art. They always say you should write what you know, so I guess it only makes sense. Even if most of the time you don’t have to acknowledge it in the moment.

***

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Videos vs. Transcripts vs. Podcasts (or “Get off my lawn” because clearly “sick John” is a 76 year old man)

I listen to a fair amount of podcasts throughout the day, but one thing I actually completely don’t understand is this:

People today have shorter attention spans, right? We flip through the channels and Youtube videos can’t be longer than 5 minutes or we get bored.

<Though we also can sit down and over the course of a weekend Binge watch some new show from Netflix.>

But here’s the thing I don’t understand… why spend 10 minutes watching something that you could read in 5 minutes?

Why watch a podcast rather than just listen to it? Assuming you have a commute of any sort (or that you go on walks or whatever) you can certainly listen to a podcast easier than watch it. Yet there are tons of people who watch these videos and skip all the time saving things.

How much free time do you people have?

***

From being sick, I have manged to clear off a TON of TV I had saved on the old DVR. I’m convinced that the DVR is both the greatest invention ever and the worst invention ever. Because back in the old days you had to actually be present at your house to watch a show. Even when we were dealing with VCR tapes and recording things, you still had to plan things out a little bit. Now? Now I can record things on the possibility I’d like to watch them. It’s gotten to the point that I’ll end up recording a show for its 1st season, but not actually start watching until I hear whether it has been picked up for a second season.

But, even that isn’t a fail safe. And it seems like just as soon as I clear off these shows, I end up adding new ones. And so the DVR is always about 80% full no matter how much TV we end up watching.

So maybe it has just added to the idea that I’m accomplishing something (watching tv shows) while also being about the least productive I could be?

***

Anyway, I’m running a bit out of steam, needing to go to sleep at some point in order to hopefully show up for work tomorrow.

 

***

John McGuire

John McGuire is the author of the supernatural thriller The Dark That Follows, the steampunk comic The Gilded Age, and the novella There’s Something About Mac through the Amazon Kindle Worlds program.

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!

And has two shorts in the Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows anthology! Check it out!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

40 things you probably didn’t want to know about me

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A few weeks ago, the Warlock of Wednesdays (aka: Tessera god John R McGuire) posted a thoughtful, friendly piece about his personal life. It made for a warm read about a great guy. You see, John recently turned 40, and with his article he offered a bit of insight into the life experiences that got him to this point.

Yeah. Well. I’m a little envious. Not of turning 40. But of having cool, warm, and fuzzy life experiences.

So naturally I’m going to steal John’s idea and turn it into something sarcastic.

….just because….

* * *

40 things you probably didn’t want to know about me

1. Every year after my 6th birthday, I secretly woke up in the middle of the night to unwrap and rewrap every Christmas gift I ever received. This meant that for about 12 years, I had to feign surprise for every gift I ever opened. (If anyone from my family reads this, I’m sorry. Don’t be mad.)

2. When I went to middle school, which I hated every minute of, I was told I’d be joining the band. It wasn’t a choice. It just was. So instead of picking out the only instrument I really wanted to play (guitar) I chose the most obnoxious instrument I could thing of (trumpet) just to be a prick. And then promptly spent the next two years being the worst trumpet player the world has ever seen.

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The worst part about playing the trumpet: Cleaning the four gallons of spit out.

 

3. The second concert I ever went to (at the tender age of 15) featured a live sex show. I had no idea it was gonna happen. Nor do I know why they let me in. Thanks, Roxy!

4. When I was 16, a friend hit me so hard in the skull with a PVC pipe that I had a hematoma the size of my fist on my head for about a week. (Special thanks to the random nurse lady who told me the best way not to die was to not sleep for the next 48 hours.)

5. For my first five years of school, I went to a private Catholic gig. I was the only unbaptized kid out of 800. Every time they held Communion, I sat in the back pews and tried to make a girl named Trisha Graham laugh. She did, and I always got in trouble. Also, just like Bart Simpson, I actually had to write all my misdeeds on the chalkboard 100 times. For real. My most infamous chalkboard session read: ‘I will not teach Daniel to say the F word.’ (Sorry, Dan.)

6. The first concert I went to was Phil Collins. At the show’s end, he played a looooooooong drum solo, which was amazing. I’m still not really a fan of Phil, but the show was transcendent.

7. For a while when I was a little kid, we had 12 cats. Yes, 12. And when I sat on the couch, huge piles of them would come sleep on my legs. My favorite: a fat grey cat named Sluggo. And his mom, Airhead.

8. I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my entire life.

9. Or done a drug of any kind (other than liquor and a crap ton of Advil….)

10. When I was super young, we didn’t have a local little league baseball team. So to make my throwing arm stronger, I’d go alone to an abandoned school with a brick wall and hurl baseballs against it. I did it for hours every day, and this routine lasted for years. To this day, I can throw a baseball the width of a major league field and launch a football about 60 yards. Practice, kids!

11. I was once mauled by a German Shepherd. Damn thing almost took my leg off.

12. Until 2006, I wore glasses. I was blind as a bat. I couldn’t read signs further than 10 feet away and I struggled to play all the sports I loved. And then I got Lasik (from the dude who invented the machine, no less) and since then I’ve had 20/10 vision. I can’t even remember what it was like to not be able to see everything perfectly.

13. I have eight wisdom teeth. Yes, eight. They’re called supernumeraries, and I have f’n eight of ’em. The ones in the back look like creepy sideways vampire fangs. Six are coming out soon. Side-note: I’m not even a little bit wise.

14. At Dragon Con in 1994, I stepped on Glenn Danzig’s foot. Hard. In an elevator. While he was standing next to his bodyguard. And he didn’t say a word to me. Surreal, considering I love the dude’s music.

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Sorry about the toes, dude. My bad.

15. I have never owned a vehicle manufactured by any company other than Toyota.

16. Once, when I was 10, my dad came to my school in Chicago. He walked up to my classroom and took me right out in the middle of the school-day. Without explanation, he drove me to Wrigley Field to watch the Cubs play a day game. They lost (of course) but I remember that day like it was yesterday.

17. I have four siblings, none of whom have the exact same two biological parents. They live all over the United States. One is a museum curator, another a midwife advocate. Two are married. Sadly, I haven’t seen any of them in years.

18. I was fired from my first job for playing Doom. 🙂

19. In high school I had a haircut known as a Devilock. See below. Yes, really.

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Didn’t paint my face white. Probably should have.

20. Speaking of haircuts, in the last 25 years, I’ve had only 1 single haircut done by an actual barber. I’ve chopped my own hair every other time.

21. I’ve never met my biological mother. Don’t feel bad, though. I had a grandmother who pulled double duty as both the best mom AND best grandma ever. Her nickname: Grambo (For surviving multiple bouts of cancer.)

22. For the most part, I can’t stand reading books in the same genre I write. Meaning I have a strong dislike for most fantasy, sci-fi, and horror books. Weird, right?

23. In high school I handmade hundreds of T-shirts based on metal bands (Slayer, Morbid Angel, etc) and role-playing games. I still have a half-dozen or so of the originals in my closet.

24. My favorite movie of all time is the original Terminator.

25. My favorite book of all time is Ender’s Game. (the movie was awful)

26. My favorite food of all time is lobster (with drawn butter.)

27. Even now as I write this list I’m considering become a vegetarian. I’d still eat seafood, but not beef, pork, or chicken. The challenges: eating seafood is ‘spensive AND my kid doesn’t like fish at all.

28. It took me ten years and four rewrites to finish my first book, Down the Dark Path. But in the two years since I published it, I’ve written and published nineteen additional books. Obviously I wasn’t doing it right.

29. At the time of writing this list, it’s 2AM in the morning. I’m listening to this song on repeat. I’ve had four different glasses of wine at three different locations, driven three hours in the last 24, eaten 5 meals, and watched two friends fall in love with each other right before my eyes.  🙂

30. In my first little league game ever, I hit a grand slam. And then I didn’t hit another home run until I started playing semi-pro ball….nearly 14 years later.

31. The first video game I remember playing in my life is an ancient game called Utopia. It came out for a wonky system named Intellivision about 25 years ago. I remember playing it in my aunt’s room until the wee hours of the night, at which point she’d have to chase me out to get me to stop playing.

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This game. Right here. Look at those graphics!

32. At the time of this article going live, I will have published nearly two-million words between this blog, my DDP blog, and all my books combined. Obsessed much?

33. My oldest cat, Sticky, is completely blind. But the real story is in her name. I named her Sticky, or ‘Sticks‘ after the nickname Mad Martigan gave the baby in the old-school movie Willow. And I have no idea why.

34. In high school (down here in North GA) I met a friend who lived about five miles away from me. His name was Lee. After a short conversation, Lee and I learned that we’d actually grown up (in Chicago) only about five miles apart. Small world, right? Wait, it gets better. That same year I met another friend who was born on the exact same day in the exact same year as me, about five minutes apart.

35. Every morning for about four months during my senior year of high school, I played hookie and went to Waffle House instead. And still got an A in the vocational class I was skipping. Clearly my teacher just didn’t care.

36. I have never eaten a scallop.

37. I have a nervous habit of folding drinking straws into triangles at restaurants. I’ve done it for decades without even really realizing it. About a week ago, a beautiful woman noticed me doing it, called me out on it, and suddenly after all these years the habit is gone. Just. Like. That.

38. I can’t sleep unless it’s absolutely freezing in whatever room I’m in. And I don’t mean 65F with a fan on. I mean 50F with two fans on. I pity all the women I’ve dated. Sorry, ladies. My bad.

39. Over the years I’ve been robbed a few times. Once, a thief stripped my cd player and cds from my car. Another time, someone stole all my Nintendo cartridges. But the worst, and the only one I really ever cared about, was the time someone stole my custom bowling ball out of my trunk. It had ‘Ball of Death’ engraved on it. It was gunmetal grey. I loved that damn ball. F you, thief.

40. For almost my entire life, I railed against the idea of having children. The idea of being responsible for another human being sat in direct opposition to every instinct I had about being free and happy. And then one day my newborn kid looked me in the eyes as if to say, ‘Hey there. Nice meeting you. Feed me.’ And since then I’ve been an emotional wreck who can’t go five minutes without wondering how I could’ve ever NOT wanted this kid in my life. 🙂

* * *

 Ok. We’re done with that. Now let’s get dark again.

Read this, and tell me what you think.

J Edward Neill

In Another Life

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“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
― Lao Tzu

Trust in your DreamsIn another life, I’d be…

A ceramicist.

A photographer.

A geologist.

A marine biologist.

An ecologist.

A wildlife activist.

An archaeologist.

A trail guide.

…

What would you be?

20 Things I’ve Dreamed About

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Not so long ago, I lost my dreams.

Meaning; I stopped having them.

Entirely.

I think I know the reason why. But reasons aren’t always important. Instead I think I’ll catalog some of the ones I remember. For my sake. And hopefully for your entertainment.

* * *

A lot of people describe having falling dreams. I can’t remember ever having one of those. But I used to have falling ‘up’ dreams. As in I keep falling toward outer space. I don’t die out there in the stars. I just keep going. Trippy.

Remember the cool spherical submarine James Cameron took down into the ocean deeps? I dreamed that. Except the sub went way, way down. Not just the seven miles into the Marianas Trench, but a hundred miles deeper. I can’t really recall what I saw down there, but it was fascinating…and terrifying.

I once dreamed I met two men in Israel. They each offered me a different power, but the catch was I’d have to use it to help them do nefarious things. One power was to slow time for everyone else besides myself. The second was to become as heavy (in terms of weight) as I desired, while maintaining the same size. Both would make me unstoppable. I did bad things. I chose the weight power, then used it to steal the time power from the other guy. Oddly enough, this weird little dream inspired my new book, A Door Never Dreamed Of.

Ever seen the movie, The Fountain? Pretty good flick. I dreamed I was the dude in a space bubble, and I dreamed it fifty times, maybe more. I was utterly alone, forever floating. I was immortal. It was kinda cool, and supremely lonely.

I had a baaaaad nightmare when I was eight. My recently departed grandfather visited me, only he was rotting, eyeless, and nasty. His guts were hanging out. He looked like the dude from the old Metallica video, The Unforgiven. Yikes.

Less a dream and more an observation. I’ve never heard music of any kind during any dream I’ve ever had. Is that unusual? Do you guys hear tunes while you sleep?

I used to have a specific night terror as a boy, then later as a teenager (after several years of not having it.) In the nightmare, a skeletal shadow hovered over me as I slept. It woke me, whispered horrible things to me, and promised one day it would destroy me. Not just my body, but my soul. I decided later in life to make this critter the bad guy in my way-too-F’n-long fantasy series, and haven’t had the nightmare since. Hmmmm…

I had a recurring dream about a genie in a bottle. No…not the Christina Aguilera song. The genie asked me what my one wish was. (It was BS I didn’t get three.) My answer was always the same: The Power of Persuasion. Meaning anything I suggested to any person, they listened to. It was the ultimate Jedi mind trick. Sometimes I used the power for good. Sometimes just to get laid. Other times I took over the entire planet, upon which I established a seriously dark, tyrannical empire. Fun!

First dream I remember having: I’m in a car driving down a long road I’ve been down before, but can’t remember where it is in real life. Graveyards sleep on either side of the car. It’s not scary at all. There’s someone singing to me in the front seat. It’s soothing, but kinda dark.

The worst nightmare I’ve ever had (worse than rotting grandpa and shadow demon) was definitely this: I’m relaxing in my childhood bedroom. I have earphones on, but no music is playing. I’m at peace, but suddenly every single light in the world starts going out. I can sense the lights dying one by one. And then the outage comes to my house. It’s slow. It’s agonizing. And when the last light dies (a lamp beside my bed) I expire.

I dreamed this one almost exactly as I ended up writing it. I’m a boy at a zoo for aliens. I’m with my family. Everything seems fine, until it doesn’t. If you care, the story is here.

Ever played the game Metroid? Basically it’s a story about a woman alone on a planet full of things that want to kill her. For almost a year, I had a similar dream. Earth needs me to go to this weird planet and blow it up. No one can go with me. After training, I land on this eerie place and wander into some caves. Sadly I never get to finish. I like to think I completed my mission. Guess I’ll never know.

In a completely non-sexual way, I had a recurring dream about a red-haired woman. She was like my sister or something, and I was completely obligated to follow her around, protect her, and to not under any circumstances fall in love with her. All of this I did in a medieval setting. No modern conveniences at all. The girl later became part of the inspiration for the heroine (Andelusia) in my dark fiction series.

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In one of my favorite dreams, I soar through clouds that look much like these. I’m utterly free, no cares in the world. I like to think we’d all love this dream.

I dreamed once, maybe twice, of a great, dark city. The city was newly-made, shiny and black. It wasn’t really modern, but nor was it from the old world. The city lay on a black shore upon which oil instead of water washed up in waves. I wandered the city for years. And found no one. So I painted it here.

Had a dream that the Russian government asked me to end a war. All I had to do was assassinate the president of their rival nation. I did terrible things in this dream, but perhaps the saving grace is that I never got to the end. The Russians didn’t win, and I always had the sense that they were the bad guys to begin with. (Disclaimer: I don’t believe this in real-life.)

I used to have persistent (and weird) dreams of being Lucifer from Paradise Lost. I fight God, lose, and fall. Except Hell in my dreams isn’t scary or hot. It’s peaceful, albeit cold.

Ok. Yes. I’ve had the typical I’m the best NFL quarterback in the world dream. I mean…it’s been a while. Forgive me, ok?

This one sounds like a nightmare, but it never really was. As a ghost, I wandered the world for hundreds of years after my death. I couldn’t touch or really affect anything. I figure I should’ve been lonely, but somehow I wasn’t. It was kinda interesting observing how humanity evolved. I only wish I could’ve remembered all the cool tech I dreamed up. 🙂

The last dream I remember having before my dreams stopped: walking through the rain on a forested mountainside. So very peaceful. If that was the last one I ever have, I’ll take it.

* * *

Here’s a book that wasn’t inspired by any dreams.

And here’s one almost entirely dream-made.

See ya.

J Edward Neill

 

40 Things You Might Not Know About Me

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I passed by the magical/terrible 40 year mark this past weekend. The point in your life you are surely supposed to question all your decisions and really hold onto your regrets until they eat you up from the inside.

Right?

Oh, and buy a sports car, and go nuts in about 1 million other cliché ways.

Sadly, that sounds like a lot of work, and I don’t want to do all of that.

Instead I thought I’d provide some nuggets of information (whether you wanted it or not). A peering into some of the events, 40 of them, that put me in front of this computer typing at this exact moment on this exact night.

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1 – From around the age 7 to the age of 11 I was sick every year on my birthday. For a while there I dreaded the day.

2 – At some point growing up my Mom baked me a strawberry birthday cake. 30 some years later and my wife still wonders if I might want to have a different cake this year (the answer is always NO).

3 – By the time I was in the 8th grade, I’d moved 6 times that I was old enough to really remember. I thought this was a ton of times… and it probably was, but when the teacher asked the class who had moved the most I raised my hand and said 6 thinking I’d “win”. Sadly, there was another person in the class who’d moved over 10 times (I’m guessing it was some sort of military family). That actually bummed me out (losing, not that they’d moved so much).

4 – One of my biggest What If moments will always be not making the 8th grade basketball team. At the time I didn’t understand it, and if I’m being really honest, I still don’t understand it. I still don’t know how it happened as I know I was one of the top 12 or so players in my class. There was some kind of weird point system the coach used over the course of the week tryouts and on Thursday morning I was in 1st place, and by Friday I wasn’t in the top 14. Thursday afternoon’s tryouts went poorly IF you were only looking at points scored. If you looked at blocks and rebounds (I played center), then even if I slipped in the standings a little, it shouldn’t have been by so much. Not making the team crushed me. And I think that not making the team put me at a disadvantage going into high school tryouts the next year (if only by having the extra practice time/game time).

5 – My parents had me when they were 19 years old. They had my brother 11 years after me. In between they divorced and then remarried about 10 years later. It is because of this that I believe Love never truly dies between people. It can be lost, but it is always there… waiting to be rediscovered.

6 – I started reading comics almost 30 years ago. I now own just under 10,000 comics. I don’t think I had any clue of what stories lay ahead of me when I walked into that convenience store and bought those first copies.

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7 – The only reason I ever worked at Kroger was to get my parents off my back about getting an after-school job. It was literally the first and only place I went to. I had the interview that day and started the following week.

8 – Once I became a cashier at Kroger, I was often stuck on the Express Lane. And yes, I hated when people who had 50 items tried to check out through my lane (read the damn sign!).

9 – I met my wife while working at Kroger. Yes, we are high school sweethearts (awww).

10 – I was one of two baggers to win the bagging challenge at our Kroger and got paid to go participate in the district competition.

11 – I don’t drink alcohol (though I had a taste of some over the weekend… and by taste I literally mean 2 swallows). While some of my circle of friends did drink, my future wife couldn’t because of medicines she took, and other friends were effectively “Straight Edge” (and therefore didn’t do drugs or alcohol). So it really was a reverse sort of peer pressure that caused the decision.

12 – I had/have a Kermit the Frog hand puppet. Senior year of high school I brought it out in Computer Science class. The words “John, put the frog away.” might have been heard for the first time ever at Parkview High.

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13 – In all of high school I only skipped class 1 time and only had detention 1 time. I was/am definitely a rule follower.

14 – I was a Jehovah’s Witness for much of my pre-college life. I have gone around at 9 in the morning on a Saturday and knocked on doors. I also didn’t want to be awake if that’s any consolation.

15 – When I started college I tried to keep my high school “after school job” at Kroger. However, they wouldn’t allow me to have 2 to 3 weeks off to get settled in. So I was “forced” to quit. Not really sure why I thought keeping that job was a good idea at the time since it would have required me driving back and forth from school.

16 – I was a DJ in college for my freshman year. But I don’t mean in the club. I worked a couple of shifts at the Ga Tech radio station where I learned that lots of the stuff we played was not very good. But the ones I liked, those got played every chance I could.

17 – I maintain I was screwed out of housing my senior year at Georgia Tech. When you co-op, you’re not taking classes and so are a little out of sorts with campus life. This is less noticeable during the winter months (I co-op’d Winter and Summer quarters), but during summer it truly hits home. In an attempt to be aware of the due dates for the various payments needed for classes and housing, I called at the beginning of summer to find out the due dates. Wrote them down in my planner. And when the time came, called up to pay for school… and was told I’d missed the deadline by a week or so. I wrote down what they’d told me. Tried to be responsible, and still got hosed.

18 – I have had the distinct pleasure of walking in on college roommates while they were… being intimate with their girlfriends… twice.

19 – My landlord (after the Georgia Tech housing SNAFU) actually became my boss about 1 1/2 years after I moved in. He was a civil engineer as well.

20 – I am not good with tools. And while I can follow instructions when putting things together, there was a long time that I didn’t know what a Phillips Head screwdriver was (why don’t they just call it “the not flat one”?).

21 – I know absolutely nothing about cars either. Another one of those “guy” things where I just have to smile and nod and hope no one sees through my half-hearted smile and asks me a question about it.

22 – However, I do love sports. I can bond with my fellow guys over football, baseball, or basketball. But never soccer.

23 – My one fear is probably heights. Luckily it is the one I don’t have to test all that often.

24 – I think I have a mild form of OCD. If I misplace something, I cannot focus on anything else until I find it. I can’t do anything else, and I certainly can’t go to sleep.

25 – The old saying that nothing good happens after midnight is wrong. I believe that nothing good happens before noon.

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26 – I saw Limp Bizkit open for Korn prior to their big breakthrough. I’m still unsure at what moment it became uncool to listen to them. It still feels like one week they were cool(ish) and the next everyone had sworn they’d never liked them in the first place.

27 – I like a myriad of different music. If you were to search my iPod you’d find Slayer, Bryan Adams, Pearl Jam, Boys II Men, and the Misfits among many others. Though if I had to pick the music I listen to the most would either be Grunge or Nu Metal.

28 – I love music for the lyrics more than the instruments. While everyone else is trying to figure out the beat or the chords or whatever, I’m trying to figure out what the meaning of the song is supposed to be conveying.

29 – I love stage magic. I love the idea that someone is trying to show you something which you know is not true and yet you want to be true. And I hate the fact that when you know how the trick is done, a piece of that hope is dashed.

30 – I’m not always the best friend I could be. I don’t always pick up the phone to call someone else, but instead wait for them to call me.

31 – However, I’d like to think that when the shit hits the fan, I’m the person you want beside you. At least, I hope that’s true.

32 – In the last year I have fallen back in love with watching wrestling. I blame my nephew.

33 – I started wearing glasses in the 3rd grade. However, in those first weeks I would forget them at home and my Step Father would have to bring them to me. After I finished writing “I will not forget my glasses at home any more.” about 500 times, I stopped leaving them behind.

34 – After my senior year of high school my parents moved to Richmond, Virginia. But since I was going to go to Georgia Tech and the house wasn’t sold, I effectively lived by myself for much of that summer.

35 – I am a Professional Engineer, which means that I have the ability to actually stamp plans saying they are good to be constructed. However, I have only stamped 1 set of plans so far (and I’ve had my stamp for about 10 years now).

36 – Before I started dating the girl who would eventually become my wife, I’d never been on a real date with a girl before.

37 – When I was in 4th and 5th grade I had a Rat Tail. I still maintain it made me cool.

38 – I am a sap. Give me a tear-jerker scene or anything with an animal dying and I will lose it (no, those aren’t tears, I just have dust in my eyes).

39 – I once saw The New Kids on the Block with a friend. No, we were not being ironic. He had an extra ticket, for some reason, and I said I’d go (must have hit my head). I remember the squealing of the teenage girls more than any of the music they played.

40 – My all-time favorite concert was Pearl Jam at the Fox Theater April 3, 1994 (the one they broadcast). Sadly, I didn’t get to see the whole show as we left when the house lights came on not realizing they were going to play one more song that way. Since then I stay a little longer than I probably should at shows to ensure such a thing never happens again.

41 – Turning 40 isn’t as scary as people make it out to be… so far.

 

***

John McGuire

John McGuire is the author of the supernatural thriller The Dark That Follows, the steampunk comic The Gilded Age, and the novella There’s Something About Mac through the Amazon Kindle Worlds program.

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!

And has two shorts in the Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows anthology! Check it out!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

The 7 best things from 2015

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2015 was a pretty straightforward year.

It had a lot of suck: gearing up for an election, Rhonda Rousey, crappy movies, dabbing, death, war, and the continued proliferation of Facebook quizzes

But whatever.

For once in my life, I’m gonna dwell on the positive.

So eat some of this:

 * * *

The best movie(s) of 2015:

No. Not Star Wars. Ha. Not even close. The best movies of 2015 were Ex Machina, with its subtle nods toward one possible fate for humanity, aaaaaand Inside Out, among the most thought-provoking kids’ movies ever made. Please, let’s not talk about Jurassic Park (yawn) or Avengers 900. The year was short on excellence, but had high moments that might never be forgotten. Also considered for this list: The Revenant (technically didn’t hit theaters in time) and Mad Max – Fury Road (aka: the best action movie ever made.)

Machina

Ex Machina. Wasn’t really a hard decision.

 

The best book of 2015:

Whoa. Intimidating choices here. Admittedly I read less than any previous year since grade school (was too busy writing.) Nonetheless, with attention spans decreasing and the glut of vampire/romance/vomit thundering down upon the world, I’ve an answer for you. It’s Neil Gaiman’s Trigger Warning. It’s a bunch of slick short stories. It’s perfect for those who like quick reads, but who also like sharp, dark, excellent literature.

Trigger Warning

The best album of 2015:

Look. I get it. I know what you’re gonna say. You’re gonna talk about Drake, Adele, The Weeknd, or a bunch of other stuff with words. My full confession is that I can’t stand music with words. It really has all been said before. The sounds are what’s new, not the words. So with that in mind, I’m giving you an album you can actually use. It’s Junkie XL’s Mad Max soundtrack. Just blast this shit while driving and tell me it isn’t extreme fun. What’s better: no words. None. Just booming, thundering, 1,000 horsepower beats. Even my kid loves it, especially the unbelievably intense track – Brothers in Arms.

Max

The rhythms ARE the words.

The best meme of 2015:

Yep. Memes. They suck. They’re supposed to be miniature joke bombs to lighten everyone the F up. But nowadays they’re abused for politics, bullying, and stupid, never-ending inside jokes. So instead of sifting through the trash and finding something transcendent, I give you:

GIFSec.com

The best TV shows of 2015:

Look. I’ve a confession. I didn’t watch a single minute of anything not named football, baseball, basketball or hockey. Not a single, f’ing minute. So I’m leaving this one to you, the readers. What were your favorite TV shows? Because hell if I know. Just insert your show here __________________. I’ll trust your judgment.

untitled

Jake Arrieta. What real reality TV looks like.

Most beautiful woman of 2015:

I know said I didn’t watch any TV in 2015. It’s still true. But I did catch a preview or two, and it got me thinking. Who’s this year’s new hotness? Who the F really cares? But since I made this a category, we’re going with that girl from that new show. I’m talking about Krysten Ritter. Followed closely by Rosie Huntington Whiteley. Yeah. I know. Rosie’s another nod to Mad Max. Shut up. 🙂 Anyway, Krysten really is stunning. Just look at her sulking here. If you can sulk and still be attractive, you’ve done something. Also a close runner up: Jan from the Toyota commercials. No kidding.

Krysten

Really? Right here on the train? Ok, girl from that show. If you insist.

Most handsome guy of 2015:

Who the F cares?

🙂

 

* * *

This got really sarcastic, really quickly.

Cut the sarcasm out of your life with some deadly serious fun. Right here.

J Edward Neill

Resolutions, 2016

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Time again for my look ahead/look back. It’s where I like to sit down and judge what I managed to do, what things didn’t get done, and then push onto next year.

I have so many things that I would like to do. So many ideas for books and stories and comics. Most of the time I’m not fighting time or money, but fighting my own brain. Trying to get focused can be the biggest problem of them all.

[Of course having more time and money wouldn’t hurt. :)]

writing

 

So first, the look back at 2015:

The Edge of the World – Finish the 1st draft. Finish a 2nd draft. Get to Beta Readers. Possibly get an editor by end of year.

Yeah, if 2015 taught me anything it taught me that a story will take as many words, as many pages, and as many hours as it wants. My desires and schedules will be damned in this process. I wrote about it a bit here, but the big thing was that I thought I was closer to the end than I really was, so not finishing the 1st draft until November was difficult.

[The always fun thing of “When are you going to be finished with that book?”… “Soon.”]

That said, I did end up doing a partial edit on about 2/3 of the book. I wouldn’t call it a 2.0 edit, but it might be 1.25 or 1.5.

Regardless I am extremely proud of having finished another draft of another novel. I know that these things don’t just appear overnight but take tons of “butt in chair” time. So I’ll give myself an A.

The White Effect – Revise the current draft with all the Beta Reader notes I have. Identify potential Editors/Agents to Query. Draft query letter. Start that process.

This has begun, but that’s about all I can say at this point. Work in progress type of thing. We’ll call this one “Incomplete”.

Veronica Mars Kindle Worlds Novella II – We have the outline, I just need to put some words on the page now. It is 3rd on the list for a reason though.

Finished the 1st draft. Waiting on the co-writer’s edits/thoughts. This gets a solid B.

Hollow Empire II – Begin those discussions in the next couple of weeks. Begin outlines, drafts, and maybe, just maybe get it out by end of year? Maybe it could be a Fall release every year?

No movement on Hollow Empire. I was busy with Edge of the World, and he was busy with… not sleeping and writing 1 billion words this year. So, yeah, it might be time to start bugging Mr. Neill again. I get an F on this one.

The Dark That Follows Sequel – Originally I wasn’t going to try to fit this in this year, but I have an idea for this and a third book, so I’m hopeful to have a 1st draft done.

Wow… I had this on the list? Whoa. Yeah, this didn’t happen. A big ole’ F for that one. Talk about eyes bigger than my stomach!

Unstuck – A series of novellas I would like to get done about people who are outliers in the timestream… abandoned by their own timelines. Each one would be about 25k words, and right now I have 3 of them roughed out. My guess is having one done by end of the year is a resonable goal (though I could easily see it getting squeezed out by the above).

I knew this was on the list… not started, but lots of notes being gathered. And it got pushed back because of another project (see below). So I’ll say I get a D minus for this one (but with a legit excuse).

S.O.U.L. Mate – Something that did not exist in any portion of my mind last January. A full outline has been written. The damn thing came in a blur over the course of a day. Fully formed. Beginning/middle/end… just like that. And that really caused the Unstuck stories to get slid back on my schedule.

Work has commenced on it.

Shorts – 4 more shorts, to be finished. Online magazine submissions (get on it McGuire!). Start that train a moving.

3 shorts written. Two of which are in a short story collection: Machina Obscurum (you should check it out!).

Machina Front Cover

I have started the online magazine submissions. No success yet, but it is in progress. I’ll call this a solid B (unless I can write one more short in the next couple of days!).

Comics –

Gilded Age – It is my hope to have issues 2, 3, & 4 out this year. Of course, that was my hope for this last year. Either way, I will be finishing up the scripts for 3 & 4 in the next couple of weeks.

I am Jack’s broken record. The issues aren’t out.

Boo!!!

However, I did finish issue 3 and 4. Issue 2 and 3 have been drawn, inked, and colored (they merely need the words added to their pages and they will be all but done). Issue 2 even has a cover.

So I’m going to give myself an A for getting my part done, and continue to cross my fingers about the last issue.

Tiger Style – Issue 2?

I must admit, this is completely out of my hands at this point. I may be 100 before this comes out (sad Panda).

The Crossing – A comic I’m co-writing with Robert Jeffrey II… if we can secure an artist, then I think we can get something going. I don’t want to put an absolute number on issues or scripts or anything. If this is solid this year I’d be happy.

No real movement, but lots of good work done on the first issue due to Oni Press’s open submissions. So a little bit of movement, but I believe we can make something happen in 2016 if we push it hard enough. Sadly I need to give me a C on this one.

Blogging – Let’s keep it going for another 52 weeks.

And with this post I made it! A++++!

Mystery Short Film

I mentioned this one during the Halfway Blog Post. A pleasant surprise, and perhaps a little bit more work set in that world coming up in 2016. Again, one of those things I had no idea was coming, but am so happy it did!

keep-calm-and-welcome-to-year-4

Goals for 2016

S.O.U.L. Mate

Finish 1st draft. Finish 2nd draft. Hire editor.

A big piece of next year. One thing that should help is that it isn’t nearly as long as Edge ended up being.

The Dark That Follows 2

It’s well past time to write the sequel. 1st draft of that to be done.

The Crossing Comic

I think having an updated pitch and sample script shopped out there is probably the goal for this year.

The White Effect

To send out query letters. To investigate publishing options.

I can’t control whether or not an agent or editor might take me on. But I can control getting this into some people’s hands to increase the chance of such a thing happening.

The Edge of the World

Finish 2nd draft. Hire Editor. Get cover done.

Right now I’m leaning towards self-publishing this one, but that may change as the year goes on (if things break one way or another).

Mystery Comic

The Mystery Comic is based on the Mystery Short Film above. My goal on this is to get that first issue done, and then cross my fingers that more will be asked of me.

calvin and hobbes-resolutions

Really I just want to be Calvin, I already have two orange cats.

 

Short Stories

Write 4 more shorts. And really set up a system for getting them out into the world (submissions, etc.). Plus these can provide a nice break from the longer formatted things.

Blogging

As ever, I want to continue to put out a weekly blog. Not miss a week. Keep the streak alive. In hopes of achieving this I’m going to try to have a couple in the bank at any time as there are those Tuesday nights when inspiration has been a bit lacking.

I want to add like 4 more things to this list. My writing To-Do is a long string of plans and hopes and dreams. I just have to put butt in the chair.

***

John McGuire

John McGuire is the author of the supernatural thriller The Dark That Follows, the steampunk comic The Gilded Age, and the novella There’s Something About Mac through the Amazon Kindle Worlds program.

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!

And has two shorts in the Machina Obscurum – A Collection of Small Shadows anthology! Check it out!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

My Commitment to Ending the World

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So…

It’s a common theme nowadays that writers (or any artists, for that matter) aren’t in competition with one another. That we’re all pals in the industry. That we’re fighting on the same side to haul readers into our books collectively.

Just wander around Twitter or Facebook or any haunted electric highway and you’ll see stuff like:

BadMeme1

or

Meme2

or

untitled

I could probably dig up a thousand of these. And it’d be barely scratching the surface. I guess these are nice sentiments…maybe. They create friendships. They foster collaboration. They bring people together.

And I reject them completely.

*

Before we do battle, let’s be clear about some lines in the sand. We’re not talking about artists and writers who create for fun. If someone publishes a lone book or series and then wants to wander back into a normal existence, that’s cool. If they want to stop, collaborate, and listen, it’s worth supporting. And we’re also not talking about those wonderful people who create with the intent to be non-profit. If an artist’s goal is to put out a steady stream of awesome simply for the love, who couldn’t support that? It’s free, after all. Those who desire it don’t have to give up any resources. Any cash. Any moolah.

As for the rest of you, I adore you like brothers and sisters. But let’s be clear that we are in fact competing with one another. No…that’s too mild. We’re at war.

ZillaKong

Godzilla vs King Kong. Twilight vs Blade. Plants vs Zombies. Me vs YOU.

In any given market, any segment of any economy, there’s a little thing called market share. You’ve heard of it. If there’s X amount of money available to be spent on resource Y, companies A, B, and C are all gonna fight each other to the death to control Y and earn X. Sure, they might be pals after hours. They might drink together, hit the golf course as a foursome, and sleep with each other’s spouses. But when they’re on the clock, make no mistake. They’re gunning for one another’s throats.

To counter this argument, the artist might say to herself, “But J, you poor malcontent, in the world of art and written words, Y is limitless. Art has no boundaries.”

Nada. Negative. Nope. Y is not limitless. Art created with the intent to make a living has boundaries. These boundaries are malleable. They move. But they exist. And moreover, despite the fact that every living human seems to want to write a book these days, there is a limited supply of quality available.

More to the point: just like in all other markets everywhere, X (money) will always have a finite value.

And X is exactly the hill we’re fighting to climb.

Look. It’s true. I savor artistic collaboration. It helped things like this and this see the light of day. It keeps artists talking, moving, and colliding. Sharing other writers’ works is a great endeavor. The best conversations happen between those with a similar purpose, whose visions align, and whose swords are sharpened at the same millstone.

But make no mistake; we’re still doing battle.

*

Think on these, fellow artistic warriors:

Those of us who give a damn, who really want a career out of writing/painting/sculpting/fighting, want to be the best. And nothing less

We want to be the mofo who makes it, not the one forced back into a boring ‘real’ job

We want the fruits of our labor front and center, and we desire to dethrone the Twilights, the Mockingbirds, and the 50 Shades of WTFever

We care more. We work harder. We don’t do easy satisfaction

And though we may smile for one another’s successes, we tend to get a little green when we see it

*

If you’ve no idea what I’m talking about, be at peace. This battle isn’t for you. Walk the tranquil path of creating without fear. That you desire to make beautiful things just for the sake of it is commendable. It’s enviable. It’s sublime. But for everyone else, everyone fighting for Y and X, don’t be deceived. Don’t lull yourself into a false sense of we’re-all-on-the-same-team. Reject any meme suggesting you need to be BFF’s with other writers or that you shouldn’t at least try to out-write, out-paint, and out-create the fuck out of everyone else. You are in a competition. You don’t want to be the third-string quarterback, the benchwarmer, the artist sitting on the sideline.

So stop kidding yourself.

You’re committed to this battle.

And when the world ends, you want to be remembered.

* * *

If that was too harsh, try something fun.

If it wasn’t harsh enough, this might be for you.

J Edward Neill

 

My Top 7 Video Games of the Modern Era

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A billion years ago, I hurled up a list of my Top 6 Video Games of all time.

 It’s time to expand on that idea. Refresh it. Modernize it.

Since the birth of my son, my availability to play games has been seriously reduced. As in, it’s fallen off a cliff. I used to be an addict, throw giant Halo parties, and stay up way past everyone’s bedtime. But now when I add in writing and painting, I’m limited to about 3.5 minutes of Xbox time every other night. I even go to the local arcades just like the arcade places in toronto once in a week to play some of my favorite games.

Even so…

I manage to squeeze a little in.

Here are my top 7 games from the last five or so years. These aren’t my favorites of all time, but they’re pretty damn awesome. After writing a few thousand words, slathering up a new canvas, or pounding down a few drinks, I reward myself with these. They’re like little electronic elixirs. They’re delicious.

 

PVZ

 

#7 – Plants versus Zombies (The original)

Don’t judge me. I know it’s a kids’ game. I get that it’s easy, cute, and totally contrary to the super-grim stuff I usually like. Despite all this, PvZ had me hooked within 3 seconds of meeting Crazy Dave. If Walking Dead had pea-shooters and potato mines, I might watch it. Nah…prolly not.

 

 

Halo

#6 – Halo – The Master Chief Collection

Normally I’d never consider a shooter for a top game. I liked Borderlands and Gears of War and all, but only as time-killers. Halo is somehow different. What I really love about the entire series is the story, the smoothness, and the ability to kill get killed by my friends for hours on end while pounding whiskey. And now that they bundled all the games into one giant package (which an awesome friend gave me as a gift) I’m hooked again.

 

Shadow Complex

#5 – Shadow Complex

For the uninitiated, Shadow Complex is an old school side-scroller set in the near future. It’s a splash of Metroid, a dash of Contra, and a tiny droplet of Mega Man. It’s too short a game to be considered higher than spot #5, but it’s still awesome for what it is. Quick, dirty fun. You get to blow stuff up and use your brain at the same time. Hard to beat a puzzle game that includes rocket launchers.

 

Half Life

 

#4 –  The entire Half-Life series (On the Orange Box)

Ok. So I know I said I didn’t much care about shooters. You got me there. But Half-Life is more than a shooter. It’s got the best (and most tragically human) story. It’s got a physics engine rivaling super-modern games. And it’s got headcrabs. I mean…who doesn’t want a game with headcrabs? And giant, skyscraping robots? And a protagonist who uses a fucking crowbar? Half-life = #winning

Limbo

#3 – Limbo

If Limbo were a full 10-15 hour experience, it might take top honors. The first time I saw the spider, I shat myself. The game only lasted a few hours (if that) but I must’ve died 4,000 times. It’s all so bloody perfect. Limbo has the atmosphere, the puzzles, and the perfectly-paced action to keep a dude like me hypnotized. It actually helped inspire a few of my paintings, including this one.

Thief

# 2 – Thief 4

I might get killed for this one. Back in 2004, I fell in love with Eidos’ Thief, Deadly Shadows. The game’s whole mythology hooked me. So when the newest Thief came out, I gobbled it up. Well: The game was buggy, easy to get lost & confused in, and sometimes unfair. Didn’t bother me a bit. Thief retained the shadowy atmosphere of the original game. I got to steal gold from assholes. I got to swoop down from rooftops and maul unsuspecting guards. If they still cried out, ‘Taffer!’ right before dying, I might’ve bumped this game to #1. And the real catch: I couldn’t even finish it. My Xbox crashed and deleted my save data before the end. One day I’ll return to it. One day.

 

untitled

#1. The Witcher III – Wild Hunt

In the history of ranking video games, this decision is easiest of all. The Witcher III is the perfect game. It has a sprawling landscape that feels even huger than Skyrim. It has deadly, precise combat. It has magic, alchemy, and character customization unrivaled in the business. It’s got a killer soundtrack, beautiful graphics, and a storyline that feels like an entire trilogy of really good movies. I wish I had more time to drown in this game. It’s as good as anything I’ve ever played…or am likely to play in the future. If you like RPG’s, get it. If you like video games at all…get it.

Honorable Mentions:

Mass Effect 3 (Like playing a great sci-fi movie)

Doom 3

Portal (The cake is a lie)

Games Everyone Else Loves that Bore Me to Tears:

Dragon Age Inquisition (The first one was the only good one)

Minecraft (They made tedium into a game)

Grand Theft # 5,000,000, Assassin’s Creed # 700, and Maddon 3016 (Yawn)

 * * *

So. You say you like video games? Test your knowledge with this quiz.

J Edward Neill

Sleep, Perchance…

  By ,

Alarm off. A slow glance at the clock. The time flickers a thought in my head.

That can’t be right. Close my eyes again as if the sheer act of doing so will change what they witnessed. A slow peek before I’m careening out of bed. A mad scramble of clothes and contacts and “did I shower last night?” and deodorant and shaving and finding a shirt and…

Dragon Clock

It’s already past the countdown clock moment. Now it becomes the beginnings of a true decision. Formulas scream through my brain.

How long is the trip?

When is it too late?

Damn… missed class again…

***

Many years ago Chad told me that he preferred nightmares to pleasant dreams. The very concept made little sense to me at the time.

“Why?”

“Because when I wake up from a “great” dream, I’m back in the real world where things are inevitably worse than the worlds I had just visited. But with a nightmare, I have absolute and utter relief, because my waking life is so much better then any nightmare.

“Suddenly I’m happy to be awake!”

***

I struggle to fall asleep. Not stay asleep… oh, no. That is well taken care of. I tend to stay up too late and want more than my allotted eight hours the next day.

***

Henry Rollins said that you either sleep or you don’t – but you can’t catch up.

***

I respectfully disagree with that sentiment.

***

Your body knows when enough is enough. When you’ve pushed yourself. When you have burned that candle down to nothing but a pool of wax and a long-forgotten wick.

That’s when you need to let yourself catch up.

candle-579580_1920

***

Tonight, I don’t want to sleep. I want to stay up, looking down the internet rabbit hole – wondering where it will take me. I wonder if ancient scholars had the same feeling reading the same obscure text.

Sadly I’m reading about football or baseball or something else not quite so grand.

My nightly ritual where I put it off as long as possible. One more minute. Five more. Let me just finish this article. Where is that link going to take me? What about this video on something from 1 year ago. Five years ago. 100 years ago.

Yeah, I could wait until the next day, but then the information couldn’t swim through my head waiting to greet me in my dreams.

I need to know RIGHT NOW!

***

Reality vs. Dreams? What is the difference really? What if the world ceased to exist when we closed our eyes? And then the very act of opening them created a whole new world?

city in the sky

***

In dreams we are the creator, not always in control, true, but building.

Yet, I have to wonder. Is that actually a truth or just something I believe without real proof?

If that was true, why would I set the clock to a point where I’m late for class? Why torture myself when it is nothing but mental 1s and 0s of my own personal Matrix? What good does it do my body to send that familiar rush of fear and anxiety through my body?

***

What if it were the opposite? What if we are only the creators when we are awake? What if when we shut our eyes that was the real world(s)? That’s why we don’t have control over it. That’s why we can’t get off the railroaded path provided to us.

As strange as that reality might be where physics no longer works the way you think it should. Where people you’ve not seen in years suddenly have different personalities than you are used to. Your wife recognizes you, but she’s different and the same and…

***

We have to follow Alice down that damn rabbit hole no matter what.

***

Another friend in high school once commented that he woke up early (most weekends) because he was afraid of missing something. Better to be awake for whatever exciting/important/whatever thing than to not be.

As if the world ceased to exist when we shut our eyes.

***

The world continues to exist when we shut our eyes.

***

Doesn’t it?

 

***

John McGuire

John McGuire is the author of the supernatural thriller The Dark That Follows, the steampunk comic The Gilded Age, and the novella There’s Something About Mac through the Amazon Kindle Worlds program.

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

Five Things that Keep Me Going

  By

Age 9When I began thinking about this week’s post, I toyed with the idea of having a painfully open discussion about how awful I’m feeling, but it serves no purpose to dwell on that darkness. I’m not afraid to reveal I’m struggling, that I have struggled for many years. It’s part brain chemistry and part circumstance, i.e. life. I’m a creative, passionate person who is far too sensitive for the world. I feel immense joys and sometimes suffocating lows. I also have an empathy dial set to maximum. It’s just who I am.

Sometimes, I think I’m overly connected to life–all life on this swirling marble. You can imagine now how I’ve been feeling these last seven days. It’s not something I can turn off. I’ve done that with medication (many different medications) and all it achieved was numbness and an inability to create art. So I deal with the up’s and down’s in my own way. There were many times as a teenager I dreamed of just leaving. I wanted to pack a bag, walk into the woods and not look back. Not so easy to do. I probably would have died of exposure or animal attack. Here are five things I can do and they’ve helped me pull through the dark times (and those times do always pass).

1. I’ve stopped watching all television news. So much of the media has become toxic and even untrustworthy. I know what’s happening in the world–I try to focus on knowing and not feeling. This doesn’t fully work, but it tones down my tendency to internalize the death and suffering going on in the world. It hurts but it doesn’t bury me.

Autumn Skies by Amanda Makepeace

2. I get out of the house. I go for walks. When I can, I go for walks in the woods. I collect feathers, stones and other bits of nature. I watch the clouds drift in the sky.

Family3. I take a break from Facebook. <– Everyone should unplug from that hell mouth from time to time. I fully support social media holidays.

4. I listen to music while I paint. I didn’t always do this. It’s something I began doing about 5 years ago and I’ve been happier for it. Preferably I like to pop in earbuds so I can completely shut everything else out.

5. I try to focus on happy distractions. My daughter. My cats. A video game I love. A book. A movie. Fan art. Fan fiction.

***

So, if you see me go quiet on social media it’s because I need to take care of myself for a bit. If I don’t comment on humanity’s obsession with hate and the mass murders going on around the world, it’s because I’m drowning in the pain. I have to process that pain. Channel it. Let it move through me and past me, so I’m left in one piece.

“At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.”

-Frida Kahlo

Creatures Big and Small

  By

Some days I don’t know what to write about. Those are the days (nights) where I struggle with words, getting lost in the muck and mire, and trying to determine a subject to fashion some kind of thoughts around. Those are not my favorite evenings. I pound my head against the wall looking for any glimmer of inspiration.

I wish I had that problem tonight.

***

There’s a story told about me when I was little. Somewhere in that 2-5 range. My grandparents owned a junkyard. It was this crazy, magical, weird place I would see for a week at Christmas and maybe a couple of weeks during the summer. And they owned a lot of dogs. I’m not sure if it was to help protect their land or because they liked dogs or maybe a mixture of the two. Regardless, there was at least 4 or 5 at any given time outside. Most, if not all of them were tied off to something (a tree, a car, their dog house). So they had some amount of rope to move around, but certainly did not have free reign of the yard (sadly).

Some of the dogs were friendlier than others, but even the not-so-nice ones you could maneuver around like they were barking land mines, knowing that if you stuck to the proper path, their slack wouldn’t let them get to you.

One of these dogs was either named or nicknamed “Satan”. And it wasn’t because everyone in my family was a big fan of a certain Dark Lord. No, the dog apparently had earned his name through pure meanness. So you didn’t hang around to pet Satan. You walked around him as quickly as possible and hoped the chain would hold for one more day.

One day everyone was outside and I decided it would be a good idea to pet the “doggie” – and for the briefest of moments time stopped for everyone there. They had no idea what Satan was going to do. And I’m sure if he wanted to I could have ended up a rag-doll, tossed back and forth within its jaws, before Dad or anyone else could have gotten to me.

But none of those things happened. Instead Satan decided to let me pet it. To love on it a little bit. When Dad eased over to try and retrieve me, Satan growled at him, but had no problem with the little one.

Cleo Tree

***

Around 9 or 10 Mom brought home a Calico cat, Muffin, who my 4 or 5 year old sister decided needed to live in her purse or drawers or something else traumatic. So the cat did what any sane person might have done and hid behind the washer and dryer. When I came home, it was left to me to coax the little kitten out from behind its hiding space.

Muffin slept in my room most nights after that.

***

When a ferret adopted our family (no, really, it came to our house and set up shop even with two outdoor cats prowling the grounds), I was the first to garner its trust. It ended up eating directly from my hands that first night.

***

I bond with my animals. I talk to them, confide in them. When I started writing comics late into the night, Cleo would sit beside me at the desk – monitoring my progress. Being my little muse.

Later Westley and Inigo took over those chores, ensuring these blog posts and the comic scripts and the novels and the short stories and everything else in between would have some stamp of feline approval (or at least that’s what I tell myself).

Westley & Inigo Window

Inigo & Westley

 

***

Over this past weekend, I was working at the computer when I heard a commotion outside our house. We have an outdoor cat, Fiona, who resides just on the other side of the front door. Sometimes other neighborhood cats will sneak over and try to steal some of her food, and they throw down (except for “Marvin” the possum, who sometimes makes an appearance – he is more than welcome to graze).

I didn’t immediately move, typically waiting for that next level of “fighting” before trying to save the day. The next sound told me it was a little more than a scuffle, so I went over to the front, and turned on the outside lights. As I opened the door I expected to scare off one of those enemy cats. Yet, instead of something small, a “dog” fled the scene… and it looked like it was carrying something in its mouth.

I hurried to put on shoes, grab a flashlight. I tried to find Fiona in the bushes. I went down to the lake area behind some of our neighbor’s houses… trying to find any sign of her or the beast who might have had her. The whole time trying to get the image of it possibly carrying something from my mind. My wife joined the fruitless search.

Nothing.

The next morning it was more of the same. We walked through the woods around the lake. We sent out word to our neighborhood board.

Nothing.

***

This story doesn’t appear to have a happy ending.

***

I get that outdoor animals don’t live as long as their indoor counterparts (and we tried to bring her inside – it didn’t work with the two boys already here). And I know that this was a possibility. That she could be hurt or injured, but she was a happier little girl outside than she had been during those inside days).

FIona Cropped 1

Fiona

 

And I know there are bigger things happening in the world (directly to my family, in fact)… but, in the little slice of life I live in… in this moment… I have lost a furry friend.

And it makes me sad.

 

***

John McGuire

John McGuire is the author of the supernatural thriller The Dark That Follows, the steampunk comic The Gilded Age, and the novella There’s Something About Mac through the Amazon Kindle Worlds program.

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

The Trouble with Being Human

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We were never meant to be happy.

 

Think hard on it. Find a quiet corner and dwell on it. It’s never been a matter of opinion. The point of being human hasn’t ever been to be free, to live long and prosper, or to carpe diem. The purpose of being alive isn’t to love, suffer, be entertained, or have wild adventures.

The only purpose of our existence is to survive.

It’s written into our genetic code. On a cellular, maybe even atomic level, our blueprints aren’t made for happiness. The only thing our DNA cares about is living. Not living in luxury. Or in poverty. Or in any particular place, time, or situation. On a molecular level, we’re driven to adapt and to exist. We need to eat, breathe, eliminate, and reproduce. Nothing besides survival matters.

Trouble is; many of us don’t have to fight to survive any longer.

And therein lies the struggle.

Now let’s be clear. We’re not talking about people who do have to struggle to survive. We’re not talking about hidden tribes in the Amazon, refugees in lands ravaged by permanent war, or farmers who work 23 1/2 hour days. We’re talking about you, yes you, reading this right now. The human with time to spare. The man or woman who eats meals created by someone else, who lives in a house built by others, the lucky person with better things to do than live in constant fear of death.

What are we doing with ourselves?

We’re searching.

But we haven’t found anything yet.

Many Galaxies

Check out all these cool galaxies you’ll never get to visit.

Leisure. Fun. Liberty. Entertainment. What do they have in common? You already know the answer. They’re products of modern humanity. A few thousand years ago, these pursuits occupied a tiny fraction of our lives. And now…well…now the scales have tipped. Our bodies remember that we must survive, but our minds haven’t the slightest clue. It’s not that we’ve gone soft. It’s not as if we should yearn for the days of scavenging, hunting saber-tooth tigers, and dying at the ripe old age of twenty-two. We’ve adapted to this new life, this comparably easy life. We don’t know shit about survival because we’ve never really had to do it. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe not.

And so, in the big empty void that remains, we search. We look for answers. We seek out fun. We make stuff up. We savor wonderful things such as art, science, stability, and hope. We invent religions, spar over politics, search for love, and bicker over the question of why we’re even here. We have all this time, more than we’ve ever had in the history of human society.

And because of it, we rebel against everything our bodies are made for.

In conversations with friends, I’m struck by a common theme amongst all of them. They don’t know what they really want. Some are more honest about it than others. That’s ok. No judgments here. But it all comes back to the very human admission that; although everyone seems to seek happiness, most of us only find it in fleeting moments, in the small, unexpected encounters of life. Human culture (American culture in particular) is shadowed by the notion that entertainment = happiness. As if going to a football game, watching Walking Dead, making a crap-ton of money, or playing 17 straight hours of Xbox equals actual, palpable contentment with our lives. But from simple observation, it appears none of these things make anyone happy. At least not for long.

Most of the time, they just distract us from having to be human.

Like I said, I’m not judging anyone. I seek out as much distraction from reality as anyone else. Even while knowing movies, games, parties, and sex won’t fulfill me, I stagger through it all, tipsy with the desire for fun, but rarely drunk with it. It’s probably true I’d find more contentment wandering alone beneath the stars, having long, slow conversations in the dark, and quitting my day-job to paint, write, and create until the end of time. But too often, I purposely distract myself. And don’t we all? These things we do are called ‘diversions’ for good reason. They divert us from the reality that we’ve nothing to really do anymore, that we’re filling the void of needing to survive with things. With stuff. With beautiful, mind-numbing fluff.

So what’s the answer?

There is none. At least not one I can fathom. I’ve theorized that one day we’ll all plug ourselves into a permanent create-our-reality engine, but it’s not as if it’ll matter to anyone alive in the here and now. Every road I travel and every social media banner I see screams out how to find happiness. The world tells us to be grateful for what we have, to cherish the small moments, to ignore all negativity, and to hug our children (and our dogs.) But I’m not convinced. I hear people say they’re happy, but I see something else behind their eyes. I glimpse malaise in place of passion. I see embers cooling, not fires roaring. We’re all weary. We’re all in need of epic-level distraction. The pursuit of happiness looks legitimate, but it feels false.

If humans were united in a true cause to make it all have meaning, we’d do it. But instead it feels like we live on islands.

Caveman

This isn’t a condemnation of humanity. Hardly. It’s not even particularly scientific. It’s just an observation that all the things we’re doing don’t seem to have any connection to what we say we desire. Is it because of some error in human engineering? Or…is it just that we’re not really designed to seek out and maintain happiness? I’m sticking with the latter. Life can be what you make of it, but only to a point. Because even though we all try to be different, inside we’re mostly the same.

Consider these:

Does technology make us happier? As in; do fancy iPhones, huge tv’s, and badass cars increase our quality of life?

Is extreme convenience always a good thing?

Is it always valuable for the media to stream reports of events we’re powerless to affect?

What will happen if, five-hundred years from today, all the primary problems facing us (food, disease, poverty, war) are eliminated?

For these, I have no answers. Because sometimes contentment comes from not knowing. Entertainment might not bring happiness, but perhaps acceptance has a shot.

The glass isn’t half-empty or half-full.

The glass doesn’t even exist.

We made it up.

* * *

For slightly softer philosophy, check this.

To dig in places deeper and darker, go here.

J Edward Neill

Every Day is Exactly the Same

  By

It has slowly but surely become Seattle South here in Atlanta over the last week or so. In fact, it wasn’t until yesterday that something from legend arose in the sky once again. People everywhere ran screaming from it, shielding their eyes and shedding layers at it attempted to cook them where they stood.

That beautiful sun, with us again.

It may sound like I’m complaining, but I’m not (mostly). However, this continuous week of the same thing made me temporarily wonder if I’d stepped into Groundhog Day. Had the radio begun playing Sonny and Cher (in between my bashing of the snooze button), I might have never gotten out of bed. I would have been frozen in an odd sense of fear at repeating the same day over and over and an odd sense of fear at having the opportunity to repeat the same day over an over.

GroundhogDay3

Much like a play on the old What If games, how much of the way we live our lives would change if you could act any way you wanted to and no one would be the wiser when they woke up? The entire world having a weird amnesia about the events of the previous day.

That fight with your spouse – nope, never happened.

Showed up late to work again and got a talking to from the boss – no worries, they don’t remember.

Well, you know the plotline to the movie (whether you liked it or not).

But are we nice to people, do we follow the rules of polite (and sometimes not so polite society) because of believing it is the right thing to do? Or do we do it because we are afraid of the alternative?

Even worse, are we not doing the things we are supposed to do because we’re afraid of what the outcome will end up being? That freedom we might gain from not having the normal restraints on our actions… why are we letting that fear penetrate and control our decisions?

Dont-Waste-TIme2

There’s the very cliche’ saying of living each day as if it were your last, but I’ve never liked that particular saying. Typically the people quoting it don’t live on the same planet you and I live on. They don’t have to worry about bills or the day to day BS the rest of us put up with. Yet, there is something in there. A small kernel of information, a proposal of sorts that does ring true enough.

What are you waiting on?

We all lay in bed at night, just before we drift off into that sweet relief, and wonder about IT. Lament IT. That thing you’re working on (novel, boat, plans to take over the world)… what’s stopping you? Time? Energy? Life?

Don’t you think its time to put aside the excuses and just get it done? I know you’re tired. I know you’ve only got 15 minutes tonight. But now’s the time. We’re not going to get stuck reliving the same day over and over.

Oh, wait. Maybe we already are. So what are you going to do about it?

 

***

John McGuire

John McGuire is the author of the supernatural thriller The Dark That Follows, the steampunk comic The Gilded Age, and the novella There’s Something About Mac through the Amazon Kindle Worlds program.

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the Beyond the Gate anthology, which is free on most platforms!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

Painting with Darkness – Part VI

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A few months ago, I got it in my head that I wanted to paint something huge. Something to be the centerpiece of an entire wall. Something that if people walked by, they’d have to stop and look.

And of course, it had to be dark. Because…well…you know.

And so I present: Ocean of Knives

Ocean 1-

After securing a 36″ x 48″ white canvas, it sat in my closet for a solid two weeks while I stewed on what to paint. Would I use colors? Blacks & whites? What would be the subject matter? And once I finally stacked the canvas up on my easel, life got precarious. Each brush stroke threatened to topple the easel and ruin everything. I had to be like Muhammad Ali: “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”

*

Ocean 2

Surfaces started to take shape. Pale rivers flowed from the hills into a deathly ocean. Things were looking stark already. I loved it. And yet, while making wild ovals and grey hills was fun, it was by far the easiest part. Life was about to get harder.

*

Ocean 3

Ocean of Knives was meant to be a companion piece to my novel, Down the Dark Path. I began adding watercolor towers (knives) in the distance. Like snowflakes, each ‘knife’ had to be different. Some were forked, others straight as sin. Looks kinda barren in this pic. It wouldn’t stay that way for long.

*

Ocean 4

Now it came time to add the big towers. To make them straight, I carved out varying lengths of posterboard and used the pieces as straight-edges. For the wavy and irregular towers, I freehanded. Raise your hand if you’d like to live in one of these things. Am I the only one? Well ok then…

*

Ocean 5

The quality of this pic sucks because I used my iPad. But I couldn’t leave it out. It shows the towers almost fully added. I still needed more watercolors for the faraway ones. And I needed street-level buildings to fill the city out. But progress was made. By this point, I’d spent about 12 hours on the painting. Whew.

*

Ocean 6

The finished painting – 18 hours in. See those little pale dots? They’re windows. I tried to count while adding them, but lost track at 2,000. Yes really. I figure there are about 3,000 little white windows in all. Tedious as hell, but utterly worth it. Also notice the deepened shadows the towers cast across the water.

*

Ocean 7

Just to show scale, here’s my 4yo, G Man, standing beside the painting. He’s a bit tall for his age, but even so. The canvas is about 4 times his size.

*

While painting this bad boy, I listened to soundtracks. A lot of Hans Zimmer, David Julyan, and Clint Mansell. Nice, brooding stuff, all of it.

Hope you like ‘Ocean of Knives,‘ companion piece for Down the Dark Path.

For other dark art I’ve done lately, look here and here.

J Edward Neill

40 Things I’ll Never Do (…again)

  By ,

The saying goes, ‘Never say never.’

What a load of bull$#!t.  🙂

I’ll let you decide which of these are sarcastic…

…and which are deadly serious.

* * *

I will never willingly let Halloween pass without carving a jack-o-lantern.

Not gonna ever drink Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Definitely won’t ever put a politician’s sticker on my car. (or some stupid, ignorant slogan.)

I’ll never write a vampire romance novel. Or a vampire novel. Or a romance novel.

Nope. I’ll never enjoy using my cell phone. For anything. Ever.

I’ll never knowingly drink diet soda. Or eat sugar-free desserts. Or eat a ‘lean’ cut of beef.

Can’t ever see myself saying I ‘believe’ in something. I’ll either know the answer…or more likely I won’t.

I’ll never be racist.

Or elitist.

Or an optimist.

Or probably anything ending in -ist. (except for maybe a starving artist.)

I will never, ever be able to dunk a basketball.

Dos Equis

 Can’t imagine I’d ever purposely let anyone else win. At anything. Even my son.

Definitely never plan on owning a self-propelled lawn mower. (Push or die!)

Not ever gonna be a fan of country music. Or K pop. Or love songs.

Won’t ever, ever root for the St. Louis Cardinals, the Packers, or the Pistons. No matter what.

I’ll never join Instagram.

Or Pinterest.

Or post a bathroom selfie. (Unless she asks for one.)

Never gonna stop hitting on cute waitresses. (Or at least asking them if they read and want to buy my books.)

Won’t ever own a pit bull. Or a ‘rottie’. Or any dog big enough to eat me.

Won’t ever take a definable position on a political hot topic. Especially immigration. And gun control.

I’ll never Tivo anything.

untitled

 I’ll never chill red wine.

Or put water in my scotch.

I’ll never successfully date a woman who doesn’t like death metal. Or at least who can’t name one Slayer song.

No tattoos of names. Or any words, for that matter.

Won’t ever be able to sleep without a fan blowing.

Never gonna leave a restaurant without tipping my server. Even if they sucked.

Not ever going vegan. But won’t ever make fun of people who do.

I’ll never brag. Or gloat.

Won’t ever kill a bee. Or an ant. Or even a wasp if it’s outdoors. (But houseflies and black widow spiders, you guys are fucked.)

Probably not gonna reach my goal of being 6′ 4″.

Never going to meet a margarita I won’t like.

I just can’t see myself forgiving George Lucas.

I’ll never trust a rich man.

Or underestimate a poor one.

Won’t ever play fantasy football again.

I won’t ever enjoy a compliment. Nor be affected by a cutdown.

But more than anything else, I’ll never quit making art. Or writing books. Or putting stuff on the internet to make people say, ‘Hmmmmmm…’

* * *

A while back I wrote about my likeness to Jon Snow (i.e.; not knowing anything.) Check it out here.

Otherwise, creep yourself out with this.

Until next time,

J Edward

How to write an Amazon review

  By , ,

Ever tipped your server before?

Ever gotten a new tattoo? And when it was time to pay up, you added a little cash for the artist?

Ever gone to a bar, heard a local band rock out, and tossed a few bucks in their hat?

Of course you have. You’re cool like that. You’re a decent person. You recognize quality when you see it.

So why not do something even easier (and cheaper) when you buy a piece of art, a book, or really any creatively-made material from Amazon?

After deep research across a vast consumer base (aka: asking a few people who read my books) I think I’ve arrived at the reason.

You don’t know how.

It’s understandable. You’ve just hung an awesome new slab of art on your wall. You’ve just read a kickass story. You’ve just picked up a fantastic new handmade-from-real-human-bones necklace. You think to yourself, ‘Damn. I love this thing,’ and you go about your life. After all, you’ve already paid for it. Your role is finished, right?

What if I told you, in about 60 seconds, you could make a much larger difference in the artist’s life than the 7% profit they might have made from selling you that awesome stuff? What if I told you that an Amazon review is about 1,000% times more important than the $0.35 cents they made on the sale? It’s true. Because really, 60 seconds is about all the time it takes to write up an honest Amazon review.

I’m dead serious.

“How do I do it?” you ask.

Fair question. Here’s how:

*

 First, go to the Amazon page where you bought the kickass piece of art in the first place. Scroll down until you see this:

*

most-helpful-reviews

Because EVERYONE needs an Inflatable Unicorn Horn for their cat.

See that juicy lil’ button that says ‘Write a Review’?  Good. Click it.

*

Next up, you’ll arrive at a Sign-In screen.  Take 4 seconds to log in and click the ‘Sign in using our secure server’ button. Boom.

Sign in as

Whew. 10 seconds in and I’m exhausted.

*

You’ll immediately be sent to the screen below. It’s really, really easy from here on out. You click the stars to tell Amazon how awesome/not awesome your new purchase is. And then you type in your review. Amazon recommends 75-500 words. Don’t feel like typing that much? Cool. Just offer two little tiny sentences about how this art, book, skull-necklace, or cat unicorn horn made you feel.

REview me baby

“This book fucking rocked. I made sweet love to my husband while reading it in front of a roaring bonfire. I hope the author comes to my house and tattoos his next masterpiece on my buttocks.”

*

And just like that, you’re done. It was that easy. Now just hit ‘Submit.’  Research proves you’ll die 700% happier for knowing you helped an artist, author, or cat unicorn horn manufacturer.

But seriously, here’s some helpful hints:

  • Don’t ever mention knowing the artist or author personally, even if you do. Big turnoff.
  • Be honest. Seriously.
  • Review the product. Not the maker of the product.
  • Even 3 and 4-star reviews are awesome!
  • If you’re feeling extra nice, mention something you really liked about your purchase. Such as, “My favorite part of the book was when the evil minions of darkness pillaged the farmer’s daughters,” or maybe, “My cat Fluffy crapped all over the floor when we put the unicorn horn on her. Which means she loves it!”

To test my theory that reviews typically take no longer than 60 seconds, I just reviewed two books on Amazon. For real. One took 48 seconds. The other took 58 seconds. Which means, in less than two minutes, I helped two artists out, gave them more exposure (more reviews earn WAY MORE Amazon page views) and slapped a virtual ‘tip’ on the artists’ tables worth its weight in gold for their future.

60 seconds or less.

Easy as pie.

Just for hanging in there, I offer you Fluffy, pissiest cat on the planet:

UniCat

“Put this thing on me one more time, and you gon need medikal atenshun.”

The #NothingMatters Movement

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It’s funny the things we decide to care about.

It’s curious the flow of socio-political liquid through the masses.

Do you ever wonder if, a thousand years ago, the hashtag causes would’ve been #SanitationMatters, #PeasantsMatter, or #ArrowsDon’tKill but #ArchersDo?

ArcheryDuring World War II, if Twitter had existed, the Allies’ causes would’ve been obvious (Sadly the Axis’s would’ve been, too.) But what about during the American Revolution? Would it have been #IndependenceMatters, #RedcoatLivesMatterToo, or simply #FuckKingGeorge?

Well?

Nearly every day of our lives, we see someone or some group expelling causes across the internet. Seems everyone has an interest in telling everyone else what should be important. ‘You should care about this,’ they shout. ‘This is important, #TheseLivesMatter,’ but, ‘That shit over there doesn’t matter.’ These days anyone with fingers and a computer has a soapbox. Some folks choose not to stand on it. But a crap-ton of other people are happy to jump on and start talking/typing.

But talking ain’t the same as doing.

And while a hundred-thousand people might appear to agree with a common cause on their Facebook pages, ultimately they’re all just individuals. With their own lives and problems. Most of whom don’t actually give two shits about the cause beyond clicking ‘Like.’

Boromir

If a tree falls in the forest and no one’s there to hear it, did it make a sound?

Yes.

If shit goes down and no one’s there to care, did that shit matter?

Hmmmm…

Every day globally, thousands of humans die. Some from sickness, others by accident, still others by war, suicide, and foul play. Every hour, people are wronged. People are robbed, kidnapped, assaulted, maimed, and abused. Now imagine all these terrible things if no one reported them. No news. No weather channel. No 60 Minutes specials. No hashtags made up to gather attention. Without media coverage, the only ones who’d know about localized suffering would be the survivors, the perpetrators, and a handful of observers.

Compared to the way things are now, the world would be quiet. It might even seem peaceful, even though it wouldn’t be.

Because…without the media storm surrounding the modern world, we’d never know about all these terrible things. Not even the good things. We’d never care. #NothingWouldMatter because we’d never hear about stuff. We’d be the same as most people were a few hundred years ago. The only things that would matter to us would be those affecting our village, our clique, our small sphere of stuff we could actually see, hear, and touch.

Now, I’m not going all nihilistic on you. To say #nothing has any value at all would be a tough sell to most people, especially those with children, lovers, amazing friends, close family, or even pets. However…if we peek just outside our bubble of people and things that matter, what’s out there? What’s really out there? Good stuff. Bad stuff. But mostly just stuff. Stuff that doesn’t affect you. Or me. Or anyone other than the people directly involved in it.

Now let’s take a #DoesItReallyMatter quiz:

Pretend you and everyone you knew got really pissed off at how refugees in a faraway war were being treated, but none of you actually went out to fight the bad guys oppressing these refugees. So. Did the refugees matter to you? As in really?

Let’s say you actually did get up and fight the bad guys, but that one generation later, the refugees formed a country who started doing the same terrible things that had been done to them. Did your involvement matter?

If a city a hundred miles away vanished overnight and all its people were lost, but no one you knew had ever lived there, would it matter to you? Honestly?

If a nation (population 1 billion) you’d never paid attention to were invaded and destroyed tomorrow, would such a catastrophic loss matter to you? Other than maybe make you afraid for your own nation? Other than maybe make you crap your pants? Is it even possible for one person to care about a billion other individuals?

What I’m saying is; for all the things a person really, really cares about in their life, they’ll fight like lions to defend. They’ll make huge sacrifices, they’ll go to war, they’ll spend all their money, they’ll invest their heart and soul. They’ll die to see it done. It’s that important. #ItMatters.

But for everything else, they’ll just go online and ‘Like’ it.

…or talk about it at the water cooler.

…or catch in on the news right before watching their favorite tv show.

Because, just maybe, #ItDoesn’tReallyMatter

No matter how much we like to tell ourselves we care about all the crazy stuff going on the world…

…most of the time, we don’t.

We can only really care about the things closest to us.

And that’s just the way it should be.

#NothingMatters

#Well…AlmostNothing

* * *

Want to start a few hot debates with all the guys and gals in your life? Click here and here.

Want to sit in the shadows and read about people who have it way tougher? Right. Here.

Love,

J Edward Neill

I’m Really Sorry you Hate Sports

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Here we are.

In the heart of football season.

Ascending to the World Series.

Ready to pop the cork on the NBA and NHL.

Pretty much the best time of a sports-lover’s year.

And all you wanna do is hate.

It’s that time of year when the hate feels especially strong. The stupid memes start popping up. People who previously seemed cool, nice, and maybe even enlightened decide to publicize their disgust with other people’s love of athletic competition. Pictures of cats, dogs, and kids on Facebook are replaced with comments about ‘Sportsball’ and intentional ignorance regarding ‘Putting balls into holes.’

Here are just a few of the dumb images I’ve seen during the last two weeks:

Both Teams Lose

Cute cat, but I only feel this way when the Packers play the Vikings.

Hate sports because

Yep. It’s the first one.

What Color Rooting

I’m pretty sure I beat this guy up in high school.

Look. I get it. A lot of people don’t like sports. I’m fine with it. Everything‘s not for everyone. Some people hate football, baseball, and all the rest. Others don’t like art. Or books. Or kids. Or shopping for shoes. Or cosplay. Or whatever. All of this is ok. As for me…I like almost everything. And the shit I don’t like is typically stuff like terrorism, politicians, or whatever the fuck this is. You’re allowed to like your stuff. And I’m allowed to like mine.

But here’s the thing: When you cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war against fun, you look stupid.

And when you hate on other people’s likes and lifestyles, you open yourself up to getting your ass kicked in the parking lot getting the hate hurled right back at you.

Consider these:

Video Games

Because playing video games makes you a total fucking loser. Just like watching sports. NOT.

Fat Nerd

What everyone automatically assumes a sports-hater looks like.

Nerds

Nerds: the ‘other’ N word. It’s cool to call yourself one. But when Ogre does it, you’d better cry ‘Bully!’

Remember back in the 80’s – 90’s when nerds, geeks, dorks, and DragonCon attendees pretty much lived on the bottom of the social rung? When being smart wasn’t nearly as cool as being popular, well-dressed, or athletic? I do. I remember it. Kids at every school I went to were picked on if they came across as nerdy or shy. Hell, watching some of these unlucky kids get beaten up, shaken down, and tormented on a daily basis probably had a lot to do with my sudden love of hitting the gym, getting tougher, and learning to love the beautiful, brotherhood-inducing thing called sports. And now that we’ve evolved past the nerd-hate, everything should be cool, right? Sports fans living beside LARP’ers. Athletes dating librarians. Dogs and cats…living together.

And yet, here’s some recent shit I’ve seen online from otherwise decent people:

A lady who LOVES cosplay (dressing up as her favorite superhero) ranting about how “stupid” football fans looked when they wear costumes and paint their faces for the game.  – Hypocrite much?

A proud declaration that “Most athletes get paid WAY too much! And that’s why I hate ALL sports!”  – The vast majority of pro athletes don’t get paid as much as you’d think. Consider minor leaguers, practice squad members, assistant coaches, trainers, rookies, etc. Only the very best get the big bucks, just like in, oh…I don’t know…every other profession.

A lady who bluntly stated that “Everyone in the NBA and NFL is a thug.”  – Wow. Racist much?

And the single stupidest post I’ve seen in a long while: “Sportsball. Ugh.”

* * *

I don’t think most people feel this way. I mean…sure…a lot of folks don’t care about ‘Sportsball,’ but nor do they feel the need to attempt some BS, double-reverse bullying attempt on social media. I think most people realize that a love of sports is the same as a love of anything else. Like books. Or tv shows. Or movies. Or zombie Pokémon porn. Or whatever. I guess what I can’t reconcile in my brain is why some people feel the need to shout their hate out. As if it’s somehow idiotic for me to admire the supreme physical skills of other humans. Or foolish to enjoy watching two evenly-matched teams fight for victory. I mean…shit…it’s not like we’re watching Nascar. Relax. I’m joking. I’m sure Nascar is awesome. It’s just not for me.

So how about you sport-haters and I strike a truce? You don’t make fun of me watching the fastest, strongest humans on the planet beating the ever-loving crap out of each other, and I won’t make fun of you for liking World of Warcraft, thinking comic book movies are cool, or not being able to pound out more than three push-ups. You promise to never utter the word ‘Sportsball’ again, and I swear to overlook the next thirty-four times you roll your eyes when I mention I’m gonna go, ‘Watch the Bears lose again.’

Deal?

Deal.

This PSA brought to you by a barbaric, Neanderthalish, MMA-loving, baseball-crushing, football-slingin’ sports nut…who despite being a mouth-breathing Sportsball fanatic found time to write more and paint more in 2015 than almost everyone else on the planet.

I’m just playin’.

Enjoy the game.

J Edward Neill

True Horror

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I want to write about things which go bump in the night. I want to embrace that certain time of year where we all yearn to be scared for some primal reason that we might not ever understand. I want to discover the next horror movie or book or comic or tv show I should be watching in order to get my fix during this month.

I want to talk about all of those things, but I am forced to focus on a different sort of horror this year. The sort of horror that haunts you as it unfolds, but then sticks with you for the remainder of the week… only to happen again and again. The truest horror for any sports fan.

The horror of the wasted season.

Miami_Dolphins_2013

That’s what I’m dealing with 4 weeks into the football season this year. The Miami Dolphins have already fired their coach. This was a team some people thought would not only go to the playoffs, but could/would compete for some glory. A team that was 8-8 last year and whose personnel had gotten better (in theory at least).

Instead it has become the dysfunctional party we all know and love for the better part of a decade. And I can take a team being bad IF (and that’s a big IF) there is a chance for light at the end of the tunnel. IF there is a way for this to be a temporary measure. In fact, that’s basically what this last Baseball Season was for me. For the first time I don’t think I watched a full Atlanta Braves game. Oh, I still kept up with them on a near daily basis, still read the articles, read the blogs, watched at the trade deadline to see what moves they made.

But I knew this season was going to be bad. I knew there was almost 0% chance of them being in any race other than one of the poorer records in all of baseball. And I can deal with that. Next year needs to be better, and then the year after they should be in the hunt for a playoff spot (if the powers that be are to be believed).

Here’s the difference with the Dolphins, I go through this every 3 or 4 years with them. They either get a new coach or a new system or a new “something” and suddenly they are the vogue pre-season pick to do grand things. You’d think that after falling for this multiple times over the better part of a decade I would have steeled myself from such stupidity, but NOOOOOO, I am clearly a glutton for punishment. I buy in. “This is going to be the thing that pushes us up to the top, just you wait and see.”

Only to watch it all crumble and die on the vine.

I mean, our head coach was fired on Monday. And as much as I think that was the right move for the team at this point, what do I honestly think is going to come of this season? We’re 1-3 with a schedule that I thought we could be at least 5-1 after 6 games. Our next two opponents are weak (compared to us though they might be world-beaters). So what is realistic? 4 wins? 5 wins over the course of a season?

And don’t think me “fair-weathered” here. I watched every game of our 1-15 season. I will watch every game of this season. I’m just tired of the same things happening over and over and over again.

Sigh.

And the worst part is that I’ve dragged my wife down on this ship with me. She could have found a nice guy who liked deflated balls and won Super Bowls, but she got someone who liked the team from south Florida.

When Do I Get To See The Sailboat?

When Do I Get To See The Sailboat?

We joke in the house about when will we get to see the sailboat – meaning, when will one of our teams win the big one. But right now we are still like Wilhem from Mallrats…

Still looking for that damn boat.

 

***

John McGuire

John McGuire is the author of the supernatural thriller The Dark That Follows, the steampunk comic The Gilded Age, and the novella There’s Something About Mac through the Amazon Kindle Worlds program.

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the recently released anthology Beyond the Gate, which is free on most platforms!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

Autumn ~ My Favorite time of Year

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Little Bit of AutumnAutumn has always been my favorite time of year. As the stranglehold of summer begins to wane, I always feel lighter and more creative. Walks are longer. I dig out my boots, my long sweater jackets and my scarves. There’s a chill in the air at night and an entire month of all things spooky and haunted.  Everything smells like home and family–pumpkin, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Even Nature takes the time to celebrate. The trees transform but not without putting on a show. The breeze picks up, swirling reds, yellows and oranges all around.

Autumn is magic.

One of my favorite Autumn pastimes is to find and photograph little gems like the one shown on the right from last year.  I began my quest a couple weeks ago, but now that it’s officially Autumn it will become a semi-daily occurrence.

If you follow me on Instagram you won’t miss a single leaf!

More Autumn Posts:

My Favorite Spider

Inktober! (coming next week!)

Scariest Book I Ever Read (coming soon!)

My 2015 Halloween Decorations (coming soon!)

Art ~ What Lies Beneath (coming soon!)

All your heroes are dead

  By , ,

The other night, whilst sitting among friends in a crowded restaurant, I accidentally eavesdropped on my neighbors’ conversation. Ok…it wasn’t accidental. The lull in my friends’ talking gave me an easy window to listen in on the fascinating exchange between a guy and a girl. I couldn’t resist.

It started well enough.

When the pretty girl (30-something, short brown hair) sat down with the guy (early 40’s, funky comb-over,) everything seemed ok. He kissed her, told her how beautiful she was, and ordered her a drink right away. She told him all about her work problems, including how she’d lost a chance at a big promotion. He sympathized with her, reassured her, and seemed genuinely concerned about her travails. But…and there’s always a but…the conversation soon took a turn for the intriguing. After ignoring several rings of her cell phone, the girl starts getting nervous. She admits to the guy that her husband is looking for her, and that hubs suspects her of having an affair, which she clearly is.

Wait. It gets better.

Our cool, comb-over guy seemed unbothered by this news. He says something to the effect of, “It’s ok. I understand. I love you. I’ll wait for you for as long as it takes.” As far as adulterers go, he made a good show of it, appearing genuinely in love with the wandering wife. But…and there’s always a but…after a while of talking, touching, and kissing, the girl gets up and goes outside to text her hubby that she’s, “Still at work.” And that, “…boss has me working OT.” Classic stuff there. I have a feeling she didn’t fool anyone.

 And while the lovely lass is busy lying, Captain Comb-over gets to the good part.

No sooner does the girl go outside than this dude picks up his cell phone and dials. Obviously he was drunk, else it would’ve been pretty obvious that I was listening in. I mean…c’mon. I’ve got good peripherals and all, but I was practically leaning over his bourbon. So our hero dials, and it’s clear another woman picks up on the other end. He starts talking to her, all the while looking over his shoulder and chugging his drink. And then he says, “Don’t worry. She’s outside. She can’t even see me.” The woman on the phone says something I can’t hear, and then…after hitting up the bartender for another drink…our hero says, “She has no idea. I’ll see you tonight. I love you.”

And he’s right. Girl 1 had no idea.

At this point, you’re thinking I’m judging these two. No. I’m really not. Where other people sling their lies and plunge their loins isn’t my concern. But it was while eavesdropping I wandered into a dark place at the back of my mind. I touched upon a belief I’ve always possessed. I remembered that the world has almost no heroes, and that for every good thing we want to believe about someone else, skeletons in the closet remain.

Let’s talk this over. Because I know where you’re gonna hit back. You’re going to point out the good people in your life: the dads, moms, grandmas, soldiers, teachers, BFF’s. And you’re going to assert how these people, with their grace and humility, are the true heroes. The unsung. The real deal. I’m fine with that. I get what you’re saying. Small deeds and simple acts of kindness can be heroic. Everyday people doing everyday good things are awesome.

But remember:

One man’s treasure is another man’s trash.

A hero to one group of people can be a villain to another.

And for every one thing you know about your personal hero, there are ten things you don’t know.

Frodo

To start trimming the list of people we consider heroic, the easiest place to start is with celebrities and political figures. This year alone, the bones tumbled out of the proverbial closet at an astonishing rate. Consider Bill Cosby, among my generation’s most beloved men, now hot on the skillet for his roofie-administering ways. Consider Jared Fogle, long a television mainstay, busted for banging teenagers. Consider the Duggars, the Ashley Madison scandal, and the impossibly long list of NFL ‘badasses’ beating the crap out of their wives and girlfriends. Now I’m not suggesting any of these people should’ve ever been considered heroic, but nevertheless…celebrity-worship is a huge thing, especially in the US. And now we get to watch the previously-beloved fall, and fall, and fall. My guess is that at some point in the past, certain people viewed these famous folks as good, solid, and loveable. So now what? The onion is peeled back. Have they learned their lesson? Or will they simply find another celeb to hold up high?

Now let’s get dark.

Think about these questions:

Is every soldier a hero? Are most of them heroes? If so, are they heroic just because they fight on your side? What do you think the widows of their enemies would say?

Can someone who does great good in the world still be called heroic if, when no one’s looking, they lie, cheat, steal, or abuse?

Is doing hard work to support your family heroic? If so, doesn’t that make almost everyone who lived in pre-modern times a hero? (Back in the day most everyone had to bust their asses just to survive.)

If a firefighter regularly saves whole housefuls of kids and cute puppies, but is a shitty father and a negligent husband, is he a hero?

If a single mother works two jobs to support her kids, but smokes like a fiend (thereby shortening her life…which her kids need) is she heroic?

If someone gives millions to well-meaning charities, but pilfers a little for himself, is he…

…I think you get the point.

Potter

People do heroic things all the time. They save lives, teach wisdom, and sacrifice themselves for the greater good. People can be beacons of light in dark times, pull others together to make huge differences, and enact changes for the betterment of everyone. For brief, shining moments, people can do wonderful things.

But at some point, people go back to being people.

And no matter how high you hold them up, they will tumble. They will do things when they think no one’s looking. They’ll be human.

So be careful whom you look up to. 

And be careful why you look up to them.

* * *

Want more challenging questions about humanity and the crazy shit we do?

Look no further than here.

J Edward Neill

My Favorite Spider

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Let’s make one thing clear.

I DO NOT LIKE SPIDERS.

As a child I had night terrors, as well as nightmares where I would wake and still be partly dreaming. I would hallucinate-dream spiders crawling all over my bed. Thousands of them. I still vividly remember those images. It’s no wonder I developed a phobia. There have been a few instances where my phobia has embarrassed me horribly, like the time I walked into an orb weaver’s web and threw myself to the ground screaming and rolling around as if I was on fire. Yeah. Not my finest moment, though I can laugh about it now. I’ve never sought help for my phobia, nor do I plan to, but I have tried to ease the anxiety and fear over the years with my own self-directed CBT (cognitive behavior therapy). I can now say, with complete honesty, I have a favorite spider. Here he is:

Spiny-backed Orb Weaver on Web

Spiny-backed Orb Weavers are between 3 and 9 mm across, males being on the smaller side. I’ve been photographing them each September for the last three years. I use a macro lens on my phone, but I still have to get within a few millimeters to capture the perfect shot. It’s an anxiety producing experience. The first year I screamed in our backyard when the wind blew the web toward my phone! But, each year it gets easier, which means my CBT is working.

My shot for 2015

My shot for 2015

 

This was an oops shot

This was an oops shot

I look forward to these little spiders every year now. Who knew one day I’d have a favorite spider.

My Top 7 Words of 2015

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Bone Letters

 

Welcome to the third annual edition of Top 7 Words. For the next hundred or so years, it’s a safe bet to expect one of these to spring up in your face annually. I briefly considered making this year’s theme about the Worst Words of 2015, but I figure everyone already hates bae, yolo, and thot enough to pretty much cover it.

 

And so…

Deflategate

1. Deflate – to release the air or gas from something inflated

Unless you’ve lived under a rock for the last seven months, you know that my son and I deflated the footballs used by Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. But seriously, as a football nut and a regular user of NFL footballs, I laugh to myself every time I hear about a pro QB taking the air out of his balls. Why? Because unlike many of them, I like my balls (no pun intended) inflated to the point of bursting. Just ask the KGFL. They all hate me for it.

2. Bachelorhood – the state of being a bachelor

Because honestly, who’d want to live any other way? I’m mostly kidding. I know marriage has its good points. Married guys live longer, get more action, have more money, and enjoy a host of other benefits. And yet here I am, the only unmarried guy on my entire block. Seriously. Thirty + houses…and I’m the sole bachelor. It feels somehow liberating, somehow kingly. When my neighbors sigh and tell me Friday night will be spent watching Netflix (again) with their never-put-down-the-cell-phone wives, I feel freer than ever in my life.

3. Proliferate – to increase in number or spread rapidly

In 2015, my writing career took leaps and bounds above previous years. I published nine books, more than fifty web articles, and sold hundreds of stories here in the US and abroad. I feel like a virus, infecting my host (Earth) with reckless abandon. Aside from all that, I love the word proliferate. It implies something is unstoppable, maybe even invincible. Yeah. That.

4. Wine – the fermented juice of grapes, made in many varieties, such as red, white, sweet, dry, still, and sparkling

Every time I open my Facebook or Twitter profiles, I see the word wine. I’ve begun to think my kid is the only one who doesn’t drink the stuff. For dinner. At midnight. For breakfast. Whatever. I love the stuff, but that’s not why I love the word. I’m amused by housewives whose every other meme is wine-related. I smirk every time I see a woman’s dating profile with a ‘I love wine’ mention (because almost all of them do.) Apparently the world is always drunk…or at least trying to be.

Pale-Swamp

5. Undertones – an underlying quality or element; undercurrent

About a year ago, I started painting. A lot. I try (and often fail) to imbue my canvasses with specific undertones. I want viewers to feel the rain, sense the cold, and shiver as though whatever they see is haunting.

 

6. Feminist – advocating social, political, legal, and economic rights for women equal to those of men

Before I start, let me say I’m not anti-feminist. Equality is awesome. Fairness is a something usually worth striving for. That said, I like the word feminist because when someone else uses it, I can predict without fail where the conversation is going. Admit it; so can you. Either people will leap to profess their feminist support, crush someone else for not being feminist enough, or (if they’re brave) start an argument about how the world was better during the Mad Men era. Me? I’m not political enough to even touch the whole feminism discussion. The rest of the world has it covered.

Fireball

 

7. Swipe – to move a finger or fingers, or a stylus, across an area on (a touchscreen) in order to execute a command

During my brief tenure on Tinder (and other similar dating apps) I’ve learned this much: Swiping left is shallow…but fun. I’ve pretty much swiped left for the entire Atlanta metropolitan area. Hell, I don’t even log on with the hope of meeting anyone. Never really have. I just swipe left a few thousand times and continue yucking it up with my friends. Pointless. Stupid. Entertainment.

* * *

Enjoy this? Check out My Top 7 Words of 2014 and 2013. Previous editions were darker in tone than this year. Whatever…

Check out my chilling short stories Old Man of Tessera and Let the Bodies. In which I use real words.

J Edward Neill

Return of the Whatnot

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Yes. The whatnot post has returned. I know you’ve been lost without it, adrift in a sea of the unknown. Never fear. I’m back with all the little things you’ve missed and new ones you never knew existed.

The Bone Oracle Drawing1. DragonCon – Over the last two weeks I’ve had numerous comments and questions about the convention. No, I’m not going this year. Since I’m not in the art show this time around, I couldn’t justify the expense. This happens to be my daughter’s senior year in high school. Other expenses I have right now include: SAT and ACT exam fees, 2 AP exam fees, Senior Dues, Senior Portraits, Yearbook, College Application fees, and more. That’s a lot of money. I’ve also just begun a two month subscription to Schoolism (purchased during their Kickstarter). In the end, it just didn’t make any sense to attend DragonCon. Fingers crossed for next year!

2. Bone Oracle Prints – Prints are now available in my shop, but for a limited time. The graphite drawing is going to be the starting point for a painting of the same name. When I finish the painting the print of the drawing will no longer be available. Any prints purchased will have a number on the back, bottom right corner. The original drawing will be coming with me to JordanCon in April 2016.

3. Secret Shop – I bet you didn’t know I had a secret shop. You can find it on my website by clicking Five Dollars in the menu.

4. Creative Bloq – You may have heard about a recent Kickstarter lawsuit. If not, you can learn more about it today at Creative Bloq (the blog for ImagineFX and other creative magazines) and you may run across a familiar name and image. 😉

The Dracula Dossier: Directors Handbook5. Books – Usually, I read about 2-3 books a summer. It’s a busy time of year. But for whatever reason, I managed to read 10 books this summer and I’m in the middle of my eleventh. Some of them have been re-reads and others brand new. I enjoyed John Scalzi’s Lock In so much I bought a hardback copy after reading it on Kindle. Books… NomNomNom…

6. Biter Bash 2015 – I’ve reserved a table for the small event, December 5-6 in Roswell, Georgia. I will be selling art prints, sketch cards, and whatnot. I’ll also be bringing along some copies of my sketchbook Daydreams & Wanderings.

7. The Dracula Dossier – Myself and many others created art for this book. I’m thrilled I could contribute. I can’t share the art yet, but it won’t be long now! The book is available for pre-order from Pelgrane Press.

Never Happy

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We’re never happy. I read this article today and now am resigned to actively root against my favorite books, favorite comics, old movies, old novels – because I’m contributing to the downfall of my way of life…

Or something like that.

Instead I’m here to say: enjoy it while it lasts. Instead of looking forward to a time when superhero movies don’t make billions at the box office, just find a way to be happy. I waited twenty years to see Spider-man actually look good on the big screen. I read Avengers comics and never thought I’d ever see any of those characters up there. That the gifts from my youth would become things that could bridge the generations of old fans to new ones.

Nostalgia is not seen as a good thing. That’s the refrain of many. The proliferation of it means that it makes money… that it is no longer done for the “love of the game” so to speak.

records-143468_1280

But it doesn’t have to be.

We’re nostalgic for the old things. Yet we forget the bad in there, when we were called names because of what we liked.

Woo hoo! Good times!

Yeah, I don’t think so.

We want to be nostalgic and then get angry when someone co-ops that passion. We want to stand off to the side and be apart and talk about how you liked something more BEFORE.. back in the day.

Why?

Hey man, movies used to mean something. Movies used to make you think. Hey man, books used to mean something. Hey man, music used to mean something.

Hey man…

Shut up. Stop whining.

Yes, money helps to trigger all of this. If Iron Man flopped we probably don’t get the Avengers movie (and we definitely don’t ever see a Guardians of the Galaxy grace our screens). For every Pixels which feeds on those old ideas (video games) we love, but apparently fails to connect with an audience – we also get a novel like Ready Player One which embraces it and forces you to embrace it and remember how much you loved the same things.

How many comic TV shows are too many?

I don’t know, but let’s f-ing find out!

How many video game related items from the 80s can be referenced in something. Who cares? I love them all?

footloose

Hey, let’s redo Footloose!

…

Ok, maybe they’ve gone too far.

A friend of mine and I lament that Game of Thrones hasn’t launched a thousand fantasy things (comics, movies, tv shows, etc.). We both cut our teeth on Dungeons and Dragons so we enjoy those type things, but so far it hasn’t penetrated as far as I would like. However, if in 5 years everyone is doing THEIR fantasy story… well, that will be great. Why should I be upset with that? The bad ones will get weeded out, and the good ones will be consumed and enjoyed.

I think we trick ourselves into believing that things were always better “back when”. Oh yeah, it was awesome to go to the library and stumble through pages upon pages of text before finding that nugget of information for that report I’m doing. Yeah, that’s ole’ internet just is garbage compared to that, eh?

Everything is cyclical. You need to enjoy it while it lasts. Hollywood knows that better than most. And while today it’s superheroes or geek culture, but before that were the musicals and the westerns and the war movies and gangster movies and the epics and the 80’s action movies and the slasher films and the…

You see what I mean?

And I’m not without my own biases. I wish there was more rock out there that I liked. I wish MTV hadn’t strayed so far from it over the last twenty years. But I also know that if I tried hard enough, I could still find a thing or two to like.

Much hand wringing and teeth gnashing is done because we are only seeing things that have been done before. People cry out “where are the new ideas?” But we forget about all the good things which do make it to the screen (or to the bookstore or to the… you get the point). Straight out of Compton. Ex Machina. It Follows. And hopefully The Martian (a movie based on an “Indy” book). We only want to lament that… “ugh, everyone likes everything I like. It’s not mine anymore to enjoy.”

Isn’t that what we wanted? Isn’t this thing we like becoming more popular (which means MORE of it) what we’ve been waiting for?

Dragon Con 2014

This weekend thousands of people will descend upon Atlanta, Georgia for Dragon Con (and others will be here for the start of college football and have really odd looks on their faces at those of us at Dragon Con). While I’m certainly not a fan of long lines and fighting people to get a look at dealer’s booths this is the price I pay for OUR geek stuff finally getting its due. Yes, we could crawl back into the basement spending our time organizing our comics and watching thrice-dubbed imports or we can embrace the idea that while we will need to feed the machine, we also will get more voices out there to help make up the slack. The other refrain is that it has never before been easier to “Create”. Anything you want: movies, tv shows, podcasts, books, comics, stand-up, music, poetry.

bunker-554239_1280

Do you want to go back into the darkness? Really?

 

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times.

Except, it doesn’t need to be the worst.

Stop focusing on the BAD… ALL OF THE TIME.

Just stop!

Things change. Eventually, the times will change and all the Eyores will wonder – “why don’t people like X thing? Remember when everyone liked that thing? It was awesome. I wish we could go back to then.”

This is THEN. This is NOW. Embrace it. Love it.

 

***

John McGuire

John McGuire is the author of the supernatural thriller The Dark That Follows, the steampunk comic The Gilded Age, and the novella There’s Something About Mac through the Amazon Kindle Worlds program.

His second novel, Hollow Empire, is now complete. The first episode is now FREE!

He also has a short story in the recently released anthology Beyond the Gate, which is free on most platforms!

He can also be found at www.johnrmcguire.com.

Living in a Baseball Paradise

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The Rizz

Anthony Rizzo, definitive NL MVP candidate.

 

I know how this story ends.

Me. An empty glass on the table. A giant foam finger wilting on the floor.

And another season referred to as ‘lost‘ by sports reporters worldwide.

In case you didn’t know, I’m the world’s biggest Chicago Cubs fan. I bleed Cubbie blue. I live and die with every pitch. I allow my hopes, however small, to flourish in April and rot off the vine always usually by mid-July.

And yet here we are. September. The Cubs are ahead of their rebuilding schedule, or so say most of the pundits. A few weeks ago, they crushed the hometown (I live in Atlanta) Braves in a four-game sweep, outscoring the hapless Bravos 30-14 over the series. They swept the New York Mets 7-0 this year. They’ve improved from mediocre in April/May/June to downright threatening in the NL Central. They have two legitimate NL Rookie of the year candidates (Kris Bryant, Kyle Schwarber) a serious CY Young threat (Jake Arrieta) and a potential NL MVP winner (Anthony Rizzo.)

It’s been fun.

Arrieta

Jake Arrieta, first to 15 Wins in the NL this year.

Bryant

Kris Bryant, a bigger success than the Cubs even hoped for.

With the Cubs’ young hitters raking, the starters dealing (mostly) and the bullpen steady-ish, the team feels like an honest challenger to the St. Louis Cardinals…aka: Satan’s Lackeys.

But I’m not gonna hold ’em to it.

Because, like I said, I know how this story ends.

Look. Let’s be honest. Football season is here. Yeah…ok…the Bears suck. And yeah…ok…I should still be riding high after the Chicago Blackhawks 3rd Stanley Cup win in the last decade. Plus I live in the south, where every bar streams football at every hour. So if I wanted to, I could close my eyes to the Cubs and direct my attention to thousands of other sports-related distractions. It’d be easy. I could just tell myself, ‘They’ve got no real shot,’ or ‘They’re gonna get stuck in a one-game Wild-Card playoff and lose 3-1 to the Pittsburgh Pirates.’

I could do those things. Nobody could blame me. The guys at ESPN will tally another season of broken dreams (never mind the other 28 teams that’ll fail this year.) Fans will get over it by muttering, ‘Next year they’ll be even better.’ Because that’s the mantra Cubs’ fans use. ‘Next year. Next year. Next year,’ even though no such thing is promised. I mean, just look at the Nationals. Everyone thought this would be the year. Bryce Harper, Max Scherzer, and crew were supposed to blow everyone away.  And let’s not even talk about the Dodgers, armed with $400-billion dollars and multiple superstars, still losing out to the humble SF Giants, who’ve won 3 of the last 5 World Series’, by the way.

But you know what? I’m not gonna bail. F it. I’m all in.

If the Cubs fall short this year, and they probably will, I’m not gonna worry about next year. I’m gonna trumpet how fun this year has been. I’m gonna fly a Cubs’ banner from my front porch through Thanksgiving. I’m gonna drink my Friday-night bourbon from a crystalline Cubs’ glass. Because let’s face it, every year in every sport, most fans die hard. And by die hard, I’m emphasizing the die. Only 1 of 30 baseball teams tastes glory. Only 1 of 32 in football. And let’s not even talk about basketball, whose champion is decided about 17 years after the playoffs begin, meaning if your team sucks, you get to watch everyone else play forever before the next season begins.

 It’s been a tough year to be a Cubs’ devotee. And for a change it’s not because of their record. No, the hard part is that I have no television on which to watch them. No cable, no satellite, no my-kid-accidentally-ordered-the-MLB-package-so-now-I’m-paying-$250-to-watch-every-fucking-game-on-my-iPad. Last year and every year before it, I consumed every game possible.  I used to race home to catch the 9th inning or stay in on weekends to watch my team lose (again.) But this year, with the Cubs smashing, I’ve watched maybe a dozen games. And naturally, the one game I saw live (Cubs at Braves) turned out to be the only game Chicago lost against Atlanta this year. (They went 6-1 vs the Braves in 2015.)

So it’s true. I haven’t even caught most of the season. Thank gawd for the internet.

So. Yeah. I know how this story ends. I’m sure of it. I’m 100% positive. There’s no doubt. This isn’t the year.

We’ll lose the one-game playoff against Pittsburg.

Or crash and burn against hated St. Louis.

Or find a way to F up against teams we already smashed this year (New York, San Francisco, L.A.)

But it’s ok. At least for this Cubs’ fan. At least for this year. Because knowing the math and the odds are against my team, I’m going to measure success in a new way: If my hometown heroes win more than they lose, I’m gonna pretend this year was a total success. Why not? I mean…seriously. And you’d better believe, after all the years we spent as the Atlanta Braves’ little bitch, I’m gonna soak up beating the crap out of them in 2015. Until April 1st next year, there will be shit-talking. And lots of it.

Hey Chicago, whaddya say? The Cubs are gonna WIN today!

And as a side-note, I’m trying to get my kid into Little League this year. Apparently he wants to play for the Atlanta Batmen. Whatever. At least he’s got his daddy’s arm. And at least he finally declared, ‘Daddy, the Cubs are the GOOD guys!‘

GVP

Sigh. If only he were a lefty.

Ok. I promise; no more sports articles this year.

Unless the Bears are good, which they won’t be.

See ya,

J Edward Neill

Coffee Table Philosopher

Art Museums I Yearn to Visit

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I’m a child of the Washington D.C. suburbs; which means all of our school field trips consisted of visits to the major museums. As a parent and artist living in London, I spent a lot of time taking my daughter to the all the major museums and visiting them for my own enjoyment too. While studying at Kensington & Chelsea College, we spent a several hours sketching classical paintings at the National Gallery. I love museums. When I graduated from the University of Georgia my mother gifted me with my first trip abroad. I chose Paris in part for the museums! During the time of our visit I was a little crushed to find out the Musée de l’Orangerie was closed for renovations, so it’s naturally on this list. The list below is just a few of the art museums I yearn to visit.

Panorama_Interior_of_Musée_de_l'Orangerie_2

Panorama Interior of Musée de l’Orangerie 2″ by Jason7825 – Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0 via Commons

1. Musée de l’Orangerie – Paris – Home to Monet’s water-lily paintings, known as the Nymphéas. Can you imagine standing in this room?!

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Van_Gogh_Museum_Amsterdam

Van Gogh Museum Amsterdam” by Taxiarchos228 at the German language Wikipedia. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Commons

2. Van Gogh Museum – Amsterdam – This was another almost/maybe. While living in London, my daughter and then husband made plans to fly to Amsterdam. We were at the airport, but before boarding the plane my daughter (5/6 years old) realized she couldn’t find her seahorse plushie (from the London Aquarium, so it was mega important). We missed our flight and went home. Oh well!

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Georgia O'Keeffe Museum

3. Georgia O’Keeffe Museum – New Mexico – I’ve mentioned before the impact O’Keeffe’s art had on me as a young girl. My mother kept a book of her art on our coffee table. No doubt I was exposed to a lot of art and artists as a child, but O’Keeffe was the first that made an impact.

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MoMA

4. New York Museum of Modern Art – New York City – It’s the MoMA and I’ve never been to New York City! The MoMA has over 10,000 artists in it’s collection, including Van Gogh’s painting Starry Night. Of course, if I took a trip to New York City the MoMA would only be one place I’d visit.

A few other museums I’d visit have to visit (not listed are the multitude of galleries):

Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art

Whitney Museum of American Art

Brooklyn Museum

I’ve seen nearly everything in Washington D.C., London, and Paris. New York seems like the next big city to visit. Internationally, I’d also love to visit Italy (Florence and Rome especially) as well as Saint Petersburg, Russia. The list could go on forever!

50 Things You Should Probably Think About

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50

I’m not sayin’.

I’m just sayin’.

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50 Things You Should Probably Think About

If you’re not willing to do it today, you probably won’t do it tomorrow either.

 You’re probably not going to meet the love of your life on Tinder.

Everything is ok when consumed in moderation. Except Red Bull and Pabst Blue Ribbon. And Meth.

Anger solves nothing. Ever.

Disappointment is for children. Not adults. (Kinda like Trix cereal)

 If you can’t be happy while you’re alone, you can’t be happy.

At least once in a while, live like you’re in a Budweiser commercial. Be up for anything.

You’re not finished being a parent until you’re dead.

 If you really, really hate doing something, find something else.

Jealousy isn’t a good look. For anyone.

Being involved in politics takes more than ‘liking‘ something on Facebook.

You can decide whether or not to be offended.

If you vote for the lesser of two evils, you’re still voting for something evil.

Never vomit into a running fan. (Seriously, I saw what you did to my A/C unit)

Wisdom isn’t gained automatically with age.

A good mate should also be a good roommate.

Intelligence is rarely earned in classrooms.

The only one who cares about your complaints is you.

When interviewing a prospective employee, focus on their personality, not their resume.

It’s ok to do the opposite of what the internet says.

Teach your kids how to lose and they’ll figure out for themselves how to win.

Never argue with someone you don’t care about.

Don’t be the one who says, “I never saw that coming.”

It’s ok to be stupid sometimes. We’re all stupid now and then. But it’s never ok to be willfully ignorant.

If everything were fair, life would be boring.

If you see something beautiful on the internet, distrust it.

Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should.

Boasting is for jackholes. But shit-talking is perfectly acceptable.

Teach your children how to think. Not what to think.

Cornhole shouldn’t be played on hills.

Being passionate isn’t the same as being a loud-mouthed douchebag.

Those who trumpet their sufferings are usually the most deserving.

Follow the Two-Text Rule: If you send two texts to last night’s date and they don’t answer, don’t send another until they reply. In other words, don’t be a stalker.

The cost of convenience: experience

Wedding rings will tarnish. Dresses will fade. Cars will break down. But fake boobs last forever.

Taking things personally gives other people power over you.

Pick just three things in your life to say never to. And never say never regarding anything else.

Nudity is natural. But graphic sensationalist violence is more fun.

When eating noodles, the point is to make as much noise as possible.

The sooner you apologize, the better.

In order to be granted city status, a township must have at least three Mexican restaurants.

No one deserves immediate respect. Everyone has to earn it.

The deepest evil one can do is to manipulate someone else to do evil things.

Try not to play Beer Pong with crappy beer. Use a good craft beer or cider. Or better yet, play Wine Pong.

It’s healthier not to have an opinion.

Three Cokes per day will kill you as surely as one pack of cigarettes per day.

If you’re not the first one to offer help to someone in need, you might as well be the last.

Never refuse an honest gift.

The correct spelling is f-o-o-t-b-a-l-l.

Sometimes the best answer you can give is, “I don’t know.”

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If you’re pissed off now and want to start some arguments, read this.

If you’re into sharp, but friendlier philosophy, check this out.

Oh, and here are 50 MORE things you should probably think about. 🙂

J Edward Neill